JusticeForPorygon

American DNA?

Is... Is that good?

That's good, right?

I mean it sucks because everyone's vote should be counted, but I also don't really feel bad for Jill fucking Stein.

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I don't think the Onion was originally meant to sound real though. It's just gotten that way because of how absurd our actual current events are.

Similar to how the "Weekend Update" segment on SNL used to be primarily joke headlines (with the exception of the OJ Simpson trial), but now they can literally make an entire segment using actual footage from a Trump rally.

I follow The Onion on BlueSky and there's been a couple times where I've had to double check the account because it's just so believable.

New Trump Ad Shows Montage Of People He’ll Kill If Elected | Onion News Network

Anesthesia

What are you doing step ladder

Some guy in Alaska threatened to assassinate six of the justices on the supreme Court and he was pretty quickly arrested.

Weird how that works.

Never personally had the pleasure of purchasing it, but I understand Tony's Chocolonely is often considered the go-to for affordable and ethically sourced chocolate. It's obviously still more expensive than what you'll find at the grocery store, but, you know, slavery.

That's the pre-corn syrup version so if anything it probably tastes better than what we have now.

Now all I have to do is call up some buddies in Columbia and we'll be cookin'

Under the 23rd amendment (1961), DC gets 3 electoral votes, the same as the minimum amount of votes a State can have.