this post was submitted on 29 Apr 2024
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Off My Chest

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Separated for about 7 years (lemmy.world)
submitted 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
18 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

So, my spouse and I have been separated for about 7 years. Before that we separated in summer of 2013, and again in 2015. We live apart, obviously, and date other people. It’s really difficult for strangers to accept. For example, when I’m seen out in public with a male friend, people try to call me a cheater. No, I’m not. My spouse and I are separated. He told me in 2015 that he wished he could have a mail order wife from Eastern Europe, or Russia. I get it. I’m not what he wants. I actually prefer being alone, but sometimes I enjoy spending time with someone else. I just wish society understood before launching an attack on my life. It is what it is. C’est la vie.

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[–] [email protected] 0 points 6 months ago

Regardless of why you have opted not to divorce, this is a tricky situation to be in. It's often so awkward when these taboo topics make an unexpected appearance in casual conversation. It sounds like your current situation works for both of you, and I wish you the best of luck navigating this in the future.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 6 months ago

I mean that's probably just perspective... being a guy I'd argue differently.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Society does not care. Get a divorce and move on.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 6 months ago (1 children)

When the other person refuses to attend the final judgement, each time, the judge throws out the whole case.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 6 months ago (1 children)

I'm sure it doesn't matter but you have a lovely smile...it's a shame you've had to deal with any this that nonsense.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 6 months ago

Aww, thank you. That’s very nice of you. My husband was the more attractive one of the marriage, though. I kind of had the feeling this would happen, even before we got married. He has always been the life of the party type.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Do you still live together?

I’m not sure I understand the issue…

Either way, I’m sorry about the judgements, I totally understand.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (2 children)

We haven’t lived together for about seven years. Since we are not legally divorced, I still have the same last name. I had my last name changed after marriage and it is an unusual last name. It’s his last name. I am constantly grilled by people over the spelling of my last name, its nationality, and why I changed my maiden name after marriage. Then that usually leads to discussions about my husband and where he is now. From there, I quickly become this outcast that people are suddenly gossiping about. I almost wish I had never legally changed my last name. It would have avoided a lot of these issues if I had just kept my maiden name.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Can you not change your name back without going through the divorce?

[–] [email protected] 0 points 6 months ago (1 children)

I know I can if we finished the divorce process. I think if I want to change it back, I have to pay more money.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 6 months ago (1 children)

What is taking so long to finish the divorce?

[–] [email protected] 0 points 6 months ago (1 children)

He kept refusing to attend the last judgement for it. The judge threw out the case both times. He would then contact me and ask to get back together, saying he wanted to work things out. We would get back together and then he would later announce he wanted to separate, again. Each time I filed for divorce, it would cost about $465 in paperwork. We even met with an arbitrator to divide our assets. He was willing to be there for that. He would always skip the final meeting with the judge, though.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Eventually you can get the divorce in his absence I think?

Or failing that, get him punished for failure to attend

[–] [email protected] 0 points 6 months ago (1 children)

I have to look into that. After our last separation, he didn’t want to contribute anything to the children. I was financially struggling, with a house payment and bills to pay on one income. I eventually left my job to join the military; hoping for a better job, and a chance to start over with my kids. It put a lot of stress on my parents, who originally offered to help me. Recruiters denied me over a past surgery, because I still have a metal clip inside of my body. My parents became enraged and basically cut contact with me for a while. Since I was left with hourly job positions after that, and huge amounts of debt to pay, I filed a report for spousal abandonment. I don’t know if they ever found him. The last time I contacted him, he was letting his friends use his identity. They were using his car, his wallet, and even his email to reply to my messages. One of them sent me a selfie so I would know that it wasn’t my husband.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 6 months ago (1 children)

that all sounds incredibly stressful

cheers to you for doing your best for you and your kids despite the adversity

[–] [email protected] 0 points 6 months ago

Thank you. Things have improved. It’s a work in progress at this point, in terms of debt and employment.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 6 months ago

I would lie or be vague (ie- I don’t know, etc) or just tell them I don’t want to talk about it.

If whatever makes you happy is enough for you, don’t let anyone get you down.