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I (w4w) don't date any more, but my experience on dating apps was mostly:
I'm quite social and comfortable talking to people, but struggled to find anyone that interested me. Though I'm in a relationship now :)
I struggle to take the relationship from "dating to get to know each other" to "dating with sexual interest". I hate taking the first step and I'm too awkward to make a move or just straight up talk about it. Trying to work on that in therapy currently.
Actually finding people i guess? I meet tons of people with my shared interests but none I want to date. I am demi so maybe that's part of it
Predatory lesbian brainworms, I have forced myself to set the benchmark of "if someone repeatedly compliments your appearance they will probably be flattered even if they don't reciprocate" and that has helped.
I really struggled to parse your comment but it started making more and more sense. I guess part of my issue was the concept of my appearance being complimented multiple times by non-partners is pretty alien to my own experience, hehe
Generally the comments I get are when I put in effort to my appearance. Putting together a nice outfit, accessorizing, doing something with my hair, putting on a good perfume for the vibe, that sort of thing.
It gives me confidence and a mixture of that + demonstrating thought/intentionality is what I think is what is hot to folks. At least that is my perspective on it when admiring other femmes. I feel like it is something anyone can do in their own way?
I get that men might be afraid of like, being called gay for putting effort into their appearance, but honestly just not having a thin skin is an attractive feature in someone.
I work from home and live on a sailboat, sailing up and down the west coast (south in Winter, north in Summer). Not exactly a lot of opportunities to develop or maintain social connections other than on Discord/Steam. How would I even meet anyone during the week or so I stay in a given town before shipping out? And who wants to date a guy who's only in town for a week or two per year?
The only way I could maintain a relationship would be an LTR where she lived onboard with me, but I don't see how I could every date someone to establish that LTR in the first place. Kind of a chicken and egg situation.
I may be one of the few guys in the 6, 6, 6 club who's been single for years with no hope of finding a woman. And I just don't think the changes I'd have to make to my lifestyle to make that easier would be worth it. So... I guess I'll just die alone?
Wow, are you a developer? How'd you get started with this kind of life?
I have Asperger's, so it's a big struggle for me in general.
A few days ago, I spent Β£89.99 on a three month subscription to Hinge X. This is something I've been contemplating for a while because I'm a 32-year-old virgin, have been single for the past two years (my previous ex basically led me on and used me for my money in what I can best describe as a 2.5 year on/off intimacy-free relationship), and I thought that in desperate enough to actually pay for a dating app.
Lo and behold, after sending well over a hundred likes with written prompts which I put genuine thought into, no new matches. And I've been keeping a mostly intricate log of this shit because if you're blowing the equivalent of 3 WoW subscriptions on a rejection simulator, you may as well keep tabs on whether it works.
I'm about 80% convinced that I either overwhelmingly give women the ick, or Hinge is a scam.
My social life is only a bit better. Work is quite solitary for me, and I mainly hang out with a friend group on Thursday evenings and weekends that do pub karaoke.
A couple of years ago i would say that a month of tinder gold or whatever isn't the worst idea ever. Right now it totally is. It still probably maybe helps, but it's just not worth the money. You can swipe more and get seen more and that might still be true, but your subscription doesn't change the fact that the women you like get thousands of likes and you just go under or are lucky as fuck. If i were you i would shoot my shot at karaoke, and just do dating apps on the side.
And for the love of god keep your money in your pockets. If someone likes you, you literally never have to spend money on them (you can and maybe should, but you are not an atm.) If someone insists that you have to pay for shit because you are the man, just hoof it, it's never ever worth it.
A couple of years ago i would say that a month of tinder gold or whatever isnβt the worst idea ever. Right now it totally is. It still probably maybe helps, but itβs just not worth the money. You can swipe more and get seen more and that might still be true, but your subscription doesnβt change the fact that the women you like get thousands of likes and you just go under or are lucky as fuck
I think it's more like the online dating space has been enshittified by one company buying out most of its competition and then jacking up prices. Hinge are owned by Match Group, who also own Match.com, Tinder, POF, Okcupid, The League and a few others. All of these are now overglorified Tinder clones that adopted the same 'swipe left/right to match' formula.
Also I suspect there may be some kind of shadowban on my account. Apparently this is a thing frequently mentioned on /r/SwipeHelper, /r/HingeApp and /r/OnlineDating, and the only way people have gotten past it is fully deleting their accounts, waiting a few months and then registering afresh. If that is the case and my profile is being obfuscated for whatever reason (maybe because I recently reactivated it after going dormant), then that would make Hinge X blatant false advertising.
If i were you i would shoot my shot at karaoke, and just do dating apps on the side
I mean... I would, but I don't really approach women that I find attractive (mainly fear of rejection, or worse, or I know for a fact that they're not single), and the only attention I seem to get is from gay guys and the occasional lady old enough to be my grandma. As I'm not into either, it can make me uncomfortable at times.
The main group chat I'm in mainly consists of middle-aged men and women. I'm also friends with two DJs who host evenings at various pubs which I often attend. Some of our regulars either already are professional singers, or have the talent to be.
I wouldn't exactly say I'm a good singer and when people say I've got a good voice, I feel like they're either being nice, or they're drunk and easily impressed. I've definitely improved compared to when I first started doing this, to the point where I don't quite hate the sound of my own voice anymore and there are some go-to songs that I can sing somewhat well. I really do want to take professional singing lessons and improve my voice to the point where I could be like a siren. Maybe that would have been a better investment than a dating app.
Probably the best compliment I got was when I went to a Central Bristol pub for a Christmas karaoke eve. The place was packed and about half the pub was cordoned off for a pre-booked work Christmas party. I sung Poison Arrow by ABC (one of my go-to songs) and on a part of the second verse which I legitimately belted out loudly, I audibly heard one of the guys in the work crowd go "Fuck me..." in astonishment. I left that place soon after, both because they were inundated with requests, and to get away from an Aussie lady who I met previously, she was living in a homeless shelter and was spending her eves scrounging off other guys in that place.
You might be weird af, but all these apps are scrams bro. Don't let them destroy your self esteem. Their business is not to get you laid, it's to get you to pay, and you already did.
Just not very interesting. Most people just don't show much interest in me beyond work buddy status, and work is pretty much the entirety of my social life. Down-side of moving to a new area. Making friends as an adult is hard, dating doubly so when there's no one to introduce you to new people.
But historically the hardest part for me is expressing anything that can't be back-pedalled into "just meant as a friend, buddy." The second you cross that line, nothing will ever be the same for better or for worse. I hate committing to that change. Just feels like I'm ruining things irreparably every time. I'll toe that line all day, crossing is just a bitch.
Getting past the mean mugging appraisal stare as i approach her
My marriage. ^/s
Spouses can be such cock blocks smh.
Meeting people, especially since I really dislike the idea of making someone uncomfortable or putting them is such a position. If I'm out in public I do not want to ask out someone who's working a service job and I rarely talk to people otherwise. So unless there's a good setting for natural talking to happen it feels rude/unwanted as they just want to do their thing in public.
I don't want kids so that narrows down the dating pool to something more like a dating puddle.
I generally keep to myself. Every social skill I have comes from deliberate practice.
I did manage to find a girl. What I did:
Figure out what my strengths are and in what situations I get to show them. I get compliments on having a pleasant voice. So anywhere I'll talk some is good.
Work on mitigating your weaknesses.
Work on being a {pick one or more: fun/pleasant/useful/positive/etc} person to be around.
What I did not tell you is how long I had to do this.
Oddly enough I've had more people I'm interested in not want kids than do.
Myself, I'm my own cockblocker π
I'd say I have 3 problems:
I struggle most with meeting people, and then with talking to them, and then with continuing to talk with them.
It took me 5 minutes to send this
I'm what's called demisexual. Essentially I am mostly aroace unless I have a certain kind of emotional bond. That can happen pretty quickly, but it can also take years depending on the circumstances.
Unfortunately that doesn't work well in today's society that's focused on instant gratification.
Like, if you aren't all over someone within x hours somehow that's considered to be a rejection. And if you ever show any interest in getting to know someone they immediately assume you want to bang them that evening.
Please!
Time commitment. Not being physically attracted to anyone in my geographic area. (Long distance)
Finding women for whom my appearance isn't a dealbreaker. I have moderate to serious rosacea and acne on my face. That filters out 90%+ of women before we even speak to each other.
Not really dating per se but socialization in general. I never know what to say in a conversation, my mind is just not good at that. And then I spend too long thinking of something to say and people lose interest.
I don't consider them hurdles any more. After a while you adjust to who you are. That means less dates than many people around me, for good or for bad.