Hi, I'm flying home for my birthday (moved out of state for work, then lost my job, and been unemployed for 4 months). My mom asked what I would like her to make me for my birthday dinner, and I have no clue what to ask for. I'm just at a loss because I don't know what I like. I'm not picky, but if left to my own devices would eat mueslix for months at a time. I hate feeling attention, and worst of all pity... But that is the primary feeling when I return to my mothers home. I feel lost and trapped, as more if my life falls through my fingers like a hand desperately grasping into dry sand. Everything feels wrong and I hate that I agreed to come home at all.
I know exactly how you feel. Both the indecision, confusion even, over simple choices and the sense of sinking in quicksand - or better yet, as you say it, grasping for sand. I feel that often, both in terms of smaller moments and bigger-picture life direction stuff. And I also hate attention, so I hate birthdays.
I wish I had good advice, or could tell you that it will get better, but at least know that I know how you feel. I know it's not worth much, but you're not alone.