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On this post where I talked about an awful situation I had with my brother, there was a comment siding with my brother suggesting fervent agreement with him and a strong sense on blame on me.

And while I absolutely do understand the point of the comment and was just going to "leave it to the side," especially since the post is a few days ago, I absolutely can't. I can be extremely obsessive when I feel as if I've done something wrong. I can feel even lower self-esteem than I already do in your every day life when I make a mistake, especially one this bad, and while I don't think it's ever appropriate for me to reach out to my brother again and apologize, I can at least learn to live with myself. Unfortunately, I couldn't see myself doing that without making this follow-up.

So, to clarify, the way I responded to him wasn't the best way, and I can acknowledge that. I also want to clarify that my intention of my response wasn't that I wanted to neglect his request. Regardless of how I interpreted the response at face value, I wouldn't have minded taking his request into consideration, but it's understandable how the way I responded would've suggested otherwise. I admit that I was immediately kind of thrown off when he brought it up because, like I said, it was a first time complaint, and my immediate thought simply was that there are numerous ways a person could navigate this situation on their own end.

However, that doesn't justify the way I handled this situation, and I didn't mean to go about it so poorly. I don't know if that's a neurodivergent thing, but something that's always triggered my feelings of inferiority is the fact that I sometimes do or say bad things with a whole lack of awareness because of neurodivergence. I've been getting better, but because of me processing this criticism, such a wave of insecurity is hitting me as harsh as it's done in the past.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can do anything to make up for the wrong words I told my older brother.

But if there is nothing, then there is nothing. Like I said, though, one thing I can do is try to live comfortably with this mistake because being totally silent about it wasn't helping me.

I'd be focusing on one task and then jump into an immediate depressive episode because this incident suddenly pops back up in my mind. I talked to my therapist about it, but I can't take his input at face value.

I always felt like I come off as an insufferable person to most people, and my guesses don't tend to be wrong.

I don't know what else to do or say. I don't know how to stop making mistakes like this.

I’m sure they’ll come up with other reasons, but the kind of fundamental economic change he is trying to bring about takes a lot longer than 4 years. I think this will be one of their major selling points for Trump 2028.

If he lives that long, that is.

I think it would be fun to have a dream interpretation section.

Tldr; recovery from an opioid relapse, quit cold turkey, still having some PAWS (heh...but no, post acute withdrawl syndromes)

Been thinking whether or not to share here, but hell, i know yall wouldn't think any less of me. So, here we go.

There isn't really a whole lot to tell. Basically, if you're familiar with kratom, the leaf contains a chemical called 7OH. It's being sold as a "stronger kratom." Nuh uh, no way.

I was hooked on tianeptine about 5 or 6 years ago, to the point where i had to shovel grams of white powder down my throat every 2 hours to keep from withdrawing. Couldn't make it through a full night. Eventually quit cold turkey because i was getting married soon (didn't work out, while different story), and symptoms lasted me i think 2 or 3 weeks, it was pure hell.

Well, not too long ago 7OH was presented to me as a kratom thing, so I bought some. As soon as I tried it, I knew what it was doing to my brain. Went online and yep, some people say it's morphine times ten.

Tapered down, and then jumped off completely last week on Wednesday night. Compared to tianeptine, quitting was a walk in the park. Still totally miserable, dont get me wrong, but i was barely shaking. Now, the worst of it is just some lingering background anxiety, and the insomnia. I'm hoping only 1 or 2 more days to level out. I was able fall asleep for a quick nap today in about 25 minutes, so thats a big w.

Ive still been browsing when I need to take my mind off stuff, and have left a few low effort comments, but yeah. Just wanted to tell yall what's been up with me and where I've been.

If anyone needs to vent about substances or talk about recovery, I'm always happy to. In fact, my band is putting out a new record this summer and part of the promo will probably be me doing an interview with a website called Clean And Sober Stoner.

So yeah. Thanks for reading this far, thank you for letting me feel safe for sharing without being judged, and love to all my hexbears

every friday i wake up late, smoke a joint before work, wear my street fight radio shirt even tho sfr is dead, i come into work, do basically nothing, then leave halfway thru the day. thats my friday ritual. does anyone else have a friday ritual?

typing this while pooping at work btw

I dunno if it's a good or bad thing, but memes have kind of died now that they're largely used on social media advertising to sell shit.

Even more cringe is when they're used by politicians lol. Like I kid you not republicans print out their bad memes on display boards and bring them to congress and shit. We truely live in surreal times.

That made my day so damn much!

Even when times are rough about other things, that really, really hyped me up, and I still have a smile on my face.

I basically just asked her how she is doing, and she said she is doing good but is somewhat busy! This is kind of feeding three birds with one scone because:

1. It's definitive confirmation that the silence isn't due to her ignoring or neglecting.
2. It shows that she's in a good mood, which I love to hear so much!
3. It gives a more solid, definitive explanation of what is likely the case when it occurs in the future.

I got worried, but I also tried to keep a good level of chill. This was really just my mind doing the whole, "Literally assume the worst possible case scenario at all times, even if it isn't likely the case." I'd argue that more signs definitely pointed in the direction of her not ignoring me but I can be a hella negative thinker, especially for really important matters.

I told her that I'm glad she is doing well and that I have some job interviews coming up! I also let her know that I'm here for her if she ever needs to talk about anything, after I expressed empathy regarding how much being stressed due to things like work and school can suck.

She was so happy to hear this.

The rizzuation is going well... I think?

So I'm sure a fair number of men who were teenagers around 2015 went through that alt right pipeline. The gamergate crap, youtube "skeptic community", "mens right" and the like. I've been there, unfortunately.

I've gotten over the most of it in a year or two afterwards and come agree with the stuff I've dismissed since. (Mostly as a result of hate watching "the other side" and their arguments sticking) But I never really got over slogans like "kill all men", "abolish men" being said by women, always made me felt like I'm being unfairly included in the group and it's unhelpful campism. Hell I even ranted about it on Hexbear once. (cringe rambling alert).

Slogans like that isn't really seen anymore post ~2018, until recently someone randomly brought it up on a thread. One person just replied

It's basically the equivalent of "Another kkkrakkka down unlimited genocide on the first world".

And that ticked with me instantly. I'm no . I'm not from the first world. I'm in "the other camp" and I post stuff like that. But I don't actually mean I celebrate people's death as long as they are white and want to genocide the first world, it's just a statement against imperialism, just like "kill all men" is a statement against the patriarchy.

That's all the rambling I got today. Hopefully if there's anyone here with similar thoughts, this can help them get over it too.

Okay I bet someone is going to tell me the objective of feminism is to actually kill all men now.

Some were worried waving American flags would be "triggering to POCs", but then they agreed that they're gonna try and "take it back from Trump!"

Oh yeah she also introduced me to some 20-something in her group that seems to think she's in a YA novel. She's talking about forming an "underground" that has a goofy name like the "Sparrows" or something that uses its own special language she made up (its a simple word-key code any puzzle nerd could break). She has an alt-constitution written in a mole skin book that she showed me and I had to hold back my laughter at how badly it was written.

Sorry if this comes off as mean spirited but she just moved back in with me and this is her whole personality now. Normally id be like "well at least she's not a CHUD" but she's been really arrogant and self important about this like she fucking Vladimir Lenin over here when she's an upper middle class white lady who used to be a landlord.