Autism

Just posted a follow-up, but you bring up some good points.

Getting people to speak to me generally is an easy part. I don’t have trouble approaching others or initiating some sort of conversation. Usually this will be about a clearly visible article of clothing, cool earrings, pride apparel, hairstyle, the common small talk topics.

The back and forth will last generally for 2-6 sentences, where some type of awkwardness will insert itself into the situation. Maybe I don’t know how to respond after someone has shared something about an actor or singer they like. Maybe there’s an online trend I’ve missed, or they’re shocked that I’m in my early 20s and have no mainstream social media platforms. It’s not like my intention is to reveal that I’m a crazed Linux weirdo to everyone I know, but my interests are hyper specific. I could read up about what others like, but that would remove the authenticity from the conversation.

I know that depth like this doesn’t apply to smalltalk, and I don’t want to seem like an emotional weirdo to others, but I generally will also get happy and excited when others share my interests, which can be off putting in a different sense, maybe 10 minutes into a short chat.

My tendency to delve into historical facts, geography, electronics, scientific history, in order to connect something someone said about a building or a roof can also put people off. This is what I mean about being a chatterbox. I could never run out of things to say, so this oftentimes isn’t the problem. I’ve had wonderful and fulfilling conversation for hours over food and drinks with others who don’t mind this facet of me.

Once people get to know my character and who I am, this tends not to be an issue. But developing a working acquaintanceship is the difficult part so I don’t come off as a weirdo.

So let’s start off with small talk I.e 1-3 minute interactions, and branch into medium length office chats, then conclude with a lunch or dinner conversation.

Agreed with not wanting to exchange superficialities… It just feels like the other person is trying to mine for a particular type of interaction when the conversation is all hot air. This isn’t a prejudice I impose on all, but if the talk is about someone’s significant other, bragging about their child, or something about a celebrity or trend I don’t necessarily see eye to eye with, these are examples of off putting topics.

Lately I have wanted to improve my own fashion sense. After getting my first career, I was able to get my teeth straightened, so this has improved confidence with smiling and showing my teeth. Agree with the smiling wrong sentiment though. It’s evident I’m autistic from how wide my face will perk up. People who know me enjoy my bubbliness, but it triggers something in strangers usually.

When I’m being trained by other professionals, I can tell I’m one of the more engaging folks in the group. If there are 3 or 4 other engineers with me, predominantly I’ll be given eye contact (which drains my social battery) and this leads to me being the most inquisitive up until my social level collapses and I nearly become non verbal. I’ll stop comprehending what the other person is telling me, start sweating, and the words start sounding like muffled noise. This can immediately change a new persons opinion with me, as 1 out of the 10 people I met got to see this during a first impression, and has a permanent burn in of that side of myself as his perception of my general personality. Sucks, but you can’t change that!

Love to hear that living your truth and with your natural neurotype is helping you 😊 I feel the same learning about my autism more and understanding the lapses in consciousness and gaps in emotional awareness…

“How ya doing?”

“Good.”

“…”

“Bro come on we’re literally friends already are you seriously not excited about anything that happened in the last two weeks?”

When we’re all told that “proper” is not talking about ourselves we end up with needlessly boring conversations and the inverse idea that someone excited about something is being improper. Keep an eye on how much space you’re taking up, leave openings for people to jump in, but yap if ya gotta yap.

I like being avant- Garde and over the top when I want to get someone’s attention… This seems to break people out of their robotic work responses, and it gives others a chance to show their fun side.

Giving compliments is fun, but I feel sometimes people think I’m complimenting them for one in return!

Got it. Use phrases popularized by surfers/ninja turtles.

Speaking as a psychotherapist, I wanna point out that almost no one "knows" what to say in a conversation.

We're all making it up as we go along and that's what most people enjoy about them.

Often the challenge is giving yourself permission to say what you want to say.

When people say "I don't know what to say" what's often meant by that is "I don't know what I should be saying"

If you can get past the idea that there's a right thing and a wrong thing to say, conversation can happen organically. This takes practice sadly, and means getting it wrong sometimes, and that's okay too.

Usually when I try this strategy, I might fall flat on my face by not knowing anything at all what I just asked about. Should one thing of every small talk excursion as an onion?

What I mean by an onion is to be able to organize the depth of the conversation by extent of discussion. To transform the comment into a dialogue is most desirable. Small talk is the goal here, just not the robotic:

“I like your Kansas City Chiefs Jersey!”

“Oh thanks, did you see how Frank Footballer did that pass against the Steelers?”

“Not really, but my grandmother always had the TV on and loved the Super Bowl!”

“Cool, buddy!”

After this, it’s like a game over screen is flashed before my eyes. Not to be dramatic, but this situation happens in many domains of conversation for me.

Do you have any extended advice for this?

That sounds simple enough for me to remember! Focusing on being a better listener is what I should be working on.

But what if there are no immediate things to talk about? What if the conversation falls flat? Do you have a 3 strikes rule before you walk away from the interaction?

Maybe I’m getting too much in my head about things. Thanks for the reassurance 😊 This community always makes me feel more secure with some of my inner concerns about socializing and my perception in the eyes of others.