Lemmy, I have a problem. I fuck up social interactions incredibly frequently, far more often and severely than others do.
I will be speaking what I feel is casually and consistently, and the person I am speaking with will suddenly have a significant change in their demeanor and speech. It both makes me feel bad that they react this way and frustrates me that I made an incorrect interaction.
This doesn't really occur with people I don't know well. Rather, it occurs with the people I spend the most time with...my coworkers. I am forced to interact with them all day due to my specific job. With one of them, I would consider them to be my only friend.
I have noticed that they all have specific unspoken "triggers" of speech or behavior that I need to minimize or hide when in front of them. But there are always instances where I cannot recognize a pattern. And even when I can kind of figure out a pattern, I sometimes fail to implement it.
You know the phrase, "think before you speak" right? But how the hell does one apply that to large swaths of conversations that occur all day long? It would be incredibly jarring and odd for me to make large pauses between each and every sentence I make. Is there a better shortcut to this?
Here are some examples of "off limits" speech/behavior patterns that I have noticed among various people:
Coworker 1 - speech that shows mental weakness (esp anxiety), making a workplace error, anxious body language (this one is particularly difficult)
Coworker 2 - speech that shows mental weakness (esp anxiety), statements that are too negative, offering to let them leave work early
Coworker 3 - statements that are too negative, mentioning my dad, statements that may give them too much anxiety (sometimes difficult to discern), talking about coworker 1 too much in a negative way (even tho we both think coworker 1 is a removed)
Coworker 3 also has repeatedly told me that I can come to them with issues, but they always get upset if I say something too negative. They seem to occasionally ask me trick questions too like "are you ok?" even though I know I'm not supposed to answer truthfully. I don't understand this behavior or how to deal with it.
Coworker 4 - talking too much in general about any topic (they would just prefer I shut up tbh unless there is zero work)
Yes, there is some overlap among them, but they still have a lot of differences that are difficult for me to discern.
I mean, I guess the "easiest" solution would to try to never talk again outside of any speech that is immediately necessary to do my job. Coworker 4 essentially does this. But it is tricky to do and a bit depressing. As a human (I think??), I am unfortunately a social creature. And it does get a bit frustrating that I can't be authentically me.
Would appreciate some guidance. Sorry for the long post and thanks if you stuck around this far!
You tried therapy and that's good the problem is trying to find a GOOD therapist is very difficult.MOST of them shouldn't be a therapist they can only regurgitate what they were told in class. They can't think outside of the box and think critically.
I respect the fact that you are trying to find an answer to solve your problem.
You even gave examples of different coworker situations.
Sadly I don't have an answer for you. The only thing I can say is don't give up.
Maybe sit down with one of them one on one outside of work. Mention what happened earlier and that you noticed a serious change in their body language and apologize then say you want to do better. Then ask for their input on what you did wrong. Maybe they can help.
They just get upset with me if I do that unfortunately. I'm never supposed to talk to them about things when I make them upset.
Then it sounds like you work with assholes. If person a sits down with person b and says I’m sorry about what happened I want to do better. Please help me. Let’s talk about what I did wrong so I can improve myself. Only an asshole says no.
There is an obvious exception to that statement, if you are sitting there and yelling at them or being incredibly incredibly aggressive during the initial conversation. They might not be receptive right away. But if you come back, say the next day and apologize and say look, I wanna do better know I was in the wrong, but I need your help to improve. Can we talk so I can make sure I never do that again? A human being would say yes a good person will say yes let’s figure this out an asshole will say no.
It’s called compassion and sympathy. Sadly it’s also something that is sorely lacking in the United States and worldwide right now.
I guess here’s a question for you. Is this happening at multiple jobs or is it happening just at the current job?