this post was submitted on 17 Jun 2024
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A guy came into the ER with a teacup up his ass.
The doctor asked how it happened.
The doctor said, in the writing where I was reading about this whole event: “What followed was a long and startling story that I immediately regretted asking for.”
This has been a story about some people who were punished entirely too much for what they did. They wanted to have a good time, but they were like children playing in the street. We really all were very happy for a while, sitting around not toiling but just bullshitting and playing, but it was for such a terrible brief time, and then the punishment was beyond belief: even when we could see it, we could not believe it.
"If that ever happens, you need two things and two things quickly: a pair of ice tongs and a friend who can keep a secret."
-Dave Attell
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaHENCqbwQw&t=230s
Where else would I put my tea bag
it's a TEA CUP. EVEN WORSE.
Still not as bad as a glass jar.
Warning: you seriously do not want to look up One Man One Jar if you value not feeling horrified.
The internet is full of delightfully horrifying tales like that. Just yesterday, I got to witness a few people regretting asking about the pony jar. (Don't look that one up either)
Condensed milk tin can.
Gives a new meaning to moloko +
I have no idea how that man remained as quiet as he did, and you’re right, it is horrifying.
The implication that not only did he not just put it up there, but that there was a whole boatload of context that neither of them were happy to know of
yeah right, he was probably cleaning the kitchen, slipped and fell on it, just like everyone else.
Million to one shot, Doc. Million to one.
No, it's his friend's magical teacup that goes wherever you command it. This poor victim just wasn't careful with his incredulous utterance when his friend told him about it.
That’s pretty much exactly what he said, he just took a long time to say it, which was what led to the deep, deep regret on the part of the doctor. He was dusting up on a ladder, drinking tea, totally naked, and then he fell, and oh no look what has happened now.
There's a montage from Scrubs where a bunch of people claim "I fell on it" that ends in the last guy shrugging and saying, "I was bored."
I respect the fuck out of the last guy.
I was ~~bored~~curious: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySd-MYoOFo4
Love that! Thanks.
Also a hilarious scene in Sirens when they drive the ambulance over a bump to dislodge the coke bottle from a guys ass
Also
If you like dark comedy movies and you haven't seen Bringing out the Dead, you really should
I really don't get it. The only answer that question needs is just look the doctor in the eye and ask, "do I really need to explain?"
I don't know for sure, but I feel like the overwhelming majority of doctors would just nod and say "got it," and then get on with their work.
Knowing how an injury happened can let them know to look for something you might not have considered. For example, if you come in with a broken arm and tell them you fell off a ladder, they might poke around to see if you broke anything else. If you really did wind up with something forcefully shoved in an orifice, they would want to pay careful attention for tears and such.
tears of joy or tears of regret?
please explain to me how the specific manner a teacup managed to get into my ass, matters as to whether or not it will go well.
Sure.
Perhaps you were naked in your pottery shop refinishing the teacup using, say, an oscillating sander, and the hot, newly roughened surface of the rim of thd teacup was propelled violently into your anus. What could potentially be observed as contusions in and around your anus should also be investigated and treated for abrasion and burns.
Or, in fact, you were naked, having a magic tea party in the bathroom with what, through conversation it is revealed, were your imaginary friends while you were tripping on research chemicals. The 3rd cup of "tea" you were drinking started to taste like cinnamon as your ass began to feel so incredibly empty. We might need to do a specific tox screen for the party drugs, and the mystery tea you might have found under the bathroom sink. Some of that mystery tea could also have spilled in your ass, by way of the teacup vehicle. The blunt trauma wounds on your anus may be masking chemical burns.
With imagination, developed from observing human behavior, it is relatively easy to appreciate the benefit of medical staff asking questions and getting answers.
if these were the expected answers, i would only be asking.
Without any basis of expertise in any aspect of this topic, a sharp, forceful motion seems more likely to cause damage than a slow pressure. Also, if someone genuinely fell on something, they probably didn't do any prep work; whereas a deliberate insertion might involve things like stretching and lubrication (but probably not in this context).
while i dont disagree with you, two things. It probably wouldn't end up in your ass, and two, it would probably be very apparent, your rectum is incredibly fragile and will essentially implode at the sight of literally anything spooky.
If they did fall on it, they would almost certainly be joking about it, doing a haha funny about how the "yeah and then i fell on it" happened, rather than given a long and draw out story about how they "fell on it"
But regardless I'm at the hospital for them to remove a teacup from my ass. I am not leaving this hospital until the teacup comes out of the asshole in question. They're going to be working closely in that area anyway, I would think checking for contusions would be standard practice. It's not like the relative insertion speed of this teacup is going to break my elbow as well, any injuries are going to be generally in the same zip code.
Essentially, the amount of internal damage they need to look for is inversely proportional to the amount of lube you used.
what happens at infinite lube or at zero lube?
zero lube is all damage, and infinite lube is no teacup.
Hate when that happens!
How uncultured. When given a gift, you spread your hands and say “thank you.”
See, this is why it's important to buy teacups with flared bases.
Boof Cups (tm)