Don't take your real phone with you. Just get a cheap burner phone that you can reset after customs went through it.

There really is no such thing as 'The USA.'

I live in New York City and what's cool here will get you arrested in other places.

Some towns are fine with you having a rifle on open display. Some towns are fine with you smoking pot on the street.

when you stub your toe you get heroin

Buy a gun on day one. Just go to almost any gun show and bam, no paperwork. You'll need a gun because there is this nationwide gang, they are crazy organized, drive the same cars, all rep the color blue and collectively hate immigrants, not you, the poor ones. Anyway I believe they go by "police officer" or "cops" i prefer little piggy but that dont, steer clear at all costs, but if you have to, take out your ghetto blaster and pump em full of lead.

You'll die a hero and recognized for decades to come, or the cops will bury you in a shallow grave somewhere in Mississippi and act like you were kidnapped, no in between, good luck soilder

It would appear i upset some of you with my totally serious comment, have you considered buying a gun and coming after me? That's your right when in murica

Never take the ambulance. They will suck your money and your soul.

Don't forget your gun. America is extremely dangerous but only if you're unarmed. All the criminals and cops can smell if you have a gun and they'll be too afraid to do anything to you if you have one.

Also you can't trust our water, so it's purely Soda and Budweiser while you're here. Locals might tell you to eat at local restaurants but their stomachs are habituated. You'll need to stick to McDonald's. Luckily there is one on every single corner.

If you get injured you should avoid using an ambulance as they will take you directly to a hospital. In the US that's just where we go to die. You need to drive yourself to an Urgent Care doctor. If you can't drive yourself and have to use an ambulance then there is a complimentary memorial wreath that can be sent to your family. Along with the invoice for your death care of course.

The US is smaller than it appears on maps. This is because most maps are not American centric and have to expand the US to show the ratio properly. You might have budgeted multiple days to travel between the coasts but you really can just do New York one day and the Grand Canyon the next day.

Did I miss anything? Oh yeah it's traditional to make a bomb joke with the customs agent as you come into the country. Especially if you can manage a middle eastern accent. All of us do it. It's a grand joke.

I'm told the temperature is different here.

I recommend travel health insurance. It's affordable and a good piece of mind considering their healthcare can be extremely expensive.

Remember not to be black.

The Queen is still alive and we have her. Just don't tell anyone, okay?