suicidewatch

I'm homeless when I get to the USA.

I'm separated and a lot of my family hates me.

I kind of want to kill myself. I'm in Bangkok and a lot of people commit suicide here.

I'm fixing the mistake my parents made by having me and the mistake I made not killing myself 19 years ago life a fucking idiot. My hands are bleeding from punching the wall and I won't be able to work later anyway. Yeah so fucking funny that a kid is smelly and gross because the parents never taught it how to clean itself and wipe. So funny. It's stinky because it's a retard. So fucking funny. And when it learns how to be clean on its own, that's so funny that it's trying to be grown and normal like actual people. Funny! So fucking funny that it wants body wash, that's so funny, a retard asking for body wash instead of an actual human being. Funny! And when it grows older and gets into skincare that's so funny! It wants to be grown at 23! So funny that a 23 year old bought skincare products at 23 years old, that's so funny that a 23 year old retard is stepping out of its place to try being normal that's SO FUCKING FUNNY RIGHT? Yeah the retard should just be the stink and dirty retard it always was instead of an actual human being. I really should have killed myself sooner.

I think I should cut my losses. If I accomplish anything, the stupid reason why I deserved to be abused for 20 years would be why. It'll also be why I didn't accomplish anything. I should have just died at birth like I was going to. Why did you interfere with god's plan and force me in a lifetime of suffering? What is the point? Some dying babies deserve to die and I'm proof of that.

I should have just died at birth. I actually tried making this stupid life worth living and it's all wasted effort. Nothing improved, as manic episodes don't count as "happiness". I will always be burdensome scum and a waste of flesh and resources. I'm always going to be emotionally, mentally, and physically stunted. I'm always going to be a joke to society. I'm always going to feel like a void trying to blend in with the actual people. Nothing will improve regardless of how much I try. My only choices are being abused for the rest of my life despite everything, and being a burden at work and on society of the actually loved people. I don't enjoy anything anymore. My life peaked at 4. I don't see a point in trying to improve myself anymore.