Hi everyone. I created this community here on Lemmy because I wish to give others what I have never felt: the love and the support of a father.
My father is alive and well, but I've always felt like he was dead. I've never received support, love, or hugs but I instead received disapproval, criticisms, insults and high expectations from him. I remember telling kids in elementary school I had no dad.
I am at an age where this should not affect me. I am an adult with his own life but I am unable to feel indifferent to it. His words (or the lack thereof) still affect me. I want him to be proud of me, at least once in my lifetime, and whenever I try to say something that I think will make him proud, I always leave disappointed telling myself "never try again".
My mother was emotionally unavailable too as she has a schizophrenia diagnosis. I don't know what I am looking for by writing this post, maybe just some nice words.
I still wish to be someone's cherished son. Thank you for reading.
Hi; that's such an emotive thing to share. I hope you can perhaps find the peace within yourself to reach out to your father. He may have had, himself a troubling past or issues and with your mother. Perhaps he has felt stressed and isolated himself from love and support.
I bet he is proud of you in ways he maybe cannot yet connect with, maybe try bonding, reaching out and breaking that shield that surround a lot of men; that feeling of wanting to be cared for, loved, to have done good, redemption, or acknowledgement.
Maybe try taking him for a meal, having a chat with him, buy him a pint. You would be surprised how many men will reach out and share with you if you show them equal vulnerability in the right moment.
Good luck and either way, you deserve acknowledgement, compassion, love & hugs yourself! and it will come!
Smile at the world and it will smile back :)
I'm sorry but after the details OP shared, the chance of this happening are close to zero.
"...whenever I try to say something that I think will make him proud, I always leave disappointed telling myself "never try again".
I know exactly how that feels, and OP has likely been trying for more than 20 years. Plugging emotional quarters into a slot machine that never pays out. Talking to a brick wall feels better than trying to connect with a parent like this. At some point you just have to accept you didn't get what you needed from them and you won't, ever. It's not a matter of you trying hard enough. The parent just isn't capable of that emotional connection.
And to OP, I haven't figured out how to not let it affect me either. You could look into trying to reparent yourself, though that only goes so far. I think looking for healthy male role models in spaces like this or IRL is also a good step. If you haven't read the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" I recommend it.