this post was submitted on 04 Jul 2025
17 points (100.0% liked)
Melbourne
2137 readers
39 users here now
This community is a place created for the people of Melbourne and Victoria. We are a positive, welcoming and inclusive community. We might not agree about everything, but we always strive to stay civil and respectful.
The focus of our discussions is based around things that affect Victoria, but we are also free to discuss our local perspective on wider issues. Or head to the regular Daily Random Discussion thread to talk about anything.
Ongoing discussions, FAQs & Resources (still under construction)
Adoption Certificate for Nellie, the Daily Thread numbat (with thanks to @Catfish)
founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
family shit
My mum does this thing with my sister where she brings up a problem she has way after the fact. It makes my sister feel terrible.My sister, a week ago, who has her own place but comes to visit on the weekends: Mum, I'm going to dog sit for a friend this weekend so I'll be staying over at hers
Mum: OK
My mum today: we have a dog here and you're going to sit someone else's dog? I can't even go away and have a weekend for myself because I have to watch him. He doesn't even want to go for a walk more than 100 metres!
Sister starts feeling guilty and anxious and has a panic attack. I get that my mum is sick of having to look after the dog and is annoyed, but my sister told her she was going to dogsit a week ago, and my mum said nothing about going away this weekend.
I thought my emotional regulation problems were just an innate thing, although I reckon if my parents could regulate their emotions and communicate better, it would've been a bit easier on my end.
My mum grew up in a household where her parents fought and her mum in particular cannot regulate her emotions and often goes from 0 to 100 in an instant. If this woman says anything and you disagree, she throws a fit. She has no self-awareness whatsoever.
But I hope that if I ever have kids, I break this cycle. I fear I'm already too much like the bad parts of my parents. It's not on.
spoiler
I really doubt she doesn't know
I bet she can regulate very well when it's not something she wants or it's to her advantage
Yup.
Ahhh. That’s manipulative as hell. She refuses to communicate a want or a need and then uses the lack of it as a weapon. This isn’t about the dog, it’s about control.
spoiler
Also the things your dad says to you are emotional abuse.I’m sorry if I’ve ever been unintentionally insensitive towards you in the past because holy shit.
I need you to know that none of this is your fault and nothing your family thinks or says of you is true. It might be a really good idea to prioritise whatever career will be stable and well paid enough that you have the choice to move out and be independent from them.
Also you might want to know that being raised like this means you’re less likely to spot abusive people or identify behaviours as abuse. And there is a danger of you internalising it and blaming yourself for it rather than clocking it and getting out of Dodge.
spoiler
Don't worry, you haven't been insensitive at all. In fact, when I was in a shitty relationship and posted about it on here, you replied to my post, and I took a screenshot of it and read it often to remind myself that what I was dealing with was not good for me. I really appreciate all the advice you've given me.I feel as though abuse is a loaded term, and I see it more as dysfunction. I'm dealing with people who mean well, but are misguided and express it in the wrong ways. Just like I don't mean for them to be annoyed when I talk too much. I just want connection. My dad tells me that he loves me and wants the best for me, but has thrown the other stuff on top when he's upset.
I have spoken about this to my psych, and we are going to do an appointment with them so she can talk about how they can better support me. To be honest though, I'm tired and I think my parents are tired. I haven't spent quality time with my mum in ages, because she used to be a SAHM and her life revolved around my sister and I, and being a housewife. Moving out could definitely help set a boundary so that our interactions involve quality time.
spoiler
That’s good, I’m glad.
Re abuse I was talking about the future, warning you you could be more vulnerable to it.
Dysfunction might be a better word, yes. But these behaviours are sending up red flags and I can see you’re feeling the strain. If it’s a stable option and something you can cope with it might give everyone some breathing room. Hopefully.
Just be warned that leaving home is a big step. If people feel like you’re pulling away from them, or they’re losing control over you or the situation, or things are changing too fast to cope… their behaviours might escalate.
Just make sure to get your bag and ensure you have options. Having money, a job, and trustworthy friends are all important ways to protect yourself in life.
Yea that sucks.
If your mum was told a week ago that's all on her. I'm sure there's probably a compromise here somewhere but your sis shouldn't feel bad about it if there's not. Sounds a bit manipulative.
When my sister is not in the office, she works from here and stays with the dog.
My mum and sister ended up talking about it, and it turns out all my mum wanted was a time that she's going to be back here after dogsitting. But it had to come out like that.
She's jealous of your sister having friends.
I think she just resents that my sister wanted the dog but then moved out and my mum does most of the caring for him.