Transfem

Long story short, pretty much everyone I’ve ever heard talk about this has always said that there is a difference between attraction and gender envy.

Huh? We must have hung out into totally different spaces. I've seen plenty of posts and memes about being unable to differentiate envy and attraction.

For me, the two have often been linked, especially in regards to people I know. My biggest crushes when I was young kinda fit a type. Slim face, long dark hair, thin; all things I now realize I really envied. I fell for someone like that before I even saw their face. It wasn't always envy, as I often didn't envy 100% of their traits, but envy was usually a big part of it.

Those crushes were definitely crushes, and that envy was definitely envy. These things aren't clean and separate for everyone in every instance. Such is the case for some of us 🙃

I relate to this quite a bit. The best I can figure is that I am a sapphic aligned ace transfem. It has been quite the journey figuring that much out and I am still uncertain about where I will end up in the end, though I do know transitioning was literally life saving for me.

I think reading into the split attraction model might help. Aesthetic, romantic, sensual, sexual, and plutonic attraction are different and don't have to line up. AVEN (asexuality.org) is one place you can find info on this.

Finding a good therapist can do quite a bit of good. This can be incredibly difficult at times since a good therapist is one you feel comfortable and safe working with, and that can be different for everyone. Some things to look for are ones that practice trauma informed care (Trauma informed care is a different approach to therapy that can make a big difference... And also means they are more likely to have modern/less toxic views on the topic) and ones who specialize in LGBT issues (It can be unhelpful to have to educate your therapist)...preferably both. If you are in the States, Psychology Today has a therapist search that can be very helpful. Not everyone finds a good match the first time, do don't give up if the first one is a poor fit.

I have a friend who's a trans ace lesbian! I asked her if she had any advice for you! She said:

Alright, my thoughts. In chronological order: Yeah, that fucking sucks, but you need to bite the bullet and talk to your therapist because there is no other way for them to know what you want. If they're a good therapist they'll hear you out and help you figure out what you want. That being said, shit is still really scary and I hope you get treated with a modicum of respect by your local healthcare system (long shot, I know, but a girl can dream for her sisters-in-arms)

Finding the line between attraction and gender envy is famously difficult. The way I figure it out on a case by case basis (as an ace lesbian) is I give myself a quick questionnaire.

1st q: Do I want to wear their outfit?

2nd q: Do I want to get to know them?

3rd q: Do I care about their opinion of me?

4th q: Do I have a positive reaction to the thought of being in a relationship with them?

No hard scoring here, it just helps me organize my thoughts, usually I'm able to figure out how I feel by the end of it. (and a little secret, you can be both attracted to someone and feel gender envy towards them)

To figure out if your trans is mind numbingly simple and horrible complicated at the same time. To find out ask yourself, "Do I want to be X gender?" and the answer is different from what you were assigned at birth and you like the label of trans, congrats you are trans. The specifics are different for everyone, and we all have different feelings about gender. What matters is what makes you feel comfortable with yourself not what meds you want, not what clothes you want to wear, not what surgeries you do or don't want to get. All of that is flavor, stuff you can figure out whenever.

Pass on that I hope things get better for them, and to not give up, because that's the only way things will for sure stay the same <3

If what you read, makes you think I’m not trans then please please please tell me so.

I completely understand looking for any straws to get clarity, but I don't think you should ever believe anybody who tells you something about that. Only you know what you want!
I am trans and lesbian (although I just learned about the term "sapphic" and that's kinda neat), and I can relate to the difference being hard to tell. I just know that when I figured myself out more (and started hrt), this difference became much clearer.
A friend of mine recently told me about how she as a (formerly repressing) trans person got used to pushing feelings away, that she has to re-learn figuring out what she feels. While I don't know if I can relate 100% to her, being trans can be super difficult emotionally. Maybe take breaks and allow yourself to postpone decisions you don't need to be sure of today.

Medical gatekeeping sucks. I'm sorry you feel like you can't be honest about yourself. Consider this, you said if you tell your therapist the wrong thing, it could jeopardize access to HRT... that is your main concern. I feel like that alone is a major indicator of your identity. You seem to know your hormones are wrong.

AGP (autogynophilia) is a debunked pseudo-scientific theory. I see that it still exists in your doubts. The notion that trans women exist because we are sexually attracted to women is just wrong lol. That doesn't happen. Unfortunately there are still therapists out there who follow their "feelings" and outdated approaches that are not recommended by WPATH SoC. If you have such a therapist, find another.

People are only telling you that sexual orientation and gender identity are different things, which is the modern scientific understanding. That doesn't mean that you can't be a woman who also finds women and feminine people attractive. You definitely can! Your sexual/romantic attraction implies nothing about your gender.

It's OK to be uncertain about your sexuality. You're only 18! At 18, I was super homophobic and repressed any possibly non-hetero attractions. Now at 40, I know that I am pansexual, with a strong preference for feminine people (but not exclusively). Also I'm demisexual and most likely poly. But it took decades to figure this out.

It's OK to be uncertain about your gender. Have you tried possible affirmations, like a preferred name, pronouns, clothes? How did you feel?

The whole tone of your post reads like a trans woman who is scared to do something or learn something that invalidates her. But we are all different. Even if 100 trans people agree on one thing, that doesn't make it universal.

You are valid.