there is nothing you can do from being fully and devastatingly dicked over.
I'm so ready for the Onion News Network Renaissance
this post was submitted on 11 Nov 2024
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I haven't watched the video, and I know it's The Onion, but based on the headline, I'm still not convinced this is satire. If anything it proves that The Onion now reports legitimate facts.
But I thought I was still a virgin. Will I get preganant?
Yes, and you will have the baby.
But I can get an abortion still... right? Right!?!
Yes again, but if out goes poorly, they let you die instead of helping you.
Mary did.
Mary definitely fucked somebody. Maybe Joseph was an asshole husband and Mary fucked a pool boy while she contemplated leaving and getting stoned to death, but when she told Joe that she was pregnant with God's baby and he believed her, she realized that he was a loyal husband and that she wanted to stay with him. Therefore the legend of Jesus was born because Joseph truly believed Jesus was the son of God. Over the years due to the massive lie she had told, Mary too began to believe her own lie as many liars often do.
I doubt Mary or Joseph ever existed.
Suggesting some rando carpenter from Nazareth sprung forth from nothing rather than having parents like a normal person is way more religious than even what the Christians claim.
Next you'll be trying to tell me Pontus Pilate was fictional too, LOL!
spoiler
(This is meant to be lightheated ribbing, and a gentle reminder that disbelieving miraculous religious BS doesn't require also nonsensically abandoning belief in the mere existence of documented historical figures. Apologies in advance if I didn't get the tone quite right to convey that.)
Neoreaction a Basilisk vindicated yet again