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That is quite literally not how attraction works.
As someone already mentioned, the more you get to know a person, the more attractive (or less attractive) they objectively become to you. I firmly believed that my wife was beautiful, and as our relationship soured and she started cheating on me, she quite literally became physically uglier in my eyes.
It's just how the brain works. If you love someone, they're beautiful. End of story.
I didn't think people who stay in stable long term relationships look at it that way. The first thing to realize is that our brains are wonderful things. For instance I know my wife isn't going to model on the front page of Sports Illustrated any time soon. But to me she really is more attractive.
The more we find out about how our brains work in relationships, the less the idea of having to be perfect makes sense. Both with beauty and personality. If you have the best body and personality according to society then you're not unique. Millions of people are trying to make themselves into that image. Being yourself and being healthy are far more likely to land someone who actually cares about you.
Being attractive is mainly helpful in getting dates and having casual sex. Beyond that there needs to be actual compatibility of some kind, solid relationship skills, and a willingness to work at the relationship. Those are far more important over the long term than classic beauty because when you're older that's what's going to be there.
That all said, I'm not aware of anyone "settling" in the modern era. We seem to be far more content with our friend groups unless there's really something there.
Of all the things you love about someone, looks shouldn't even make the list.
For me (a woman - averagely good looking not beautiful or ugly) physical attraction is a yes/no immediate screening by my scumbag subconscious brain and no guy has ever moved from the no bucket into the yes bucket, because to land in the "No" means looks bad enough I can't get past it.
But no guy has ever been attractive to me based only on looks either. Looking better than ok really means nothing.
So not physically attractive? Sure, maybe. Literally physically unattractive to me? No.
If you don't find someone physically attractive, how do you settle down with them? Do you just accept getting into bed with someone you're physically repulsed by every night?
There is a lot of room between attraction and repulsion though. A not ideal looking person who is so good in bed, loves you and you get along with? Maybe they are neutral to you looks-wise but hot for reasons other than looks.
Someone whose looks repel you? No, that's never going to work.
Not every relationship is based on physical attraction and, by extension, sex
I'm not denying that ace spectrum people have relationships and settle down as well. But OP is asking about the normative (read allosexual) experience and explicitly mentions physical attraction.
The vast majority of relationships will involve physical attraction and sex. It's highly unusual for that to not be the case for allosexual people. That's not a value judgement—if a minority of allo people find something else works for them, then that's great. But if OP is asking if this is normal, then no it's not. Even 'less attractive' people, as OP put it, find people they're attracted to enough to enjoy a lifetime of intimacy and sex with.
Overcoming a lack of physical attraction is a pretty big barrier and I can't see most people overcoming that barrier just to 'settle down.' Not being your physical ideal is one thing, most of us settle down with people who don't look like models or actors, but finding someone physically unattractive is a tough sell in most cases.
I'm not denying that ace spectrum people have relationships and settle down as well. But OP is asking about the normative (read allosexual) experience and explicitly mentions physical attraction.
I don't think this only applies to ace people. Sometimes you just realize you can't have everything, settle with someone "below your standards" in respect to that, and even if you sleep in the same bed, you don't do anything with each other in that way.
Thing is, sex is not a privilege. If you - as someone in such a situation as OP - can't accept that, you are in danger of growing.. hateful views. I don't want to become such a person, and it's clear that it's not their fault that they are not attracted to me. Realizing this helped me accept it.
To be totally clear, yes, I'm not ace, I have the desire, but that's just not how it works.
There are still other benefits of having a partner, like not being lonely and sharing the costs of living.
To also respond to OP, I don't know if this is "the solution". This is better for everyone involved than the alternative where you grow to be a hateful person. But maybe you should reevaluate if you are really in such a situation as you think. Possibly you are right, possibly not.
Thing is, sex is not a privilege. If you - as someone in such a situation as OP - can't accept that, you are in danger of growing.. hateful views.
No one is entitled to sex, I agree. But in a relationship, you are allowed to make clear what your needs are and move on if those needs aren't being met. It's not entitlement to know what you want. Having a 'dead bedroom' is why a lot of relationships end.
I don't want to become such a person, and it's clear that it's not their fault that they are not attracted to me. Realizing this helped me accept it.
If I may ask, was there any physical attraction between you two when you met?
If I may ask, was there any physical attraction between you two when you met?
To be honest, there is no other person here. Not yet, at least. My case is a little different, because it's not about how I look, not even the personality (but who knows actually? I know I have problems e.g. finding the right tone, and sometimes seeming harsh), but some other properties that are day to day pretty noticeable, and are often associated with being handicapped (not in the meeting of being silly) (even by myself when I notice it on others). I know that this is universally a thing (or rather things) that is hard to accept, and I seriously wouldn't want to live with someone like that either.
The point I wanted to make is that it's ok if no one wants to be with me.
I have not yet started searching for an "economical partnership".
I don't know you but my advice is that you talk to a therapist before you condemn yourself to a life of unhappiness. What you're thinking about yourself is not always objective, even if you think it is. Being self-critical is not the same as being realistic
You should never date someone you aren’t attracted to. That won’t end well. That doesn’t mean they have to be a ten but you have to be attracted to them
I tried. It doesn't work at all and you just end up hurting that person.
I'm not handsome by any stretch of the imagination, but I still can't find honey booboos mom attractive, so I have to stay single.
I'm also just an absolute waste of oxygen, joke of a human being so there's that too lol
What about when you get older.
Personality, sharing hobbies etc is extremely important in the long run, way more than drooling about someone.
Sure, good/ok looks is important but that's not all.
This.
In this thread everyone is going to be single from 40 onwards apparently.
I've heard some people develop a taste for older-looking people as they age.
Sure "some", but not many.
For most people I think that other attributes become more desirable than physical beauty. The biological imperative to reproduce with the most physically attractive person you can find diminishes significantly.
I'm older and would argue most people's taste ages up with them. Like to make a current example the Turkish shooter looks attractive to me, the Pommel horse guy looks attractive to my daughter.
Not sure how long that lasts, may be reaching the outer bound, but no way do the younger guys look attractive to me, and hell yes good looking guys my age do look good to me.
Relatedly, I know someone who seems highly compatible but who I'm not attracted to at all. How would I even manage that? There's no way I could hide it, even if that was justifiable, so how do you say "you're almost physically repulsive to me, but I want to date you anyway" without being a dick? (I'm reasonably good looking myself)
I would say don't. My ex was into me as a person but I was a skinny flat chested sort and his ideal was fat and curvy. I didn't want to be like that but it's dreadful to be loved "despite your looks". Really bad for self esteem.
It worked out in the end, not with him but the lean body type survives life, pregnancy, etc. without as much change (small don't fall!) and when I got older, more guys were into it because I've aged well, and I feel better looking now - not in an absolute sense but relative to others my age.
Basically - you don't find them attractive, be a good friend not a lover. Just because you don't like their looks doesn't mean nobody will. They might be someone else's type.
Yeah, the other respondent's theory seems to be that she'll figure it out, but won't ever bring it up because she's just so damn glad that someone more conventionally attractive likes her. I don't think I can rely on that.
I'm certain she's aware there's people who have unconventional tastes, and part of the reason she seems like a good choice for me is that she wouldn't beat around the bush if that's what she wanted.
Honestly I never minded being "minority attractive" when I was, because the guys who thought me good looking really seemed to find me beautiful, and almost nobody is really universally physically attractive. She doesn't need you specifically to be into her looks, let her find someone who is. Someone is, I cannot believe otherwise based on what I have seen. (Like my ex, into body types I find grotesque, or the guys I dated when I was underweight who just were so fat-phobic that I could have been a skeleton and they would have approved.)
Someone is into her specific physical being, never doubt it. Don't mess with her head.
Yes, I don't want to do that. Messing with her head is the last thing I would want to do.
Sounds like The Mirror Has Two Faces
If the movie is anything to go by, the secret will come out and there will be a fight but you'll also fall in love and become attracted to them before the credits roll
Wait, which one is supposed to not be attractive? Haha.
Elle McPherson, obviously.
I really wasn’t attracted to my now husband at all when we met. I remember also really disliking his smell (not BO, just regular pheromones or whatever).
11 years later we are extremely happily married and he’s sexy as fuck. His appearance hasn’t changed (except that he’s actually a little overweight now and looks a decade older) but every day he’s just hotter and hotter. Not like a “I just love him so much on the inside.” Like I genuinely perceive him to be extremely physically attractive (and equally good to smell) and look back on early days with complete confusion.
n=1 so grain of salt and whatnot, but I’d say if you’re vibing enough to make this a question worth asking then it’s probably worth giving it a shot to see if attraction develops
Edit: Please don’t actually tell them you’re not attracted to them though. That’s weird and unnecessary. You don’t need to lie either, just don’t comment on their appearance until/unless you start to notice those little things that have grown on you.
I guess, but like, what if I can't get it up, when things progress that far? (The genders are reversed here) Or just am obviously hesitant?
I feel like that's the worst time to have to explain.
Lol. I get it, but it doesn't have to be a big deal. Just don't explain. They'll just figure they need to figure out different ways to stimulate, which is true anyway.
