this post was submitted on 27 Jul 2024
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Relationship Advice

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Finding love and understanding, advice? (lemmy.world)
submitted 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 months ago

I ended up back with my parents in my thirties and was more or less in your place mentally.

I was divorced, had never had luck with relationships, unemployed, and had just gone bankrupt.

Over the next few years I learned that anxiety was my problem far more than depression and started to rebuild how I talk to myself.

Eventually I put myself out there on dating sites, met someone local, and we've been together for fifteen years.

Don't think you're unlovable, that's beating yourself down for no reason at all.

But don't give up on your friends. You don't have to always be your authentic self every moment of the day. You can relax and go with the flow and the vibe of the day as you relax with people.

It's one of the ways I learned who I was, by being around people I liked and figuring out what made them tick.

Even when I'd lost almost everything else in my life, I kept my friends.

Consider that.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I feel like they don’t know me and I have no one to talk to

...and...

I realized I’m not being the real me with anyone.

Do you know who you are yet? Its okay if you don't but that is the starting point. Entering adulthood as you are now in means you don't have to be what others previously in authority over you told you you had to be. However, it does mean you need to figure out who you are. If you don't know who you are yet, then thats a separate topic that I'd be happy to give advice on if that is what you are seeking.

How the hell do I get out of this? I’m working on myself and feeling better, but whenever I think of letting someone in, the wall come up, with all of my problems written all over it.

...and...

I guess I should be honest and go slow? But how to be open without bothering someone? Cause I feel like they might go “oh I wouldn’t have let her get close had I know THIS”

Employ empathy, and by that I don't mean "make them feel better" but rather, imagine a copy of yourself in their place, your strengths and your weaknesses (this is part of knowing yourself) and empathize with the situation. That other person isn't perfect and has their own baggage. Don't imagine them without any cares or concerns simply because they handle themselves well. We're all struggling with life. Recognize that. Instead of trying to open up to them with your problems, let them know you'd welcome to them open up to you in whatever capacity they're comfortable with (which you have to accept could be none at all). Wouldn't you like to receive the message from that other person that you could connect with them? Be that instead and be the one offering an opening.

Be the person you ideally want to be. Be the change you want to see around you.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

Do you know who you are yet? Its okay if you don’t but that is the starting point. Entering adulthood as you are now in means you don’t have to be what others previously in authority over you told you you had to be. However, it does mean you need to figure out who you are. If you don’t know who you are yet, then thats a separate topic that I’d be happy to give advice on if that is what you are seeking.

Well I don't know, meaning that it's a process, I don't put a finish line to it. But as a process it has begun. That's why I started feeling this way with those I had around.

And as for the rest of the message, I agree but I do know I would be open to them. The problem is, I'm afraid about starting something (whatever it is) becuase I don't know if they would be open to me.

Employ empathy, and by that I don’t mean “make them feel better” but rather, imagine a copy of yourself in their place, your strengths and your weaknesses (this is part of knowing yourself) and empathize with the situation. That other person isn’t perfect and has their own baggage. Don’t imagine them without any cares or concerns simply because they handle themselves well. We’re all struggling with life. Recognize that. Instead of trying to open up to them with your problems, let them know you’d welcome to them open up to you in whatever capacity they’re comfortable with (which you have to accept could be none at all). Wouldn’t you like to receive the message from that other person that you could connect with them? Be that instead and be the one offering an opening.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 months ago

Well I don’t know, meaning that it’s a process, I don’t put a finish line to it. But as a process it has begun. That’s why I started feeling this way with those I had around.

Its absolutely a process, and it doesn't happen overnight. However, it doesn't happen automatically. Its something you need to actively work on in the beginning before you have a foundation of who you are. This next list is just off the top of my head (and is by no means complete), but "knowing yourself" is a set of things.

For the list below I'm making up a fake person to populate the list. These aren't my answers:

Beliefs:

  • I believe in a single god of religion X.
  • I believe in science and the accepted knowledge as proven by the scientific method.

Values:

  • Human driven climate change is real and humans need to change actions to avoid further consequences
  • Friendship is important to me, but it has to be bi-directional and reciprocated. I refuse to be a doorman. I refuse to light myself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Goals:

  • I would like an additional college degree
  • I would like to own a house house
  • I want 2 kids eventually
  • I would like to comfortably retire by age 67

Understanding of your strengths:

  • I can easily zone out and do repetitive work for hours and enjoy it

Understanding of your weaknesses:

  • I struggle at work where tasks changing all the time

Remember, just because someone told you in the past what your beliefs, values, goals, strengths, and weaknesses are, doesn't mean those are right. You get to answer these for yourself. You're also allowed to change your answers as you grow. If you know what these things are about you, it helps you guide your actions and your life. You don't float aimlessly. You have a path because you know what you want (and what you don't).

And as for the rest of the message, I agree but I do know I would be open to them. The problem is, I’m afraid about starting something (whatever it is) becuase I don’t know if they would be open to me.

You can't let your fear stop you from starting. Just understand it may not go anywhere, and thats okay. There aren't only two outcomes "Good" and "Bad". There's a third in the middle "Neutral". So if you offer an opening and it doesn't get taken up by the other person, that isn't a "Bad" outcome, its simply a "Neutral" one. Try again another time and possibly with another person. As to how, keep it simple:

"I noticed you look a little down today. Everything alright?"

"I'm sorry to hear your dog is sick. My cat passed away a couple of years ago. I have a hint of what you might be going through. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I would be pissed if our asshole manager gave me back to back swing shifts! Does that bother you he did that to you?"

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

Today you can set a goal of working towards being the person you want to be. You can communicate this change to people you know. You can tell them you are changing, that you are unhappy with who you were before, and that you want something different. You say they don't know you: start having meaningful conversations that allow that knowing to take place. Or heck, even playing games that allow those to happen, like two truths and a lie, or carry The Book of Questions by Gregory Stock with you. You say the wall comes up with your problems written all over it. That's fine, as long as you admit your problems, while at the same time not allowing people to walk all over you because of them.

Yes, you should be open, and yes, you should be slow. It's ok to ask somebody "do you want to talk about something else or is this ok?" Because even with the right person, it's not always the right time. If they say they wouldn't have let you get close, then that is a great way to know you are spending time on the wrong person.

Treat yourself well. Be honest. Take constructive criticism, but not malicious criticism. Don't be ashamed that you are not perfect, because nobody is.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago

Thank you ❤️.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago

Have to add that I have no problem in getting attention, guys like me and I can also be very charming and put on a facade and find a tribe.. but that is getting harder and I could use a little help from alcohol back then haha Now I want something sincere and to be an open book.