The one I told at Christmas last month.
Me: when are they going on tour?
Niece: who?
Me: The Hawks
Niece: I don't know?
Me: you dont know about the Hawk Tua?
this post was submitted on 13 Jan 2025
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What do you call a Rolls-Royce without wheels?
A Royce.
What do you call a line with no points?
A pointless line.
What did the liar say?
It will all be okay.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
What is green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A pool table.
What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
Dam
Your mom 😎
It doesn't even have to be contextually relevant
I can't believe you've done this
From Letterkenny: "What's a Mennonite's favourite kind of raisin? Barn raisin."
Why do astronauts use Linux on the International Space Station? Because you can't open windows in Space.
When I was younger I memorized this in three (3) steps to use at zero (0) family gatherings... is it cheating if my stupidest joke is the only one I can recall instantly? :]
Warning: this joke is so ancient, it's sepia-toned.
An engineer and a doctor were arguing about who had the harder job. To prove his might, the engineer decided to open a clinic, betting he'd be a successful doctor:
"If we can cure you, you pay $500; if we can't, we pay you $1,000."
Of course the doctor saw the proverbial button immediately. The guy didn't even have a license! So the doc went straight to the clinic as his first patient.
Doc: "Sir, I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doc: "Blawrgh! This is gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The doctor leaves, fuming. But not to be beaten, he goes back after a few days -- he can still leave with a profit if he plays this right.
Doc: "Sir, I have lost my memory."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doc: "What, no! That's gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The doctor leaves pissed. Buuut, doc comes back after a few days
he needs to at least break even, right? So, more determined than before, he brings a cane and says:
Doc: "Sir, I've gone blind."
Engineer: disappointed "Well, unfortunately I don't have any medicine for that. Take this $1,000."
Doc: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.
Barman asks why he's got a steering wheel down his pants.
'Yarrr, it's driving me nuts'
A man walks into a bar, and says "ow".
I went to a zoo recently and it was just a dog.It was a shitzu.
Knock knock Who's there? Cows Cows who? No, OWLS hoo. Cows moo!
When’s the best time to visit a dentist?
Any time before tooth-hurty (2:30) p.m.
The stupidest joke I ever heard that has stuck with me for some reason:
How are Santa and a plum alike? They're both purple, except for Santa.
Two birst are perched on a branch. One turns to the other and says: I'll push you. And he pushed him.
Here's a really dumb one I made up that my husband loves for some reason.
Q: What did the leprechaun say when he was kicked in the balls?
A: Menard's!
My dumbest joke is actually a family joke that has built up over the years. Unfortunately it works only in German.
Basically when I was very young I mispronounced a key word in a Christmas carol and hilarity ensued that dogged me to my father's dying day. It developed over the years into this:
Es ist ein Ross entsprungen
Aus einem Stall so alt,
Wie uns die Bauern sungen,
Das Ross entfloh mit G'walt.
Es ist ein kluges Pferdchen
Aus altem Stamm gezeugt,
Das mitten in der Nacht dann
Sich aus dem Staub gezeugt.
Das Ross, das ich nun meine,
War flink und voller Mut,
Es sprang mit einem Male
Hinaus in die kalte Flut.
Mit Hufen, stark und kräftig,
Fand es den Weg hinaus,
Entkam dem Stall ganz leise,
Und rannte schnell nach Haus.
(I apologize to any German speakers for the terrible lyric verse.)
Huh. Interesting. This makes our family joke even funnier, IMO.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Tuna.
Tuna who?
Tuna piano and it'll sound better.
Want to hear a dirty joke?
I horse fell in the mud.
Want to hear a clean joke?
A horse had a bath.
What's the difference between zombies?
Zombies make honey and zombies don't.
Apparently I'm too stupid to get even a stupid joke.
Never mind. Ignore me. I'm an idiot.
Say "zombies" aloud and it kind of sounds like "some bees."
Yeah, I figured it out an embarrassing amount of time later.
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