this post was submitted on 01 Nov 2024
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That sucks, man.
I’ve been some stripe or other of non-monogamous for most of my adult life, and those types of relationships are often the ones that people experience first when they dip their toes in.
It’s honestly kind of maddening, because beyond making it seem like everyone who is poly/nm/whatever are all horny sociopaths (because almost everyone has something like that as a first story), it’s harmful. It’s physically and emotionally unsafe for the person who gets shafted. It treats people like they’re disposable and frankly, it’s selfish, insecure, and sometimes malevolent bullshit dressed up as a hippy-dippy love-fest.
It’s really fucking hard to be ethically nonmonogamous, and I wish people would stop pretending they knew what they were doing. No one knows, and it’s the faked confidence that gets so many people in trouble. People just trust someone to take care of them, and then the other person fails because they’re human, and humans fail. And yet… I can’t imagine not being this way, for some dumb fucking reason.
I’ve been stably poly for 5 years and my biggest lesson has been that stably poly people aren’t who new people wind up with because we aren’t churning through people. I’m just in two long term relationships at the moment. I’m open to another; but I’m very discerning about it. I have a few friends in similar positions.
I think being ethically nonmonogamous is hard but mostly because it’s hard to be vulnerable and treat people right when all your hormones and emotions are flaring. But some of the people I most respect the relationship wisdom of are poly as well. Others are monogamous, and yet both the monogamous and nonmonogamous ones sound very similar when talking about relationships. They speak of honesty, self knowledge, emotional regulation, and a willingness to walk away before it becomes a shit show once you understand it’s no longer working.
But I’ll say this, I’m never going back to monogamy. It wasn’t where I was supposed to be.
In retrospect I think my comment sounds like I’m just excusing being sort of crappy if you’re humble about it.
I wish I’d included the sentiment that we’re all trying the best we can — because being a good partner should be the goal for any relationship.
Even though I’m currently only with my wife, I’m right there with you. I don’t want to add anyone to the mix unless their addition is very carefully considered.
I speak better in metaphor sometimes: It’s kind of like physics, almost. Imagine that we’re touching everyone in our life. If we allow someone to connect to us, they are going to impart their own momentum and direction. That is going to ripple through every connection we have, even if we aren’t able to measure or observe it. So we better make sure they don’t hit us so hard that pieces break apart or get damaged in the process.