Atrichum

X screenshot that says "Oh my god did you see the latest poll? Pennsylvania is within the marg-"

You bolt awake. The year is 1656. You summon a servant, sure of what must be done. You are Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of the Commonwealth. And William Penn must die.

If you are awake at 4 am, and have to be at work at 7, should you even try to get back to sleep or should you try to do something with your time?

Self care? Chores? Try and fix every problem with your life before you have to go back in less than 24 hours to the job you hate?

New analysis of Betelgeuse’s brightness variations and other data points to a small, close companion for this giant star.

Screenshot of Twitter

"JD Vance has the face of a man caught between eras. He looks like he wants to segregate a My Chemical Romance concert."

A screenshot of a Smithsonian post. There is a picture of a fossil crab partially extracted from the surrounding rock. 2 little barnacles on its shell are also fossilized. The text says: This crab has never had to log into outlook at 8 am on a Monday morning. Crabs and other fossils are often found at the center of hardened spheres of rock known as concretions.

I have struggled with depression and anxiety all of my life. I've had the feeling that things were going to end with crushing dissapoinment and tears. I have been able to get past that and stumble through life because there has always been some goal to reach toward. Finishing high school, college, moving out of parents, finding a significant other, getting a good job, etc.

There was always an underlying assumption that once x happens my real life will begin, and I will rise above my hang-ups. If I'm being honest that has been true sometimes, but in many important ways it hasn't happened. I am still full of anxiety, self-doubt, self-loathing, laziness, immaturity, shyness, an inability to focus or pay attention to details, and more. I can't keep up, time moves too fast.

I've made it far enough in life that I do have an ok job but with every year it becomes clear that I am not respected and my work and opinions are not valued. I have a partner who in many ways improved my life. But after 5 years I think she is holding me back as a person. She is an alcoholic and has many problems of her own. I spend more time worrying about her and making sure she doesn't get upset than I do focusing on improving myself.

Now I'm about to turn 40 and the realization that this is it is speeding at me like a train. This really is who I am. I'm probably never going to be able to change. I really am not a particularly good person, in every possible way. I am a dissapoinment and failure to myself and everyone who knows me more than a few minutes.

I'm not suicidal but I think about it every day. What will probably happen is the strain will get so bad that I'll either have a stroke or snap and leave my job and partner and become homeless or something. I can barely face my family and friends because I am so ashamed. I just don't know what will prevent some inevitable terrible end for me. Every day I struggle to complete tasks and interact with others under the crushing knowledge that I am a failure and a fuck up.

Anyways. Back to work.