Off My Chest
RULES:
I am looking for mods!
1. The "good" part of our community means we are pro-empathy and anti-harassment. However, we don't intend to make this a "safe space" where everyone has to be a saint. Sh*t happens, and life is messy. That's why we get things off our chests.
2. Bigotry is not allowed. That includes racism, sexism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, and religiophobia. (If you want to vent about religion, that's fine; but religion is not inherently evil.)
3. Frustrated, venting, or angry posts are still welcome.
4. Posts and comments that bait, threaten, or incite harassment are not allowed.
5. If anyone offers mental, medical, or professional advice here, please remember to take it with a grain of salt. Seek out real professionals if needed.
6. Please put NSFW behind NSFW tags.
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You are worthy of love, and there is someone out there for you, somewhere.
I totally get your feelings about dating sites, although I dislike them for different reasons. Maybe it's better to try meeting people through other means?
You could join some kind of club which interests you and meet people that way, perhaps? It might take some pressure off, since you're just doing something you enjoy and meeting people in the process. Maybe you get a new friend or even partner, maybe not.
There are even specific events for single people, where you do some activity together. I don't know how the dynamic is on those events, though, because clearly they all know why they're really there.
I have this kind of internal "moderator" for lack of a better word, and basically I'm not "allowed" to have a real partner, because I don't deserve one.
'Deserve' by who's metric?
Humans are communal creatures, we are not meant to be alone and it's driving a lot of the unhappiness in the world
You have value and worth and no person can decide for you what those are.
The "moderator"'s. The best way I can describe it is like a conscience except a really harsh one, and it's like the arbiter of truth but that truth can change very rapidly. Sometimes I'm a bad person, then I'm good, then bad. It's like being given a list of truths and instructions but each one has two sentences overlaid on top of each other and both sentences say the opposite things.
Sounds like you got a hyperactive inner monologue going on, and in this world I don't blame you.
We defs can be our most vicious critic.
Something to consider: Instead of 'I'm a bad person then I'm good, then bad', try reframing it as 'I am a person who has at times done good and bad', and then see if you are the kind of person who wants to do less bad.
If that's the case, boom, there's already the push to self-improve, that's a worthiness that not everyone has.
I know it doesn't work for everyone though I found meditation helped me deal with my own inner critic, and toned him down enough now that he's more of an annoying helper.
Humans are complex, when we try and narrow them down to simple categories like 'good' and 'bad' some nuance is always lost. Some things you have felt were bad actions may have had good ripple effects you never expected, and the good you do can often come back to trouble you.
Instead of judging your value by your past actions, recognize that you can change and judge yourself by all the steps you take from that point on, and make the sincere effort to become better at what you value.
Never compare yourself to others, but always to how far you have grown from your past you.