Honestly, felt.
I'm 30. I started hrt in December of last year. I waited way too long and now I feel like I'll never be fully fem. Hell, I remember clearly when I was younger, being told by my grandparents how handsome and manly I was becoming. They told me they noticed my torso and shoulders broadening, and that girls would like that. I clearly remember the disgust and discomfort that I experienced from that despite happening over 10yrs ago.
I'm very socially stunted from a life lived in seclusion as a result of my dysphoria. Romantic relationships are a new concept to me. My first experience being intimate with someone was with another trans woman who turned out to be a predator. I was too easy for her to manipulate as a result of my naivete, and she eventually raped me.
I'm lonely. I feel broken. I feel like trash that should be shoved into a pile and left to rot. The emotions I began feeling as a result of hrt have been suppressed again. I am numb and dead inside. I know I have feelings, I can see it in my behavior. I know there is someone I love, and I know she loves me in return. I get excited when I see her. When I'm with her I want to stay glued to her. I miss her when she's gone. Yet, these are observations based on my behavior. In reality, I do not actually feel anything. As much as I want to, I am too numb to actually commit and put a name on our relationship. Besides, I'm American, she's Chilean. If I went to visit her then it'd be a one-way trip out of the country. God forbid she comes here.
My only comfort is friends telling me that I already pass really well, and that I look like I'm in my early 20s as opposed to beginning my 30s. I'm not sure I believe them because I still get misgendered by strangers, but I appreciate them trying.
However, as fucked up as my personal journey has been, I believe that, as small and inconsequential as I may be, my journey plays a tiny part in helping the trans children of the future. My small voice, combined with others, will help keep us from obscurity and help keep future generations from the misery I have experienced. True progress doesn't happen overnight. It is a pebble helping guide the water to erode the mountainside.
To tell you the truth, I've considered ending it; but I keep going because of the friends and family in my life. I keep going because of the woman I love. I keep going for future generations. So I continue to take my hormones, swallow my misery and try to make the best of it. My only hope is that, if an afterlife exists, I will be able to live out eternity in my true form, in happiness.
Got any pictures?