Relationship Advice
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The ideal place to ask for help with your relationships: romantic, friendships, we don't know what we are yet, co-workers or just human interactions in general.
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Related communities:
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Believe me, I've tried. I'm sure there's plenty of people who would be fine with it or even like it, but I'm just not one of them. I'm also sure I'm not the only one who dislikes the look of a buzz cut on a woman. I'm having trouble maintaining a relationship with someone who has a look that I hate.
I would be fine if this was temporary but she's made it clear she never wants to grow it out at all. Not even a pixie cut.
I'd be happy to hear advice that would help me 'get a fucking grip'.
What Volkditty said is the best answer here. I think it's time to get professional help. The worst case it will help you with separating, but the outcomes could only improve from there.
Assuming he gets a good therapist... good luck with the search, OP!
It's pretty obviously not the haircut itself that's the problem...if she went back to having long hair, would you think, "Great! I suddenly no longer have any concerns about my wife's gender identity!" There's something more going on there, whether it's real or just in your head. Go to therapy. Ideally as a couple, but individually if you have to, to get to the bottom of that.
If I'm honest with myself it's hard to pin-point the real source of my feelings. I guess it's a mix of things. But,, at the moment I do think the largest issue is that I don't like the look. My concern about gender identity is one that comes up every now and again, mostly because she made a comment about how good that hairstyle made her feel which sounded like gender euphoria to me. She assures me that's not it, so I think I would be OK if she was happy to grow her hair out.
I guess you're still right about couple's therapy. I did try to organise it at one point, but it got difficult. I'll take it more seriously now.
If she's sure it's not a gender thing, what about a nice wig for dates and that sort of thing?
A different short haircut isn't gender euphoria. I think you are reaching since that scares you.
I don't think it's gender euphoria just because of the haircut. It's that she's thinking she doesn't identify as female anymore, she does seem to have changed. And, seeing herself with a buzz cut evoked strong feelings of it being right. I've definitely heard other people having that kind of gender euphoria from having a male haircut, and I've seen someone else go though a similar transition.
Having said that I'm not trying to say I know better than she does, it is just a fear of what could happen and would ruin the relationship. I don't have any problem with people being trans but I'm simply not attracted to men, trans or otherwise. So there probably is these feelings mixed in when I see such a male haircut on my wife (a look that I also find very unattractive).
Please remember that not identifying as a woman anymore doesn't always mean that they identify as a man, can just as well be anywhere in between or neither. So that wouldn't necessarily change your relationship, they are still the same person.