My wife and I (I'm also female) met on a dating site. I had "doesn't have kids and doesn't want any" selected for the "kids info section" on my profile. We fell madly in love and got married a year later.
Before meeting her I had always said I didn't want kids. Friends kept telling me I'd change my mind but I was certain I wouldn't. During our engagement I realised my wife would like to have kids and I started coming round to the idea. Raising a child together with someone who love definitely has a very romantic appeal to it. Eventually I agree to having children together.
Fast forward several years. Our relationship starts experiencing more and more difficulties, mostly due to my as-of-yet undiagnosed adhd. My wife also has to deal with health issues that heavily impact her career path. At one point she tells me she thinks she'd rather nor have children after all and instead just focus on getting ahead in her training and career. I realise her telling me this makes me feel relieved.
Fast forward to last summer. Our relationship is doing pretty badly and I'm finally diagnosed with adhd after putting off getting help for almost a year. Not because I didn't want to but, you know, life is busy, weeks go by and suddenly a whole year has passed.
Our relationship at this point is barely hanging by a thread. We talk about breaking up, that maybe we just don't fit together because of our individual needs and personal baggage and trauma. But as I start medication and therapy and slowly find my tools to cope with adhd things start getting better and we feel happy in our relationship again.
At some point my wife starts talking about having children again. I ask her what about her telling me she didn't want any after all and she tells me that she later realised that this wasn't quite true, it just seemed "the smarter choice" but that she would actually very much like to have a kid.
Now, I really like children and am very good with them. The reason I never wanted any was that I didn't want this kind of responsibility. I came around to the idea with my wife and I can see the attraction the idea has but I also realise that I myself don't have any desire to have kids, from within myself. I was more like my wife wanted them and I didn't feel as strongly opposed anymore to the point where I started to imagine it as a beautiful idea. But also that when she told me she didn't want to have kids, that this would still be the option I think I'd prefer.
I think I'm slowly starting to cope better with my adhd but it's still a struggle just to maintain a "normal adult" level of coping with day-to-day stuff. I can't imagine adding the additional load of raising a child to this. I know kids can be great but even parents who wanted to have kids and are happy tell you that it's super exhausting and requires a lot of planning and logistics. I don't think I want that, I feel like regular adult life is already exhausting enough for me.
Two weeks ago my wife asked me if I was sure I didn't want to have kids. We couldn't continue the talk at that moment and are in the middle of a few extremely stressful weeks but I like, once they are over, we need to have a talk. I brought up my concern about adhd and she said that I was constantly getting better and that one year from now things that are still a struggle for me now probably won't be a struggle anymore. That's probably true but when that happens I'll be happy as it is and don't want to add additional stress to my life by having a kid.
Many of our friends have recently had kids and I think this is also affecting my wife. I feel bad about agreeing to have kids a few years ago and now realising I don't think I want to have them after all. I can imagine having kids to be a beautiful experience but I think I just don't want to have any after all, I think the stress and exhaustion would break me :(
Couple things I'm a straight guy with no kids so my opinion probably doesn't mean jack shit to you but that also gives me an objective evaluation so take this as u will. U got ADHD so I know what that can be like.
Ur odds aren't great 34% of lesbian marriages end in divorce compared to 19% among straight and 7% omg gay men.
Life is always going to be stressful regardless. Blaming others/ADHD doesn't help anything the only thing in this entire universe u have any control over is your own mind (logical implication of "I think therefore I am").
From the sounds of ur post it seems like ur marriage is under a lot of pressure and you both seem to be struggling with that. I would suggest you both set aside regular scheduled time where you are both focused on ur relationship itself. U both gotta talk about the things u don't wanna talk about regularly and consistently without judgement in a manner where u can work on finding/building solutions that work for you as TEAM. A marriage requires consistent and concerted effort to maintain.
As for ADHD see my comment here. Tldr its a process their isn't a solution or magic pill u just gotta keep going.
Kids are stressful and statistically if they are going to be successful they need a strong stable family, if they are males they need a strong male role model who is actively and regularly in their life (if u want them to succeed u need to find someone to fill that role for them). A kid has never and will never fix a relationship it will only ever test and stress it.
Are you even sure of what you want outside of external opinions? General life advice u need to take some time to think about where you want to be in life, what u want out of life, where ur at and how u get to where you want to be. U need a vision of ur future it must be inspiring it must be concrete it must be consistent it must be yours and yours alone outside of external influence. Once you have built that vision exactly as u wish exactly as you want it to be for yourself only then can you decide what u must keep and what you are willing to discard in favour of ur partners vision. From this you will construct a shared vision a shared dream that you are both working towards together as a team. Only then will you know if that vision includes children.