Transfem

Hyia sorry for this being very ranty, this is something I have only talked about with a choosen few people but I thought I might aswell just be open here and see what people have to say.

Please have understanding for my previously held believes, I don't agree with any of it anymore and wish I had never had them.

I am Xea, 19yo transwoman(1 year HRT) and a diagnosed autist. I am very proud and ever more confident about my identity but it took alot of work to get here.

When I was 15 I was being bullied by most people in my class, another class and several teachers, I did not function in school as I have severe sensory issues which make me shutdown when there is too much noise to process, this made me grow very resentful and when I was introduced to conservative ideologue content on youtube I ate it all up, first I became moderately conservative, laughing at the "insanity" of the modern left, than I became a stounch conservative, I became hateful towards the migrants who had made me feel uncomfortable in my school and environment and leftist ideas being taught at my school, like... tolerance, I believed transpeople are just a silly leftist invention and (what hurts me most in retrospect) atleast famous trans people I would missgender on purpose.

I started to believe that this system is broken and that violence was the only way to right it.

Later on I started getting more influenced by libertarian politics and notions of personal liberty which ultimately somewhat deradicalized me but I remained somewhat right wing.

Something had been growing while I was developing these believes though, I was hyper sexual and my sexuality was not straight, maybe slighly gay, but mainly I wanted to be the other sex, I hated myself for it, I would be dead ashamed every time I enjoyed it, I would throw away the toys I had bought, hurt myself and people who found out.

when I was 17 this odd desire became more though, it was no longer just about sexuality it was calling... screaming at me that everything was wrong and that I had to get out.

So I left school and spend alot of time alone introflecting, when I started to experience hair loss it was basically my tipping point, if I didn't do anything now, I would never be able to be who I wanted to be, so I bought a vial of estradiol cypionate and some dutasteride tablets and I turned the hateful ugly boy into a pretty woman.

It was hard to explain to my family how this happened and I never dared to meet my old friends again.

Thank you for reading! <3