Get car-bombed. 
this post was submitted on 28 Apr 2025
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askchapo
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I'd make The Da Vinci Code canon.
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use some extraordinarily flimsy theological justification to claim that in addition to the holy trinity, the ancient gods of Rome are also aspects of God and resume worship of the pagan gods of the Roman republic and early empire
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call for a crusade against Israel to liberate the Palestinian people in the name of ~~Christ~~ Jupiter
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canonize every vaguely important communist who ever lived
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issue a papal bull declaring that cis people will not see the light of the kingdom of heaven (this is already true but it needs to be written down)
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tell the swiss guard that they're doing great and i love them and their pikes and jaunty outfits
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hold a triumph. i don't know for who or why but i want a goddamn triumph
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change my title to Callipygous Optimus Maximus, Imperatrix EstraDoll I
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i think i'd be impressed by how well i pass as a guy considering i havent gotten top surgery?
oh and then idk kill all the pedos
i have a list
- go hard on the anti-rich parts of the bible
- excommunicate everyone with more than $1 million individually
- decree that all bishops must only move diagonally
- call a crusade on utah
- make the swiss guards do a little dance
- be assassinated
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Wdym despite all odds, I thought I had a decent shot
I just figured a great majority of us weren't catholic is all. If you are, you've got a better shot than me.
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bring about the destruction of the church as a centralized institution by opening the archives
Stand outside with a hose in my hand and water the garden while creeping forwards slowly.
Hardie Pope was a brand tractor of sprinkler when I was a kid.
I'd call for the Catholic doctrine to have a ban on heterosexuality
I would interpret that there was an even number of “nots” in whatever line in the Bible says “not” to be gay. We got it wrong because of a translation error.
Thou shalt not not not not not not not not not not love thy neighbor of the same gender
If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination;
seems simple to me. just tell the truth and you'll both be fine.
I'd say only Xi is allowed to use guns.
I will call Myself Pope Iosef and then excommunicate all amerikkkans
You know what I'd do
OK, but what about between piss masses?
Shit masses
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Hawaii Shirt Friday.
edit: Actually no, you know what? I'm bringing 1950s Tiki Culture back. Catholicism should be more tropical and fun.
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i would throw a chestnuts themed banquet in the vatican