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WASHINGTON—In the most significant move to help working families in decades, a group of U.S. senators introduced a new childcare bill this week that would allocate a single microwave for the nation’s kids to cook their own dinner with. “This landmark bill promises to provide latchkey kids with the essential microwave they need to heat up whatever they are able to scrounge from the refrigerator,” said the bill’s co-sponsor Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY), noting that the $25 second-hand microwave from Facebook Marketplace would allow as many as a few children to have hot food to eat while their parents were at work. “Without this essential microwave, these children would be forced to eat their chicken nuggets cold while sitting alone in their darkened home waiting for their parents to finish yet another double shift. Despite this, Republicans want to block the bill, claiming kids should just warm their food over a trash can fire so taxpayers don’t have to foot the bill.” At press time, the bill had been signed into law, but the microwave had reportedly not been used due to the children not having any food to heat up in the appliance.

Local self-declared handyman James Davidson has been offered a job as a Boeing engineer after his amazing work attempting to put a flat-pack cupboard together and just assuming that the many left over parts are just the extra pieces they add sometimes.

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CALGARY – Local man Peter Johnson claims he was rejected from a job he applied for because he has a dick, when sources confirm that he is, in fact, simply a dick.

“They’re discriminating against me for being a man,” says complainant Peter Johnson, high-fiving several cops as he walked down the street carrying an open beer and cat-calling multiple women. “As we all know, the most discriminated against people on the planet are cishet white men. Google it, but only look at the results from 4chan.”