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I suffer from combined anxiety, agoraphobia, and panic attacks. Going for a walk is a nice and relaxing thing for most people, but for me it's a battle from start to finish. I can't be too far from a "safe" place, like my house or my car, or I begin to have panic attacks.
I've had to come to terms with the fact that the outdoors are difficult for me and I have to constantly go against my instincts and force myself outside.
I relate to your situation OP.
I have ADHD and I think the hardest part about living with it is coming to terms to the fact that I'll have to constantly put in more effort to meet the neurotypical standards for school and work. It's exhausting to have to mange my symptoms in a world where every task throughout my day is designed to be preformed within a set time frame and getting off-track, even for a little while, even if it's unintentional is seen as incompetence. I struggle to be able to let myself relax especially when I'm overstimulated due to this. Luckily, my country is pretty progressive and workplaces are schools are required to provide accommodations but unfortunately, that doesn't mean that everyone will take my needs seriously.
Let me tell you a short story about Kevin.
He had the same realization, so he went to trade school to avoid the parts of education that involved a lot of studying in the traditional sense. So he ended up as a decent welder.
Fast forward a few "normal" jobs where he couldn't quite fit because of the everyday drudgery of working either as a maintenance man or a factory worker, doing the same things over and over: He ended up applying to a job where the tag line was basically "no days are the same"
He started working with sea fastening. You know those ships with a large superstructure in front of a completely flat back deck? His employer was in charge of all sorts of fittings and welds onboard ships so that containerized systems could be easily mounted in a secure manner.
And said company was usually contracted by my former AND current employer to do the sea fastening aspect of mobilization.
And yes, Kevin is a real person. And as soon as I see his name on the personnel list, I know it's all going to go well and be a lot of fun while we're at it. Kevin and I have been drunk on all continents together. (Well, except from Antarctica... so far). Be it occupying a Texas BBQ joint for an entire day while doing the layout planning from there, or chilling (literally) in a Singapore pool after a long days work.
Oh yes, ADHD.... he mentioned that he probably wouldn't have ended up where he was without it. I'm not saying his situation is universally transferable, but it's all about finding ones element.
His only ADHD-related failing that I've noticed is that he usually struggles with airports. But that's fine - we usually park our asses in a quiet airport lounge anyway.
That I will never, no matter what I do or how hard I try, be cis. I will have to go through stuff cis women would never even think about. I saw a great video on YouTube about this but I can't find it right now.
That America is a failed country, and there's no point to staying and fighting if I can get out
People are disappointing, even family
I feel this in my soul unfortunately. Learned some wild stuff about my family not too long ago and itβs hard to reconcile things now.
Same, not recent but I have a long list of eye opening facts Iβve collected throughout my life. Eventually you just accept it all. Itβs not been easy to get to this point, it took a lot of mental anguish to get this numb to it all.
It's that i won't be having a long full life like my parents and I will have a much suffering up to my painful death.
F
not to sound corny, but becoming self aware of who I am a couple of years ago and identifying the best path forward. since then, my life has been so much better.
its really hard to admit to yourself what your faults are, but once you do, the next steps should work on how to fix the problem and not beat yourself up over it. I'm not exagerating when I say I've never been happier.
probably that the majority of people are self serving and extremely fake. it's pretty insane how many "activists" there are that hate the people they supposedly want to protect.
Good observation. At least with some of the more rational Republicans that I have conversed with over the years in the US, that has been one of their complaints with people on the left. That is where some of them come up with βnanny stateβ (setting aside that they have dozens of other ways they would love to create a nanny state themselves).
That happens because it's a social act. People who don't want to, but have to due to some sort of obligation or as an indirect action towards achieving something else.
Activism is a chore they have to do, so without people in charge sincere in what they do and aware of this type of obligation, any attempt at serious activism will end up half-baked and likely to do more harm than good.
It's tough to find people who do something for the sake of it and not as a springboard meant to pursue other interests.
At least you seem to have self awareness and insight, which is more than most people.