this post was submitted on 03 Jul 2025
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chapotraphouse
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Yeah, the only existing third spaces nowadays seem to be digital. Atomization of the working class is very real, and has very real impacts on social networking. All the people who want to interact with more people are moving to spaces like discord or places like this website. It sucks, but at some level you just have to roll with the times. I personally hate discord, but I still have it specifically for those third spaces.
And I'm not saying there's anything abnormal about romanticizing romance, I'm just saying that waiting for the right person is worth it. The wrong person will absolutely ruin your life and you'll just be addicted to it. Other people may have relationships, but there's no speaking on how healthy or unhealthy their relationships may be.
Something I will say though is that you gotta chill out on defending incels, because it makes you seem like an incel and that will turn people away from you. You don't have to ridicule them, but playing defense for them is a really bad look to say the least. Just try to be chill and try to appreciate people for who they are, and people will appreciate that you do that. Being nice and helpful are super attractive traits that will boost your self esteem and get you far.
this cannot be life. this cannot be the life i have to live. i have maybe 70 to 80 years on this earth and i need to put all of my existing into that time and a single second together with a friend is worth more than a thousand hours on discord. i want to be able to touch my friends, i want to smell them, i want to hold them, i want to feel them fill the room. i want to see them with my own eyes, without interruption and delay, without translation, i want to shout with them and sing with them and dance with them and make music with them and the world just doesn't want me to and there are people who can do this so why can't i what the fuck is wrong with me. why am i neither a person who can just live online nor someone who can just live offline
i feel for the incel because never feeling desired will break your spirit and your heart and your body and your soul. i obviously don't defend incels in real life, but i genuinely think the way people write about these things on here is wrong and disgusting and just as wrong-headed as the way incels talk.
i am chill and appreciate people, i live a genuine life and have hobbies and friends and i go out sometimes and im nice an helpful. if you saw me in a group of people you couldn't pick me out (i think). this has not gotten me far. in fact it has gotten me absolutely nowhere. im just as much of a virgin as i was ten years ago and believe me ive become a much more genuine and nice and helpful and interesting and interested person in that time and i treat everybody with respect and interest and all i want is someone to hold me and to say they want me and that they want to spend time with me and that has never happened and the whole weight of the world lies on me and there's nothing beneath me but an endless abyss and if i die without ever having received love then that would be a fate infinitely worse than never having lived at all. life with love is everything and life without love is nothing
I think you’re putting too much emphasize on romance. Years ago before I transitioned, I sought a lot of validation through romantic relationships. All it did was make me more desperate and anxious.
After I started my transition, I put romantic pursuit on the back-burner and focused solely on myself. I focused on the goals and desires I could obtain on my own, and that’s given me a stable foundation in my life.
Without that foundation, I would still be continuing to seek emotionally co-dependent relationships, and that’s where you are right now.
Even if you’re not trans, you should step back and focus on your identity for the time being.
Who are you? Who do you want to be? Do those two people align and if not, what can you do to make it so? What goals and aspirations do you have?
Once you figure out the answers to these questions, then you can start to figure out what kind of people you want to surround yourself with and be able to ask yourself a different set of questions:
What kind of people do you want in your life? How does having them around improve your life? How does them having you around improve their life, and how would being in each other’s lives improve things for the both of you?
I've focused on myself for my entire life. I've become a genuine authentic person with interests hobbies passions. The only things I haven't been able to do was become integrated in a community (they just don't exist anymore) or exploit my life for money. I don't have money. My goals and aspirations are to not become another cog in the machine, to not be broken down by capitalism, to not exploit my existence for cold cash. Sadly that's not very attractive to woman, who are smarter than me who know that you can't live without money and that it sucks to be poor and that it's better to live inauthentic fake easy lives that real authentic hard lives
We can give you all the advice we can, but at the end of the day the best course of action you can take would be to see a therapist. You have a lot of shit holding you back from a fulfilling life that isn’t being single, and you need a professional who can help guide you in untangling your web of trauma and insecurities.