I've just banned a few accounts that were spouting transphobia in this thread.
this post was submitted on 30 Jan 2024
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Thank you Ada
Here is a reply I made to Alteon which I think adds helpful context. I do think some of their concerns had validity, even though I don't believe they applied to my situation. Also, thank you for moderating this community!
"Thanks for sharing your perspective. I read through your other comments as well. Thankfully, my wife is in a very solid place at the moment. I was able to take the first 2 months off work to help raise our child, and we made sure to make financial arrangements where she could take extended time off work before returning to her career. We haven't had any sort of "Mac and Cheese" moments like you mentioned. A big part of why I haven't already told her anything is because I wanted to be sure she felt secure and comfortable when we had this conversation.
Another thing I'd like to add is that having a child was a very difficult decision for me. Obviously it's a big deal for both of us, but she actually wanted a child. When she and I were dating, we agreed not to have children. About a year into our marriage, she changed her mind. We talked about it for years, and eventually we agreed to be a one-and-done family. I wanted her to be happy; I didn't want to deprive her of a child. Furthermore, I realised I would rather have her in my life with a child, than no child without her. She never gave me such an ultimatum, but I never wanted to get close to something like that. I certainly don't think I have "saddled" her in the way that word implies.
About this conversation we are planning to have. I do expect it to go well. I am not certain, but I expect it to. Part of the reason is I am not sitting her down to say, "this is how things are, deal with it." Like the rest of our relationship, we will have an open dialogue about what works best for us. I have made many sacrifices for her over the years, and I will happily make many more. She has done and will continue to do the same for me, even if it doesn't necessarily look the way I would hope it to. That is the nature of compromise.
If all that comes from this is that she knows about my dysphoria and the daily struggle it is for me so that I can confide in her about it, that's okay. Even better if she is fully supportive, but I want to continue having a relationship where we share our strengths and weaknesses with each other. This is the one piece of me that hasn't been shared.
If this makes me sound like an asshole, then I don't know what to say. Hope you continue having a nice day."
Alteons reply to you showed their true colours though. They weren't here to change their perspective. They were here to tell you off for being trans in a way they don't agree with.
You're a really cool person, Kayday. I'm glad you have such an open and caring relationship with your wife. Wishing you the best, I'm sure your talk will go great!
This is a much better reply than that person deserved.
You're clearly in a very communicative relationship and regardless of what happens, I feel it's going to go well.
I'll throw my 2 cents in. My experience closest to a situation like this is when one of my inlaws came to discover he was ace, while having a wife and kids. I won't go into the weeds with what happened because I heard most of it through my spouse but I know it put a lot of strain on their marriage before their realization. Afterwards they had something to work on, which did help.
They're still married after a few years. But it's a situation where I feel they should open it up because one side isn't getting their needs met.
The thing that will be important is being honest. My experience being with trans women is that their tastes/needs/wants change from pre transition to fine with where they're at. I'm not the same person as my 10 year old self. It isn't a bad thing, but as I said be honest to both yourself and your spouse. Think about how you want her to treat you. Think about how you want your child to treat you.
Good luck, and I hope everything works well for you!
That first conversation can seem so daunting, but I love that you and your wife have been working to set aside time to talk about it! Coming out can be one of the hardest steps to take, and it sounds like you've already made a lot of progress towards getting there :)
All I can say is "fuck yeah" :)
If your experience is anything like mine, be prepared to have it twice 😂
It was a hard thing to bring up, and hard to hear so she ended up forgetting a lot of it the first time around. I'd say depending on heads pace, be prepared to go slow and maybe take breaks in the conversation to let some ideas "settle". You get these ideas and expectations about how life is going to go and something like this will put a kink into all of it and you kind of have to realign what you thought was going to happen with where you're heading now.
Edit: Also don't forget that first few months after a baby can be a rough time emotionally, so that is definitely going to affect everyone's feelings about it at some point.
On one hand, I'm fully supportive of people coming out and being more open and honest to themselves. That is always critical and important. No one should have to suppress the way they feel and create an illusion for others.
On the other hand, this is something that should have been discussed prior to having kids. Your wife is still recovering from having a child, and being parents is already a HUGE life transition. You didn't even give her the option of being able to walk away, instead you've saddled her with something that will permanently anchor you two together for better or for worse. That is so unbelievably selfish. Many women go through a lot of hormone changes post-birth and don't really start to normalize their hormones for almost three to six months. Congrats for wanting to be your true self, but a massive fuck you for doing this after saddling her with your kid. I mean, what the hell were you thinking!?
I really hope it works out, and I really hope your wife has an inkling of what sort of bomb you're about to drop on her otherwise theres a possibility that this could absolutely devastate her and what sort of visions she had for the future.
I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you wait until about the 6 month mark....and I would make damn sure you don't want to fully transition - you need to be 100% honest with her and yourself about that decision.
Thanks for sharing your perspective. I read through your other comments as well. Thankfully, my wife is in a very solid place at the moment. I was able to take the first 2 months off work to help raise our child, and we made sure to make financial arrangements where she could take extended time off work before returning to her career. We haven't had any sort of "Mac and Cheese" moments like you mentioned. A big part of why I haven't already told her anything is because I wanted to be sure she felt secure and comfortable when we had this conversation.
Another thing I'd like to add is that having a child was a very difficult decision for me. Obviously it's a big deal for both of us, but she actually wanted a child. When she and I were dating, we agreed not to have children. About a year into our marriage, she changed her mind. We talked about it for years, and eventually we agreed to be a one-and-done family. I wanted her to be happy; I didn't want to deprive her of a child. Furthermore, I realised I would rather have her in my life with a child, than no child without her. She never gave me such an ultimatum, but I never wanted to get close to something like that. I certainly don't think I have "saddled" her in the way that word implies.
About this conversation we are planning to have. I do expect it to go well. I am not certain, but I expect it to. Part of the reason is I am not sitting her down to say, "this is how things are, deal with it." Like the rest of our relationship, we will have an open dialogue about what works best for us. I have made many sacrifices for her over the years, and I will happily make many more. She has done and will continue to do the same for me, even if it doesn't necessarily look the way I would hope it to. That is the nature of compromise.
If all that comes from this is that she knows about my dysphoria and the daily struggle it is for me so that I can confide in her about it, that's okay. Even better if she is fully supportive, but I want to continue having a relationship where we share our strengths and weaknesses with each other. This is the one piece of me that hasn't been shared.
If this makes me sound like an asshole, then I don't know what to say. Hope you continue having a nice day.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Do you think that somehow being a trans woman makes you ineligible to be a parent as well? That a partner transitioning is going to always going to put some kind of unrecoverable hurdle in a relationship?
Fuck off LMFAO.
Did I say anywhere in my comment that a trans-parent couldnt parent a kid? What the fuck are YOU talking about?
It'd be one thing if they had this conversation before having a child, but OP didn't. He's known about it for years (see his previous post), and instead of either a.) Opening up to her prior to getting pregnant, or b.) putting off getting pregnant until he was sure about it, he instead decided to continue hiding it and robbing her of any sort of choice in the matter.
Just because I'm not okay with robbing someone's spouse of any sense of agency and choice in whether they want to continue to have kids with this person (i.e. baby trapping someone), doesn't mean I don't support people coming out and transitioning, so you can climb all the fucking way off my back on that one. OP still needs to be honest with her about it, but she's 2 months post birth. What she needs right now is stability.
My wife would have had a meltdown if there wasn't Mac and cheese in the house at 2 months post pregnancy, I can't even begin of imagine the levels of chaos that would be introduced at this point post-pregnancy.
Did I say anywhere in my comment that a trans-parent couldnt parent a kid? What the fuck are YOU talking about?
Your wife is still recovering from having a child, and being parents is already a HUGE life transition. You didn’t even give her the option of being able to walk away, instead you’ve saddled her with something that will permanently anchor you two together for better or for worse.
You said this as if OP isn't going to help parent their child.
It’d be one thing if they had this conversation before having a child, but OP didn’t.
No no, you're right, OP should just shut up and stayed closeted forever.
He’s
She's*
known about it for years (see his
her*
previous post), and instead of either a.) Opening up to her prior to getting pregnant, or b.) putting off getting pregnant until he
she*
Did I say anywhere in my comment that a trans-parent couldnt parent a kid? What the fuck are YOU talking about
btw lmao
was sure about it, he
she*
instead decided to continue hiding it and robbing her of any sort of choice in the matter.
yeah fuck you OP, stay in the closet.
Just because I’m not okay with robbing someone’s spouse of any sense of agency and choice in whether they want to continue to have kids with this person (i.e. baby trapping someone), doesn’t mean I don’t support people coming out and transitioning, so you can climb all the fucking way off my back on that one. OP still needs to be honest with her about it, but she’s 2 months post birth. What she needs right now is stability.
What is this narrative that having a kid with a trans person is ROBBING someone of agency?
Did I say anywhere in my comment that a trans-parent couldnt parent a kid? What the fuck are YOU talking about?
again lmao
My wife would have had a meltdown if there wasn’t Mac and cheese in the house at 2 months post pregnancy, I can’t even begin of imagine the levels of chaos that would be introduced at this point post-pregnancy.
A trans person transitioning isn't the burden of other people, fuck off with that noise. It doesn't take much effort at all to support your spouse in transitioning, and OP can continue to be a good spouse and parent while transitioning.
Let’s break this down.
OP’s wife has the right to not want to continue their relationship once OP comes out to them.
OP has chosen to wait to come out until after having a child with their wife, and wishes to do so well before she’s recovered from the traumas of pregnancy.
You don’t see how that’s a little selfish and even feels a little like trying to “trap” their wife?
Now, it sounds like OP is about as subtle as a brick, so my money’s on their wife having known for a while. But really, there are some conversations you just need to have before committing to a life with someone.
OP’s wife has the right to not want to continue their relationship once OP comes out to them.
Nobody has said otherwise. You and the other person are the only ones assuming this.
OP has chosen to wait to come out until after having a child with their wife, and wishes to do so well before she’s recovered from the traumas of pregnancy.
I guess I must have missed the part of the trans agenda where we're only allowed to be trans during times that are convenient for others.
You don’t see how that’s a little selfish and even feels a little like trying to “trap” their wife?
Do I really have to address this? Do you seriously not understand how absurd this statement is? HEY OP NEXT TIME YOU 'CHOOSE' TO BE TRANS, FIGURE YOUR SHIT OUT BEFORE GETTING INTO A RELATIONSHIP.
I think it's more that there are a lot of people that would not be OK being in a relationship with someone that is trans. Hopefully this persons wife is open and it doesn't cause friction in their relationship, but to act like that's not a possibility is being willfully ignorant.
No shit? The fear of causing friction is the entire reason the OP posted this in the first place. The act of coming out to your partner is difficult and may cause issues yes, but to pretend it's going to immediately and ALWAYS ruin your relationship/marriage is asinine.
And even if it does ruin your existing relationship, living as yourself is always preferable to hiding your true self for the sake of a relationship where you act out a role.
I'm not disagreeing with you...but two months after the person just gave birth to your child? I'm not saying hide it forever, but holy shit, that's a hell of bomb to drop after your life has already massively changed from having a kid. OP put off saying anything about for 5 years, and now feels that 2-mo post-birth is now the perfect time to have this discussion? Like....maybe wait until her hormones have adjusted back to normal? I don't know...just a suggestion.
OP put off saying anything about for 5 years, and now feels that 2-mo post-birth is now the perfect time to have this discussion?
Hopefully this isn't the case, there isn't enough information here to say one way or another, but it certainly gives the appearance of attempting to trap the partner in the relationship with the child. It's a common tactic of abusers.
Here's a suggestion: take your suggestion and shove it.
You clearly don't understand how taxing it is to stay closeted, 5 years of repression is a hell of a time and if OP is at her limit where she NEEDS to say something, then she needs to say it. It's not as if this kid just popped into existence out of nowhere. If OP feels this is the right time, I'm going to trust her over what some performative ally has to say.
The initial person you replied to was a bit rude in the way it was portrayed, but I think they still have a valid point. Ideally, this would have been better to discuss before kids, and coming to the decision together after the talk as to whether they want kids. Now, if it doesn't work out, the kids are affected as well. Maybe that wasn't possible, or even if it was I can see how difficult that must be to bring up to your significant other. There's also a bunch I don't know about op or op's wife. Maybe op is fairly confident wife will be OK with this, which makes it less of an issue.
Ideally, this would have been better to discuss before kids
Ideally OP would have transitioned at the earliest possible moment in her life, arguing over windows of opportunity is pointless.
If OP continues to repress and her mental health drops further because of it, that's going to affect her relationship as well. OP seems to feel that this is a good moment to come out to her wife, so I'm going to side with her over some unrelated cis people.
I'll just echo what I said on your last post:
Say what you want from the heart. Things only get better from here.
Thank you ❤️