If it barks like a dog...
this post was submitted on 23 Apr 2025
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Many people apparently loving this, I see it as a red flag. She's manipulative and I'd second guess every action she'd take from the day I noticed it
I personally struggle to see the difference between regular social interaction and manipulation. Do you have a sense on where that lies for you?
For example, due to being autistic, I struggle with making eye contact, but I recognise that most neurotypical people find that important for feeling connected to their conversation partner, so I often try to make eye contact during conversation. If I see someone has styled their hair in a way that shows they've put a lot of effort into it, I will often compliment them, even if I only feel neutral about it. I baked a cake for a friend when she finished her exams, because I know that physical gestures like this mean a lot to her (especially if it's a surprise); I wanted to make her happy, but it wasn't purely altruistic — ultimately, making the cake was an indirect way of making myself happier.
Another example is how, when speaking to someone struggling with something, my instinct is to go into problem solving mode and try to help. However, I've learned that some people much prefer space to be sad, and so saying things like "that sounds so frustrating" or "I can see why you're so angry, it's an unfair situation" lands better. It always feels weird and manipulative to do this, because the things I say feel so trite and meaningless. But it seems to really help, and I've had to just embrace the fact that people use different things to cope than I do. It does feel weird though, and if these aren't examples of bad manipulation, then I don't know where that line would be
As Iggy Pop said, now I wanna be your dog.
I want this in my life so badly 😮💨
You could just buy peanut m&ms
This is probably a me thing, but if I were to catch on to someone doing this I might start wondering at some hidden intent behind everything they do
The way she contextualises it is a bit odd, but the actual thing isn't that bad. It's just accommodating him, being aware of his particulars, and helping him over his issues. The gift of a single M&M is unusual, but giving your partner something nice isn't strange. People do similar things all the time in relationships, it's just not thought of as training.
Biggest issue is her framing it that way, because people might either get the wrong idea, or give the wrong idea. Saying she's training him like a dog gives the idea of a lead, like with an actual dog.
The biggest thing for me is that she's eroding his emotional sovereignty. She's taking covert actions to modulate and decide his mood for him.
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down, I just want to feel that and get through on my own. But she's deciding which of his moods isn't appropriate and is changing his behaviour. If this were out in the open, he would be able to accept or refuse her attempts to cheer him up or divert him. But he (presumably) doesn't even know it's happening. That's not cool.
It sounds fine because it's worded like she's helping him but she's still taking away his autonomy. Just bring it out in the open: "hey, I've noticed, when you're sad or stressed, peanut M&Ms cheer you up. Would you like me to keep some on-hand?" With that, you've alerted them to behaviours about themself and got their consent to "help" them.
If that's the timbre of their interactions, I've got no qualms. But setting the context as "I train abused dogs" brings the mental image to one step above "hiding medicine in a dog treat."
I appreciate your comment.
I've actually talked to my fiance about things like this, because I noticed that I was 'handling' him, and I felt like it was demeaning to him. Luckily for me, he considered what I said and informed me that he likes that.
Consent makes the difference!
Probably helps that I'm used to disturbed and abused humans, too...
I mean this simply gets into the ethics of manipulation. Ultimately, it comes down to choosing happiness.
i remember this episode of Big Bang Theory
And How I Met your Mother
And Community
A man can only dream of having a girl who's so attentive and understanding. She'd make a good mom.
Most of us are so utterly self-consumed.
Yeah. Positive reinforcement works across a lot of species.. Just because the OP is used to using it with canines first doesn't make it bad to use on humans We could all use a little pick-up sometimes, just doing fine the M&M's to rover and a milk bone to the partner by mistake.
Insert "it should've been me" meme here.
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