Trans Memes

Can you tell people your name?

Telling people to use whatever and they only use 1 pronoun all the time :(

When I was an egg and was asked for my preferred pronouns, I usually got really uncomfortable - I never felt like I could ask for she/her pronouns (nothing about my gender presented as female, it didn't feel like she/her was appropriate), and all other options felt inaccurate or wrong (they/them being clunky and awkward and demanding too much energy from others to change the way they refer to me, and the default he/him feeling like a lie or even an injustice).

So in my frustration I just started to say I don't have preferred pronouns - none of the options were great, and that's not my fault. Referring to me with pronouns is on others, basically - I didn't want to be involved in that game, people will he/him me but that's on them and I'm not going to tell people that's what I prefer.

The pronoun question was extremely uncomfortable for me, and I came to hate that question, really hate it - and to resent the culture and people who perpetuated forced pronoun circles (this was more common in liberal and leftist spaces I was in IRL, like DSA meetings). It felt coercive and like gender policing.

Of course that's not the only perspective on pronoun circles, I understand they exist to accommodate certain identities that benefit from having an opportunity to explicitly clarify preferred pronouns (e.g. imagine going by Spivak pronouns, how awkward to always have to introduce your pronouns in every conversation - having the default be that people politely ask pronouns first can be a way to take some of the burden off that individual, and make them feel respected and welcome rather than the default assumption that they're either he/him or she/her based on gender expression alone).

And once I transitioned, the annoyance of pronoun circles diminished, since now I feel my gender expression aligns with she/her and there is no more dissonance there, I can answer the question. But I still feel this pronoun circle practice can be problematic, esp. for trans people who are struggling (either closeted, or in denial, etc.). I have sympathy for people who, like me, struggle with being asked to explicitly affirm a gender that doesn't fit them at the start of every interaction or meeting.

I have tried telling people my pronouns, but the town I live in is stuck in the 90s where trans jokes are still "funny" and enby's are just confused. Only the small queer group I've joined has used my preference. I'm afraid to even try now with cheeto dust settling into every nook and cranny across the states.

There are two types of people, those who will respect your pronouns, and those who won't. The people that will respect your pronouns will support you and be glad you said something. This category of people does not want to make you feel bad about yourself.

This is where it gets dicey, though. Well-meaning people can take it too far, make too much of a spectacle of something that should be very simple. They don't want to embarass you or exacerbate a socially awkward conversation, but by being too enthusiastic to be an ally, they can make it much worse.

The people who won't respect you are pieces of shit humans, and it would be easy to just write them off entirely. The problem is they might be coworkers or managers or clients or vendors. They might be in-laws or neighbors or friends of friends or distant relations. They might hate you. They might be violent towards you. And there are more of them now, and they have a lot of power right now.

So sharing your pronouns is a risk. It's always a risk. And that's another thing well-meaning allies can miss about the situation.

The best thing for all of it is honest communication and a bit of empathy. Understand that most people do support you, they just don't always know how to best achieve that. Understand that the people who misgender you aren't necessarily doing it on purpose, but the ones that are should be flagged as a potential problem.

I wish there was a better answer that worked in all situations. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith, and sometimes that leap will be met with hostility.

But every time you do, you are creating the pathways for future generations. It's hard because nobody does it, and exposure is the best source of empathy. Take pride in being your authentic self, and stand up for you and for everyone like you who has or will faced the same decision. But also, don't be ashamed if you choose to remain silent. It's a scary world, and you don't owe anyone the chance to hurt you.

This might be the wrong way to approach things but after I introduce myself with my pronouns to people I don't press them to use them.

All of my friends politely corrects each other and any other person who doesn't care won't bother.

I personally find this system I made useful as:

• I can keep track of people that I can freely reciprocate trust and respect.
• I know who to ignore and avoid. If they won't do something as small as respect me with the simple usage of pronouns then they don't deserve any of my time.

If it makes you feel any better, sometimes it wouldn't make any difference anyway.

My wife in an e-mail to our kid's tutor: "[kid's name] uses they/them pronouns". The response: "OK, thanks, I'll make a note about pronouns in her file."

I fuck up people's pronouns all the time and feel really bad about it. I promise it's not targeted. The thing is: I'm someone who fucks up when I speak all the time.

It's not hatred. I'm just kinda dumb.

Third hand bursting from my chest like a xenomorph, “yah but what if my truth does not exist with in the binary and my discomfort from correcting others comes from me not being entirely sure that my assertion of gender identity is accurate”

I don't want to be perceived as pushy, or make other think trans people are obnoxious... Couldn't someone else correct them? That would feel better and more natural