My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Boy am I ugly. I’m so ugly that when I was born the doctor slapped my mother.

My mother, she wouldn’t breastfeed me, she said she liked me as a friend.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Then later as I was growing up, when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Boy I was an ugly kid. I had plenty of pimples, one day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I met the surgeon general, he gave me a cigarette.

Then I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

I told my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He told me that with a face like mine, I don’t need one.

I told my doctor, “Every day I wake up, I look in the mirror, I want to throw up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.

I tell ya, I know I’m ugly. My proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.

I was just introducing someone to Rodney last night because some actor in a show we saw looked a bit like him. Then I wake up and see this here. Life sure has funny coincidences sometimes.

Wise guys I tell ya; last week I checked into a hotel and I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he started feeling up my wife

Lemme tell ya. My Doctor, he’s a real class-act. Gave a guy 6 weeks to live, the guy said he couldn’t pay, he gave him another 6 weeks! Hey alright.

"I tell ya, in my neighborhood, you play football, it's really tough. After they sack the quarterback, they go after his family.” -Dangerfield

Poor guy got no respect. It was pretty sad.

Seriously, though. I saw his standup for the first time several years ago. I think this was from the early 80s on Carson and the dude was lit. I only knew him from movies and his general schtick. I'd never seen his timing and delivery. He was great.

Dangerfield is timeless.