memes

I don't have a horse in this race but everything is carcinogenic to some degree, burnt toast isn't going to make any real difference. And why would cast iron have a polymer coating? Unless I'm missing something wasn't the whole point to avoid that?

Your "basic chemistry" doesn't match up with the lived experience of the plethora of people that frequently use cast iron/carbon steel. And yes, it doesn't matter what type of pan, including non-stick, if you want your food to taste good you're probably gonna start by heating up some fat. You're only building excess carbon in a cast iron/carbon steel if you leave on bits of burnt food and season over that. If you clean your pan properly (with soap and hot water, because that's totally allowed), that won't happen. Tons of people cook with cast iron/carbon steel every single day and have absolutely no problems with it. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying everyone should only cook with cast iron/carbon steel, all I'm saying is using those pans is way less finicky than you're making it out to be.

Oh hell no. Nonstick pans have to be babied - plastic spatulas, gentle sponges, and they get worse with time. Cast iron you almost cannot destroy, and gets better and better with use. Scrub away with chainmail, scrape with a metal spatula, it doesn't care. Too hot? Doesn't care.

If you treat cast iron with the same care that a non stick pan requires with just a little bit of oil it will be better over time. With those same instructions an average non-stick pan, used daily will degrade in 5 to 10 years. Iron is heavy and inconvenient, but carbon steel pans run 90% of the Michelin rates kitchens you will find. Cast iron can do much of the same work at home and, in the US is much easier to find. A 10 inch Lodge cast iron pan can be found in any X-mart. A 10 inch Matfer Bourgeat is a bit pricier and harder to source. Good luck with pan fried fish in a non stick pan after a month. Same with cooking 40 burgers or omelets a day for a month. 2 of the items I mentioned could do that easily. The average non-stick pan could not.

You definitely don't need to oil it after every use. The main reason for applying oil is to keep it from rusting while it sits. If you just use it at least once a week then that rust isn't a concern. Even if it did rust you can just scrub the rust off before you use it.

There is all sorts of special care you can do to cast iron if you really get into it. But if you really don't care then you can just use it and wash it exactly like any other pan without issue. The whole soap thing is a myth now a days because modern soaps don't contain lye anymore. Soap is entirely unnecessary in cast iron but it won't hurt it. Seasoning is adequately acheived just by actually cooking with it. You really don't need any special process to season it unless you deliberately stripped off all the old seasoning. You can cook acidic foods in it without issue. I do tomato sauce in mine all the time.

Coated pans require way more care. At least I can use proper metal utensils in my cast iron.

I've been cooking with cast iron for years, all I do is scrub it with hot water only and let it dry. No re seasoning, no coating in oil, nothing.

I'm genuinely impressed you've managed to fuck up using cast iron.

You don't and it isn't. I cook exclusively on cast iron, and I oil it only before I put some food that requires oil. I use hot water and a paper towel to wipe it clean. Been using it for years, way less scrubbing than stainless 90 percent of the time.
But I use it exclusively and daily, so ymmv.