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My friend's boyfriend's therapist said that he is an abuser who is trying to look like the victim. What does this mean? (lemm.ee)

submitted 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

12 comments fedilink hide all child comments

My friend has been talking with this 24 year old man online since early 2022. She is into stereotypical nerds that are on the chubbier sides. He is a stereotypical nerd both inside and out, and is 350 lbs at 5"11. She thinks he's the cutest man she's ever seen. She met him on Reddit, he lives in California while she lives in England.

Early on he was very much into her. He kept complimenting her photos over and over, and would say things like "oh no..I scared you off didn't I? Sorry.." if she was away from the keyboard for a few minutes. He'd also send her selfies where he's carrying an invisible person over his shoulder, and then he asked her to imagine herself being carried by him. They voice chatted on Discord and had a lot of laughs, but over time he seemed to get less interested. He explained to her it's because when they first started talking, he was working part time, but now he's working from 5 AM every day along with classes until 10 pm some days so he's tired and burned out. In his recent selfies he has black bags under his eyes and isn't smiling. She said he hasn't smiled in his selfies for a long time. He used to talk with her every day, but some days he doesn't send any messages at all. When he does, he tells her he's sorry for not responding, he's been tired from work. He's made "I'll be free when I'm dead" comments lately. This made her believe he could be depressed due to burnout.

Recently, he admitted she lives too far away after she bit the bullet and asked him if he'd be interested in meeting up sometime, and she cannot travel due to a medical condition. He said "I think we're fine the way we are". He said it's "not all that likely" that he'll meet up with her in the future, since he's not a fan of travel in general and the distance seems too much right now. She's still very upset and feels empty because of this but they're still friends and have been talking since. Something I found out is that he's had two girlfriends in the past, and he said both of them were abusive, but also that his therapist thinks he's the abuser trying to play the victim.

She also told me that there's been two occasions where he punched other men. On the first occasion, he hit a man who was trying to leave a party with a half-conscious, visibly drunk girl. On the other occasion, it was because he embarrassed a gang member who was trying to mess with him. He showed my friend a photo of his two fingertips which are permanently bent because of his punching.

He has almost no online presence and made a post 2 years ago (shortly before he messaged my friend on Reddit for the first time) saying he's giving up because he thinks no woman will ever find him attractive or truly love him. He said he's kind of scared of women because of what happened to him before, and he claimed that one of his ex girlfriends tried to shoot him to death, with a bullet just barely grazing past his head.

I'm just trying to get a sense of this. He seems like a shy but gentle nerdy guy who loves collecting action figures and comic books, and I'm not sure how to feel about the other things. I can’t tell if he’s actually bad or not. I can't tell if these are red flags or not.

Are these red flags?

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[–] [email protected] 3 points 5 months ago (1 children)

Yes, there are red flags there IMHO.

You know, I've seen similar behaviours so many times from people that they tell you how many problems they have and they kind of put the burden on you to deal with their problems. I don't mean you cannot be supportive of them if they really have problems they are trying to fix, but you shouldn't be dealing with someone else's problems if they don't want to do anything about them themselves.

I usually listen to them, tell them that I understand they are going through hard times and that I understand how tough that is being for them and all that supportive stuff... and then I tell them to go to therapy.

We cannot be someone else's therapists. Unless, you know, we are actual therapists. And even in that case, they would have to go through one of our formal therapies. I don't think even therapists get into relationships with someone just to fix them.

Some people will take the advice and consider getting help while others will not even consider it because they just want to take you hostage of their emotions. It's not worth putting any much more effort into someone who is apparently crying for help but doesn't really want to make any change and just wants to manipulate you instead.

And punching other people? Yeah, I don't care how "honourable" his reasons were, that's also a red flag.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 5 months ago

I think that OP is work-shopping a short story.

This post feels familiar, so I looked at the account history.

Little details change here and there, but the guy is always the exact same size, and they always meet on reddit:

https://lemmy.ca/post/18971543?scrollToComments=true
https://lemmy.ca/post/19799717?scrollToComments=true
https://lemmy.ca/post/19845589?scrollToComments=true
https://lemmy.ca/post/20611177?scrollToComments=true

Therapists don't tell other people things about their clients.
Nut allergies don't prevent you from flying.

Based on her other posts, at the end of the story she's going to get away either because of a solar flare giving him a heart attack, or by playing a loud burst through his headphones.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 5 months ago (1 children)

350 lbs is like 175 kg, right? And 5“11 is like 177 cm? Holy moly, that’s not „on the chubbier side“, that’s fucking obese.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago)

159 kg, according to Google. My friend told me that she doesn't mind how he looks, she said that he compared himself to a pillow or an enormous teddy bear, and that she has a preference for nerdy looking men who are around that weight because she finds them cuter.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago)

I don't see any major red flags there personally. To me he sounds like a tired and depressed man whose probably trying to avoid getting his hopes up so he doesn't get hurt again. He's probably not going to move to England and think she's likely not going to move to the US either so why bother. This relationship has an end date anyway.

[–] [email protected] 21 points 5 months ago

Oh god it's the ghost of online relationship past. Apparently kids are the same 20+ years later.

In my experience, yes those are red flags, and this is NOT a good situation. You mentioned his age but not hers but I'd bet dollars to doughnuts she's younger than him.

Listen, I know from personal experience this relationship is a bad Idea and Aunt Weariedfae says get out and do not feel bad about it. She'll realize later how manipulative it was. That the power balance was way out of whack. What controlling behavior is. I think he did your friend a kindness by straight up admitting he wouldn't visit instead of scheduling trips and canceling last minute over and over.

I'm sorry your friend is in this situation. I also don't think your friend may listen to advice about decoupling. But maybe she's smarter than myself and my friend who also went through the same thing around the same time. Hopefully she is.

[–] [email protected] 20 points 5 months ago (2 children)

I can’t tell if he’s actually bad or not.

You know what? Neither can we.

People don’t tend to be “good” or “bad” but usually just have various strengths and weaknesses. It sounds like this guy has an intense need for external validation, and your friend has an intense need for emotional attachment. As long as they stay as just friends and don’t become codependent, that should work out just fine; he’s probably right that as a romantic relationship there’s pretty much no way this one will work.

And that’s ignoring the “do either of them have abusive or manipulative tendencies” angle. The big thing is that neither of them should depend solely on the other for emotional fulfillment.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 5 months ago

And the "he's likely the abusive part" is chinese whispers. He told that to your friend. And maybe heard that from his ex who supposedly heard that from her therapist. That's a long chain. Could be true. Could be his ex manipulating him or being angry, could be him manipulating your friend. Or a misunderstanding.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (1 children)

As of now, they're still talking with each other. The reveal about it not being all that likely for him to travel to her was a few days ago, and they've been chatting on Discord since like normal. She also straight up admitted to him that she finds him attractive and if it wasn't for the distance she'd ask him out. He said thanks.

She's always been very friendly towards him. She tells him he's cute whenever he posts photos, they talk about nerdy interests, show each other memes, she shows him music that she's made, and she also comments on his collection of action figures that he's very passionate about showing to people, as well as asking questions about the fandoms that he's in. She's a shy, nerdy woman.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 5 months ago

Sounds like a potentially healthy relationship; I’ve had lots of similar ones on the Internet over the years, usually focusing on special interests. Although if someone tries to make it romantic I mention I’ve got a SO and have no interest in changing that relationship. Never had anyone try to push things further anyway or manipulate me. One of the benefits of the Internet is you can usually just drop the relationship if you need to.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 5 months ago

I'm not a therapist, so this is just a guess, but the "scared you off" comments and maybe the hints at depression could be seen as manipulative, especially when he really never wanted anything from the relationship beyond the online attention. He made her feel guilty for not spending more time and energy on him while exaggerating his own interest in her. Perhaps in his previous relationships the manipulation went further. Your friend needs to know she is not at all to blame for the end of this relationship. Nor is she dumb for caring about someone more than they cared about her: you can't always tell. But perhaps she will take from it the idea that she could ask for things that are important to her, like in-person contact or space to be doing something other than talking to him without being nagged, sooner in the process to be sure the other person is on the same page. Help her understand that whatever anxiety she felt to shore up his emotions should be at most a small part of their interaction. A relationship shouldn't feel like a tomagatchi pet.

[–] [email protected] 35 points 5 months ago

If he can't/won't travel to her and she can't travel to him then does it matter? It's going nowhere and they can be online friends or disconnect but the relationship won't progress.