shitposting

cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/2609634

Hmmmm… I don’t remember that Beatles song

As if things weren’t going badly enough for him.

The bodies of four Israeli hostages were recovered from Gaza. The Israeli government intensified its attacks in the northern and southern parts of the strip, five Israeli soldiers were killed and seven more were injured by friendly fire in Jabalia, and an estimated 800,000 Palestinians have fled Rafah. The Rafah crossing remained closed, and Egypt blamed Israel for blocking aid from entering Gaza. In the West Bank, Israeli settlers looted aid trucks, destroyed food packages, and torched vehicles that they mistakenly believed were delivering aid to Palestinians, injuring drivers, two Israeli officers, and a soldier. “We do not currently assess that the Israeli government is prohibiting or otherwise restricting the transport or delivery of U.S. humanitarian assistance,” the U.S. State Department said in a report, which concluded both that Israel likely violated international law using American weapons and that there was no hard evidence that Israel violated international law. The first shipment of aid arrived through a U.S.-made floating pier off the coast of Gaza, which cost about $320 million to build. “One cabinet sends humanitarian aid convoys and the other burns them,” the Israel opposition leader Yair Lapid posted on X, criticizing Benjamin Netanyahu’s government.14 Seventeen American doctors were evacuated from a Rafah hospital, but at least three refused to leave, and another U.S. government official resigned over Biden’s response to the war. “Encourage the voluntary departure of Gaza’s residents … It is ethical! It is rational! It is right! It is the truth!” Israeli National Security Minister Itamar Ben Gvir said at a rally attended by thousands, including several other ministers. After pausing a single shipment of bombs, the United States government announced another $1 billion in military aid to Israel. The International Criminal Court’s prosecutor has requested arrest warrants for Netanyahu, Israeli Defense Minister Yoav Gallant, and three Hamas leaders. At a bar in Kyiv, U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken performed “Rockin’ in the Free World” by Neil Young a day before announcing $2 billion in foreign aid to Ukraine. “The United States is with you, so much of the world is with you. And they’re fighting, not just for Ukraine but for the free world,” he said from the stage. “What the United States performs for the free world is not rock ’n’ roll, but some other music similar to Russian chanson,” said a Ukrainian lawmaker and former diplomat.

Iran’s president, Ebrahim Raisi, and its foreign minister, Hossein Amir-Abdollahian, died in a helicopter crash, and Robert Fico, the Slovakian prime minister, was hospitalized after being shot multiple times. France declared a state of emergency in New Caledonia after a clash between voting-reform protesters and security forces in which four people were killed and more than 300 were injured. At New York University, pro-Palestine student protesters were required to complete a 49-page disciplinary workbook that included a section inspired by an episode of The Simpsons in which Lisa cheats on a test. “What, if anything, could Lisa have done or thought about to make better decisions?” the workbook asked. Columbia University faculty members passed a no-confidence vote against President Nemat Shafik over her response to student protests, and Sonoma State University’s president, Mike Lee, announced his early retirement after being placed on leave for publicizing an agreement with protesters via email. At their graduation ceremonies, Morehouse College students turned their backs on Biden, and Duke University students walked out on Jerry Seinfeld. Democratic Senator Bob Menendez blamed his wife for bribery charges at his corruption trial, and Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito blamed his wife for displaying an upside-down American flag, a symbol associated with the pro-Trump “Stop the Steal” movement and the January 6 insurrection, at their home in Virginia days before Biden’s inauguration. “Her life truly started when she began living her vocation as a wife and as a mother,” said the Kansas City Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker of his wife at a commencement speech at Benedictine College before encouraging young women to give up on having careers. Sixteen women accused the magician David Copperfield of sexual assault, and Brett Kavanaugh beat other justices in a three-mile race in Washington, D.C.

Buckingham Palace unveiled King Charles III’s first official portrait since his coronation. “It was a bit of a shock—all that red, dripped here and there and scrubbed on and scrubbed off,” one artist said of the painting, adding, “Is it the blood that has been shed as a result of British colonialism for centuries?” “Yes, you’ve got him,” was Queen Camilla’s response to the work. In Taiwan, MPs brawled after spending more than 10 hours debating legislative reforms; they pulled, shoved, punched, and tackled each other, and one ran off with the bill. Snakes bit a West Virginia politician, delayed a train in Tokyo, crashed a wedding in Arizona, and invaded an Indy 500 track, and an Australian woman chose to share her car with a red-bellied black snake after several removal attempts failed. In Germany, the world’s oldest sloth turned 54. A dog named Luna was awarded a New York City Council citation for killing more than 200 rats, and a cat named Max received a doctorate in “Litter-ature” from Vermont State University. Seven hundred and six Kyles in Kyle, Texas, failed a second attempt to break the world record for the largest same-name gathering, and more than 3,000 people in dinosaur costumes in Drumheller, Alberta, didn’t receive a Guinness World Record; organizers “weren’t entirely prepared for that many people to come.” The New York–Dublin Portal was shut down after an OnlyFans model flashed it. “I thought the people of Dublin deserved to see my two New York, homegrown potatoes,” she said in an Instagram video. In Texas, 50,000 pounds of potatoes were given away after an anonymous donation.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/15667300

Major USA political affiliations explained

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ml/post/15614803

The Spectre of Communism is haunting the internet

cross-posted from: https://lemmygrad.ml/post/4263050

Comrade Barbie

It'd be a load-bearing wall.

LYNCHBURG, TN—Saying the spirit had been blended with construction workers, farmers, and airline pilots in mind, distiller Jack Daniel’s unveiled a new whiskey Thursday designed to be consumed while operating heavy machinery. “Whether it’s a forklift, dump truck, or crane, nothing lightens the load of handling large industrial equipment like Jack Daniel’s Blue-Collar Label Whiskey,” said company spokesperson Luke Montgomery, who added that the white oak barrel-aged whiskey also takes the edge off for workers operating a drilling rig in a coal mine or on an offshore oil platform. “It’s perfect for sipping discreetly from a thermos while barreling down a cornfield in a combine harvester toward screaming farmhands, or down a runway in an Airbus 320 toward screaming baggage handlers. The next time you’re in the business district of a major city swinging around a 12,000-pound wrecking ball, consider the bold, distinct flavor of Jack Daniel’s.” Company officials later clarified that the new Jack Daniel’s was perfect for “plain old drinking and driving” too.

[slideshow]

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.today/post/7564575

rule

Harper's Weekly Review 27-Feb-24

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The United States cast the sole vote against a United Nations security council resolution that would have endorsed a ceasefire in Gaza; the dissension was sufficient to veto the action, and represented the third instance of the Biden Administration’s rejection of a cessation of hostilities. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reiterated his intent to order the ground invasion of Rafah, and said that even the return of the remaining hostages in Hamas captivity would not deter him. “We’ll do it anyway,” he said. The UN’s World Food Programme announced that it would halt all deliveries of food rations to northern Gaza; the UN said that the aid would have been “lifesaving,” as conditions there approach those of famine, but that widespread Israeli bombardment of the region forbade their safe approach. President Joe Biden requested that Israeli forces not target the members of the Gazan police force that escorts the aid trucks, and his administration restored a legal finding that Israeli settlements in the occupied Palestinian territories are inconsistent with international law; an Israeli campaign to build more than 3,000 homes on Palestinian land in the West Bank precipitated the White House revision. “We should kill ’em all,” said the Tennessee Republican congressman Andy Ogles of Palestinians in Gaza. “I will no longer be complicit in genocide,” said a member of the U.S. Air Force before self-immolating in front of the Israeli Embassy in Washington. He succumbed to his injuries.

In a letter, members of Congress urged Biden to secure reparations for black Americans. A contender in the race for governor of North Carolina suggested that black people themselves owe reparations; the candidate, who currently serves as the state’s lieutenant governor, is black. During a South Carolina stump speech by Nikki Haley, black rallygoers revealed themselves to be protesters, interrupting Haley’s address to call her promotion of union busting “disgusting”; former President Donald Trump went on to secure that state’s primary in a landslide victory. “The black people are so much on my side now,” he said, attributing his supposed appeal among that demographic to his criminal indictments and the prevalence of his mug shot. “They have been hurt so badly and discriminated against, and they actually viewed me as, I’m being discriminated against,” Trump continued. “This is connecting with black America because they love sneakers!” opined an anchor for Fox News of Trump’s recently announced line of footwear. Joe Biden and Kamala Harris hired a “Black media director,” who called Trump “an incompetent, anti-Black tyrant.” Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas hired a law clerk who is alleged to have written text messages stating “I HATE BLACK PEOPLE. Like fuck them all … I hate blacks. End of story.” The late-night talk show host John Oliver said that he would award Thomas $1 million to resign from his post.

Vice Media announced plans to shutter its publication and slash hundreds of jobs. Biden told White House aides that the secret to a successful marriage is “good sex.” “Could it be that the world of Barbie is sheer hell?” asked the director Werner Herzog. Flaco, the Eurasian eagle owl that escaped the Central Park Zoo just over a year ago, died after flying into a building on Manhattan’s West 89th Street, and a crew of scientists working on the TV show Pole to Pole: With Will Smith discovered a new species of snake while filming; they declined to name the anaconda variety after the actor. An unidentified flying object observed traversing the skies of Salt Lake City, Utah, turned out to be a balloon; a joint military command issued a fighter jet to intercept it. Two thousand nauseated passengers have been sequestered to their cruise ship off the coast of Mauritius until their mystery gastrointestinal illness passes. Monica Lewinsky partnered with the clothing retailer Reformation to raise voter turnout with a promotional line of dresses; Lewinsky modeled each dress herself and urged women to head to the polls if they “wanna complain for the next four years.” —Lake Micah

A weekly dispatch taking aim at the relentless absurdity of the 24-hour news cycle.

The Israeli military temporarily released a Palestinian prisoner bound in zip-tie handcuffs to tell the thousands sheltering in a Khan Younis hospital to evacuate before the facility would be bombed; among the refugees was the prisoner’s mother, and Israeli forces shot him fatally after he delivered the message. “We don’t expect Gazans really to be able to return to their homes until this mission is completed,” said Matt Miller, a spokesperson for the U.S. Department of State. President Joe Biden phoned Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and conditioned his support of Israel’s air strikes in Rafah on “a credible and executable plan for ensuring the safety of and support for” civilians therein; since then, a member of Netanyahu’s cabinet planned a ground invasion of the city, Netanyahu said that Israel would “finish the job” in Gaza if hostages taken by Hamas were not returned by Ramadan, and the Biden Administration declared its intention to supply Israel with still more munitions. “I will be damned if I’m going to give another nickel to the Netanyahu government in order to continue this war against the Palestinian people,” said Senator Bernie Sanders. Senator Chris Van Hollen condemned Israel’s actions in Gaza as war crimes, then voted to send the country $14 billion in aid. The Water Transport Workers Federation of India refused to load and unload weapons cargo meant for Israel, and Yemeni Houthis disrupted Israel-bound shipments. Container ship arrivals in the Gulf of Aden were down 92 percent.

The state of Wisconsin adopted legislative maps that will reduce a long-standing Republican gerrymandering edge. Nearly one-fifth of Americans believe in a conspiracy theory involving the strategic government use of Taylor Swift to increase Biden’s reelection chances. The White House announced Biden’s imminent annual physical, which will not include a cognitive test. In a poll, 62 percent of respondents said they thought Biden was not mentally sharp, while only 47 percent said so of Donald Trump. Wind farms were found not to be “driving whales crazy,” despite Trump’s assertion that they were. Campaigning in Pennsylvania, Trump attended Philadelphia’s Sneaker Con to reveal the design of his “Never Surrender” line of footwear, the MSRP of which is $399; the announcement was met with a chorus of boos even as the shoes sold out within hours; the day before, Trump received a fine of $355 million that would require the sale of an estimated 1,127,820 pairs to pay off. “Nobody’s paying their bills,” said Trump of NATO member countries that do not devote at least 2 percent of their gross domestic product to defense. “If they’re not going to pay, we’re not going to protect,” he continued. Trump’s deputy director of communications posted a video clip of the former president watching high school cheerleaders dance for him; Trump made for an audience of one, and shimmied in return.

A New York man exploited a housing loophole that allowed him to live rent-free for five years in the New Yorker Hotel; he later filed paperwork claiming ownership of the building and charged another tenant for rent. A school in Florida asked parents for permission to teach “a book written by an African American.” “I’m hit! I’m hit!” cried a Florida deputy after mistaking for gunshots the sound of falling acorns. A virgin stingray in a North Carolina aquarium is pregnant. Senator Elizabeth Warren said that the Rock would be in her “dream blunt rotation.” The NYPD dance team performed a choreographed routine on a local New York news station; they received poor reviews. “How many school music programs got defunded for this?” asked Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez upon seeing the footage. —Lake Micah

From Harper's Weekly Review, Feb 13, 2024

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Federal safety regulators warned families of “TV tip-overs” ahead of the Super Bowl, which the Kansas City Chiefs won in overtime, and U.S. Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg reminded Tesla owners not to wear Apple’s virtual reality headset while driving. A law in Australia introduced “the right to disconnect” outside of work hours, scientists discovered a hidden ocean on Saturn’s smallest moon, and a study found that Viagra may help protect men against dementia. Two JetBlue planes collided on the tarmac at Boston’s Logan Airport, and a cruise ship hosting a music festival promising “six terrifying nights of music and madness” crashed into a pier in Jamaica. An FBI contractor arrested for stealing a car from the bureau’s headquarters said he had received “coded messages” that he was in danger, and Fairfax County police will purchase 450 “Spider-Man-like” lassos for subduing suspects. “I’m on top of the world. I got a broom, like I’m sweeping my grandma’s living room,” said the rapper Killer Mike days after winning three awards at the Grammys, where he was handcuffed and escorted out for an alleged misdemeanor. The entry “Taylor Drift” won a snowplow-naming contest in Minnesota. A boy got trapped in a claw machine in Brisbane, and a woman who fell into a New Hampshire dumpster survived being compacted with the trash four times. Climbers of Mount Everest will now be required to bring their poop back to base camp; “Our mountains have begun to stink,” said a local leader.

What’s that carnival for?

You haven't seen anything like that!

Everyone wears a mask.

But what is that for?

What these people celebrate?

Not just one, but many days,

Even months, in a succession

This parade wouldn’t stop..

This is known for even complete cretin

That’s there’s a worldwide quarantine

.

Orthodoxal quarantine!

God is with you, you are not alone.

For the nation not to get sick!

We shall not forget

To kiss our idols in the church.

Let’s get together in the procession!

.

They say, that’s the hell is opening,

But would you believe them?

There’s so much talk

There’s so much fucking lies,

About this virus, about the crisis,

Let them read the Catechism!

There are a lot of things,

Even those that Putin miss.

Don’t you sit there like a fool

Pray, repent for sins you do.

.

Orthodoxal quarantine.

God is with you, you are not alone.

For the nation not to get sick!

We shall not forget

To kiss our idols in the church.

Let’s get together in the procession!

.

The way to health is not demanding

Quarantine isn’t unlike the fasting:

From the tempting, from marasmus,

On the side of pure orgasmus.

It would help from every pain

Like the sound of church’s bell

You just stay at home, until you turn grey,

Or until they would say that going out is okay.

.

How mighty it is - the self-isolation,

That mighty we have troubles with canalization.

Volga river would become cleaner

If there’s no one to shit in her.

.

Orthodoxal quarantine!

God is with you, you are not alone!

For the nation not to get sick.

We shall not forget

To kiss our idols in the church!

Let’s get together in the procession!

cross-posted from: https://lemmygrad.ml/post/3623364

The Israel emoji