Relationship Advice
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The ideal place to ask for help with your relationships: romantic, friendships, we don't know what we are yet, co-workers or just human interactions in general.
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Related communities:
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Adulting: [email protected]
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No Stupid Questions: [email protected]
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Mental Health [email protected]
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I think the point that what felt like friendly conversation to OP may have felt intrusive to her is so important.
I’ve been dealing with this a little myself recently and an old classmate from High School. This person keeps messaging me every few months on Facebook, has asked to go for coffee, knows I am in a relationship. I told them hey I’m dealing with a lot personally - I don’t have time to meet up. I’m not really interested in meeting up, but they still keep messaging. I don’t respond and they still message. I want to have good relationships with people from my hometown but what do I do? I thought I made myself clear in the nicest way possible. Initially I was ok to say hi from time to time but this person has come on too strong and too fast.
I worry that maybe this woman felt she was making herself clear and OP was unable/unaware/unwilling to read the signs because they were impaired. Rather than saying her actions to seek help from the institution were “austere”, perhaps OP should accept that she felt she had to seek help because the actions were threatening to her. Was it too much and too fast? Did she feel cornered and that she couldn’t exit the conversations? Were they deep conversations every day when a wave in the hallway would have been sufficient? And especially something that I feel was missed in the initial text - was there touching at all? Impaired people might feel like they’re touching in a friendly way but it can be extremely intrusive/unwanted to someone who is not impaired.
Have you just straight up said no to them? Just a straight no thank you I am not interested in having any kind of relationship with you, even a non romantic one?
People hate to just put their cards on the table and then get frustrated with others because they can’t understand the muddy communication.
If you tell me that you are too busy, that means “Hey not right now because I am too busy, but I am open to this.
Compare that to just saying no.
One is very clear, the other is ambiguous at best
I kind of agree with you but I think it’s my male privilege. My wife doesn’t like it when I say “no thank you” and then close the door while the sales man is still talking. If she can’t handle ME shutting down someone neither of us know and will never see again, there’s no way she would be comfortable telling someone who knows her and where she lives that she’s not interested right? As a man it’s easy to be clear with my intentions. As a woman, it’s dangerous.
Thank you.
There are a few considerations:
The first step to changing it is being the change that you want to see in the world.
If no one leads no one can follow
If you want cultural change, start with the perpetrators of the problem not the victims.
Don't teach women to speak directly, instead teach men to accept direct speech. This includes empowering men to call out other men who chastise/complain about/act aggressively toward women who've been direct with them.
Once women no longer feel a need to use softening and indirect language for their own protection, more direct speech will naturally follow.
Let me play a bit of devil’s advocate: what if he/she just wanted to get coffee and was looking to be just friends?
If he actually made an advance on you, that would be different, but as an older adult, if I meet someone and want to get to know them, I will likely ask them to get coffee or a meal. As long as you have made it clear there is no romantic interest, there is nothing wrong with getting coffee or food with someone.
I’ve done so numerous times and have been able to make some great friends, both women and men, along the way.
After all, how are you supposed to get to know someone unless you have a way to spend time with them?
FWIW one friend I actually used to have dinner regularly with before I moved. We also used to see movies and do other stuff like that together.I am married, she is not. We have zero romantic interest in each other. We just shared similar interests. I have been friends with her for 20 years.
Sometimes you just need friends, and not every guy wants all guy friends and that applies to men, women, and everything in between.
Of course if he makes it clear he wants more, all bets are off.
Oh I have friends of different genders - I know how it works.
This person, for me, has made it clear they want to relitigate high school and started, without any invitation or explanation, randomly trash talking someone we went to high school with. I didn’t respond. Like what am I supposed to say to that? It’s not a positive person I want to hang with. I think they got stuck in our small town and are fixated on the past.
I think when I say I don’t have time because of personal issues and explain what those issues are (impending death in the family), that is a clear sign to the other person to not bother me until I reach out, especially since they are just a former classmate. We never really hung out.
There is a bit of social “take the hint” skill required, and people need to be aware of the general vibes they are giving. I don’t want to hear negativity if I don’t have a previously established relationship with you. I think some people try to jump the gun on friendship. In the early stages, as acquaintances, if I’m being nice it doesn’t mean I want to hear about all of your problems.
Establishing a trusting, reciprocal friendship takes time and I think people who have social challenges are often not aware that they are coming on too strong and too fast.