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No no, not TMI. Thank you for sharing, every bit of info that helps us understand the situation is helpful.
Stress is definitely a big factor in our case. Lots of stressful circumstances. But intimacy for me is a stress reliever, whereas it seems like the opposite to her. So that's been a big issue for a while.
I've lurked a lot in r/deadbedrooms in the past year. A lot of advice there can sometimes make you lose hope. "Just leave him/her. You're not compatible." I've not posted there myself, and probably for the best. But it has been somewhat insightful.
It has come to a head for me a few times in the past year, where I've broken down and told her intimacy has to escalate soon. We need to do something here. I need to know what she wants and she needs to know what I want so we can rebuild and increase the intimacy frequency and quality.
So we have sort of a plan now and it's working pretty well so far. Wheels are turning. I just hope we can stay the course.
Good. I guess I should say there are actually two conditions under which my sex drive has failed completely, the other time was when I was working 4 jobs, and sex began to feel like just one more thing I had to do, instead of a source of relief. You guys don't have a fundamental mismatch, right? r/deadbedrooms is sort of a cesspool.
They are right that you cannot reconcile a once a week person with a twice a day person though - someone is going to be unsatisfied in that situation. So unhappy it wrecks their life? Maybe not, I made 20 years with a once a week guy, was frustrated but that wasn't really what broke us. Could have gone on like that, without it being a huge issue, I have hands and that's still regular connection, understand? If everything else was good it was plenty good enough. But for sure it's much less of an issue with my husband, as we wake up and do it every day before starting our day, to make sure we get off at least once with each other. Like, maybe I run slightly hotter than him but it's close, very close.
Late, long reply...
4 jobs, holy... Yeah, I think that's exactly what had happened to us/her. She has even said so, that it feels like one more thing that needs doing. Also she has a history of burning out once or twice, so things are easily triggered as stress, unfortunately.
I honestly don't know. I don't think so, from what she tells me. Depends on what you mean I guess, but in my mind we are meant for each other, and we have told each other we want to be with each other for the rest of our lives. We are engaged, two kids.
Sounds to me like you are living the relationship dream, being with someone that is such a great libido match, whether low or high.
Update on our situation: in my mind we had a big setback. She said there's a lot right now. Our original plan was too stressful, and it just felt like implicit nagging rather than explicit, but still stressful.
I agreed to one month of not even mentioning sex at all. She felt very relaxed during that month, and she seemed much happier.
Now more than a week after that month, and I finally suggested we could maybe do something saucy. Nope. Too tired, early morning for work, etc... Same excuses as always.
I'm not too hopeful anymore. Feel like I'm back to square one. I don't want to start up our sex life again in 15 years when our kids are adults... While we're young, and whatnot. 😑