this post was submitted on 02 Oct 2024
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Speaking as a psychotherapist, I wanna point out that almost no one "knows" what to say in a conversation.
We're all making it up as we go along and that's what most people enjoy about them.
Often the challenge is giving yourself permission to say what you want to say.
When people say "I don't know what to say" what's often meant by that is "I don't know what I should be saying"
If you can get past the idea that there's a right thing and a wrong thing to say, conversation can happen organically. This takes practice sadly, and means getting it wrong sometimes, and that's okay too.
Preface: I agree with you but want to add a counter to explain why people might be uncomfortable following your advice.
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We should admit that there are people who have decided that there are “wrong” answers and that those people have soured the experience enough that there’s a whole branching group of people afraid enough of them to instictually perpetuate the same nonsense. It’s not about “I don’t know what I should say” but about “I don’t know what I’m allowed to say that will avoid some form of behind-the-back punishment.”
There are also some people I know who where a mask thicker than their own skin and I know for a fact that they do it because of trauma. They refuse to hold strong opinions and when they do you have to be incredibly delicate with them because sharing an opinion means something entirely different to them. If you share an opinion then to them you wouldn’t unless you were really mad or really had no respect for the alternatives. My ex-girlfriend literally couldn’t handle me saying “no yea…” because the “no” was negative and it was her, by her own admission, traumatized parents who made her that way. I’ve still tried to soften myself since but oh my god.
I’m polite, your typical conservative would probably call me woke, and people call me up when they’re feeling sad because they trust me. When I say “opinion” I don’t mean insane crap like trying to say that homophobia or sexism is “just my opinion, bro” but like literally even just giving polite, requested feedback after a course or something. I swear giving a 4/5 review is the end of the world to these people because any negativity is percieved as a death sentence(and it kinda is, thanks capitalism). “I really liked most of X but think this part could be streamlined” is translated by them to “I hate you deeply and am just trying to soften the blow to appear proper”.
I love your phrasing of “behind the back punishment”. Working in an office long enough and hearing the gossip about others makes me realize that myself personally is not exempt from being gossiped about.
I’d rather not say a “no-no” by accident when showing my candid self, which gets me grouped into being an odd ball. I have a mask personality that quite frankly I hate. He’s boring, plain, and can’t show any of his ultra specific interests or adeptness without coming off as a show off. It’s hard to talk about how I can play multiple instruments, speak many languages, and enjoy electronics and gardening without coming off as some bougie pretentious fuck. Hopefully I’m far from that, but a lot of the times my non chalantness with how I’ve taught myself all these skills make people think I’m over inflating my abilities or I’m just trying to brag.
Generally I’ve been a confidante to many people because they are willing to open up to me. But I think once I learn such deep information about someone so early in a friendship, this person regrets sharing the candid side of themselves and then distances themself from me.
Totally agree. There's a lot in this seemingly simple topic.
Its often hard to unpick the differences that come from neurodiversity compared to the impact of living in a world that is often hard and even cruel to people who are seen as different.
Consequences of that is things that sound easy or simple rarely are.
Yup yup yup. The people who’ve literally been shocked that I’m not judging them break my fucking heart.