Asklemmy

Being safe in my marriage wasn't the same as being happy. We didn't fight or argue, we didn't hate each other or even dislike each other. We didn't throw things at each other and scream at each other. After my childhood, I thought this was a happy healthy relationship. Turns out, we're great friends but we aren't in love. Now that I've discovered what happy, healthy AND in love is like, my mind is blown.

I never understood the comments from my friends that I didn't seem happy. I thought I was...

That choosing a relationship with someone who is monkeybranching into the relationship with you directly from another relationship is you allowing someone in your life who is fundamentally dishonest and manipulative. It's one thing to be casually dating in general, and just finding someone you click with and ending it with the people you are casually dating, but entering a relationship with someone who pursues you even though they're in an ostensibly committed relationship is choosing to accept someone who is really not a good person, because they will just do whatever they want and eventually hurt you without a qualm too. Tolerating any of this means you are tolerating abuse, really.

Unfortunately he didn't tell me this fact until 18 months into it, but that should have been what made me realize that he wasn't trustworthy and leave then.

Also committing from the get go and falling in love? That's just also not valuing yourself. You're just looking for someone to fit into your life because you don't love yourself enough to wait and take your time and get to know someone, and you're afraid to be alone and have nobody to care for you. And I did all of that, because I was immature, completely without any idea of how to make it in life alone or cope alone, and I thought that was all I deserved and was the only way to be safe. And it was all wrong.

that ending a relationship that isn't working is also my responsibility, instead of postponing it, thinking "this time things will be alright" or "if i break up, everyone will think wrong of me" and letting dissatisfaction grow inside me, turning myself into an *sshole.

i've recently had to accept that my neurodivergence makes managers, supervisors, etc. uneasy about me despite my stellar track record and the sole reason why i was able to maintain continuous employment was because of my high demand skill set; which means that employment will become increasingly difficult as i continue to age.

Im never going to get everything right. Allowing myself this allowed me to get some of the more important things right.

I have an unhealthy relationship with food. Oddly, the thing that really finally made it click was playing the Sims, and I noticed my Sim would get up & grab a snack from the fridge every single time they were bored.

That I wasted over a decade trying to figure out what was wrong with me on my own before I finally got professional help.

After taking calculus for the third time and still not getting it, I realized I might not be that smart. There is a reason the bell curve places a majority in the middle.

That just meaning well or having good intentions, are not enough. You need to actually show up and make time for the things, and people, you value.

Thinking of a great friend who had the courage to break up with me, and tell me straight up it's because I was a bad friend to them.

Alcohol isn't everyone's friend, I was an alcoholic at 18, and refused to acknowlege that fact and kept denying it in the face of all the evidence. When I finally asked for help and quit drinking at 45, I realised how much of a mess I'd made of my life. Thankfully I've been sober since (going on 7 years now). Addiction is not a joke people.

Pardon my language, though I heard this in an interview with Jimmy Carr, and it rather highlights this for me quite well:
I'm paraphrasing, though it was something like "if you've seen five cunts before noon, you're the cunt".

The biggest pill was that I am not intelligent. I was just studious and invested enough time to pass exams. People not doing what they should do is not them being stupid but me not grasping the full picture.

The second biggest pill that I am still swallowing is that I am not a good person. I try to behave in a good way, but it's manipulative and not authentic. People don't like goodness if it doesn't come from the heart.

It was an incredibly large antibiotic pill because I didn’t want to shower (it took away from reading) and I got impetigo.

I was causing most of my own problems by having too many expectations that weren’t actually necessary

That trauma is not an identity and if I want to grow as a person I have to resolve that trauma and let go of the past.

Just because I've been in relationships for years doesn't mean I'm any good at them 😬