Mental Health

I (18F) have attachment issues. I don't know why. Maybe it's from trauma, maybe it's just the way I am. Maybe I'm born with it, maybe it's Maybelline.

Anyway, I quickly get attached to people. It's almost always a romantic partner, and if I'm single, the friend who talks to me the most. Right now, I'm not single, so it's my S/O David (17M).

I have a problem with not only attachment issues, but emotional outbursts and thinking in black-and-white. These outbursts include freaking out or getting mad.

I'm trying to get better and I am seeking therapy. I don't intend to hurt others, and I'm improving every day for David (he's the attachment and probably the only person who sees me freak out, though I don't freak out at him or blame him.)

Yesterday, I got mad. My outburst was that David was playing a game and he said it took too long and he couldn't put the game down to be affectionate towards me, so our conversation went like this.

Me: "Hi babeeee <3"

Him: 'hi"

Me: "How are you?"

Him: "good"

Me: "That's good! I am too!"

Him: "yeah"

I don't know why I got an outburst. I don't want to be this way. It doesn't feel like me. It feels like a werewolf version of myself, changing by the light of the full moon. I really don't want to hurt anyone and I know I wasn't justified, so I'm working on it. I didn't outright outburst at him, so I instead vented and wrote about it. I instead said "I don't really like when you're dry like that" and he explained why.

The thing is, David is usually affectionate towards me, using a lot of emojis and such, so when he types like that, it throws me off and I freak out, sadly.

I have acted worse with my other attachments and I have heard the same thing: "It sounds like you have a personality disorder." "This is not healthy." "It sounds like BPD."

I don't know for sure, but I will definitely get it checked out and look into it. My parents are also very sensitive to tone, so I may get it from them if it's a genetic thing.

About "thinking in black-and-white" which I mentioned earlier, I can go from being super happy and thinking he loves me (white) to thinking he hates me, that he's upset, etc. (black). It doesn't even occur to me that there's a gray area, but I'm learning to think there is even when I'm like this and that it can be both. Sure, he can be upset (black) but not at me and he still cares about me (white). It feels my brain does too much to protect me and I've noticed I became hypersensitive. Anyone else can share their story or say if they've experienced something similar.

Edit: I remember being a similar way even at 11. I do wonder if it's an autism thing, honestly, or no. And I know strangers can't diagnose, this is more or less just me sharing my story.

I (then 11F) never saw anything wrong with LGBTQ people, even growing up with homophobia. So when I befriended this really cool girl, "Matilda" (10F), I went for it when she said she was a lesbian who wanted to be my girlfriend. However, Matilda was a really edgy girl and she was also very sarcastic and brash. I was hypersensitive, and even worse.

I took everything to be people out to get me or being rude to me, so when I was told to stand up for myself, I became hypersensitive and defensive. In our friend group, this guy "Henry" (11M) would constantly hang out with Matilda. They would hang out alone, or go to each other's houses. I couldn't come with. I was either busy, my family wouldn't let me go because they thought Matilda was a problem, or because Henry was a boy.

I constantly would freak out because I thought Matilda was "cheating on me", as far as cheating can go in an elementary school relationship. Matilda eventually threatened that she would cheat on me if I asked if she would one more time.

I learned to calm down a bit, apologized to Matilda (though I didn't really forgive myself for a while), and Matilda began to see me as a friend. At the end of fifth grade, we "broke up" as she saw me as a friend or sister and liked another girl. Matilda even said we were young and she forgot about what we said and did. I feel and felt bad nonetheless.