A weekly dispatch taking aim at the relentless absurdity of the 24-hour news cycle.
The Israeli military temporarily released a Palestinian prisoner bound in zip-tie handcuffs to tell the thousands sheltering in a Khan Younis hospital to evacuate before the facility would be bombed; among the refugees was the prisoner’s mother, and Israeli forces shot him fatally after he delivered the message. “We don’t expect Gazans really to be able to return to their homes until this mission is completed,” said Matt Miller, a spokesperson for the U.S. Department of State. President Joe Biden phoned Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and conditioned his support of Israel’s air strikes in Rafah on “a credible and executable plan for ensuring the safety of and support for” civilians therein; since then, a member of Netanyahu’s cabinet planned a ground invasion of the city, Netanyahu said that Israel would “finish the job” in Gaza if hostages taken by Hamas were not returned by Ramadan, and the Biden Administration declared its intention to supply Israel with still more munitions. “I will be damned if I’m going to give another nickel to the Netanyahu government in order to continue this war against the Palestinian people,” said Senator Bernie Sanders. Senator Chris Van Hollen condemned Israel’s actions in Gaza as war crimes, then voted to send the country $14 billion in aid. The Water Transport Workers Federation of India refused to load and unload weapons cargo meant for Israel, and Yemeni Houthis disrupted Israel-bound shipments. Container ship arrivals in the Gulf of Aden were down 92 percent.
The state of Wisconsin adopted legislative maps that will reduce a long-standing Republican gerrymandering edge. Nearly one-fifth of Americans believe in a conspiracy theory involving the strategic government use of Taylor Swift to increase Biden’s reelection chances. The White House announced Biden’s imminent annual physical, which will not include a cognitive test. In a poll, 62 percent of respondents said they thought Biden was not mentally sharp, while only 47 percent said so of Donald Trump. Wind farms were found not to be “driving whales crazy,” despite Trump’s assertion that they were. Campaigning in Pennsylvania, Trump attended Philadelphia’s Sneaker Con to reveal the design of his “Never Surrender” line of footwear, the MSRP of which is $399; the announcement was met with a chorus of boos even as the shoes sold out within hours; the day before, Trump received a fine of $355 million that would require the sale of an estimated 1,127,820 pairs to pay off. “Nobody’s paying their bills,” said Trump of NATO member countries that do not devote at least 2 percent of their gross domestic product to defense. “If they’re not going to pay, we’re not going to protect,” he continued. Trump’s deputy director of communications posted a video clip of the former president watching high school cheerleaders dance for him; Trump made for an audience of one, and shimmied in return.
A New York man exploited a housing loophole that allowed him to live rent-free for five years in the New Yorker Hotel; he later filed paperwork claiming ownership of the building and charged another tenant for rent. A school in Florida asked parents for permission to teach “a book written by an African American.” “I’m hit! I’m hit!” cried a Florida deputy after mistaking for gunshots the sound of falling acorns. A virgin stingray in a North Carolina aquarium is pregnant. Senator Elizabeth Warren said that the Rock would be in her “dream blunt rotation.” The NYPD dance team performed a choreographed routine on a local New York news station; they received poor reviews. “How many school music programs got defunded for this?” asked Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez upon seeing the footage. —Lake Micah