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I think about what my character would be on the character creation screen if I was given a free respawn.
If that doesn't work, I think about cutting my hair, bagging everything feminine in the house, throwing it away, etc. That idea usually has me in tears. (Is that a clue I'm not cis?)
Also trying to remember how depressing it is to go back to presenting as male.
I've been on HRT for 2 months and I still have doubts occasionally. But then I think of stopping HRT and going back to how it was before and it fills me with absolute terror. That really helps with the doubts.
Deciding whether to start HRT in the first place was a bit more difficult, but it helped to realistically compare the two options. I could either start HRT and have a small probability of finding out it wasn't right for me and regretting it. Or I could do nothing, but I already knew that I would regret that decision for the rest of my life. So I went with the better odds!
Yes, once I started HRT taking seriously the thought of stopping definitely shocks me back into affirming continuing HRT. I think sometimes I forget how bad it was before I was on HRT and it allows me to entertain delusional thinking, like that it's all just placebo, etc.
Deciding HRT was definitely diagnostic for me as well, and it seems I clearly prefer it.
I have a couple answers to this that might be uncommon, personal, and wouldn't have helped me in the early stages, but were the final nails in the coffin of this doubt for me and I haven't ever worried about it since.
The first came a couple months after coming out. I noticed that I had already changed a lot, almost entirely mental. I couldn't describe exactly how, but it felt like I really had done myself a favor and burned the bridges I needed to in order to take control of my life. At that point, I started to figure - well, if this whole being-a-girl thing doesn't work out, who's to say I can't transition again? I couldn't imagine going back to who I was before - I knew that if I was going to ever identify as masculine again, it'd be a retransition, not a detransition. And tbh if that ever happens I very much look forward to what new roads lie in front of me. It's nothing to be afraid of - everyone I fell out with in the process of coming out was no real friend of mine anyway. And I know the people in my life now would have my back.
The second was that I developed pretty severe fibromyalgia after some time on HRT. I think I had it to a low grade before? But it definitely worsened to a disabling degree after about a year on hormones. It's not a very well understood condition (and as a diagnosis of exclusion it's probably not just one condition) but it's a lot more common in women, which maybe implies it's just part of how my body works on estrogen. So I had a choice to make - would I rather go off estrogen if it'd help with the pain? And the answer was a surprisingly immediate and definitive "hell fucking no". Even with a new disability life was so much better. That's the point I knew it was the right choice and I've never doubted it since.
I guess the way I'd tie this up is - it took a long while after I started giving it a go to be 100% assured I'd made the right decision. It is a leap of faith you will have to make without a guarantee - that said, if you're thinking about it to this level your odds are probably extremely high. And you'll know pretty quick if things like HRT are for you or not.
You might also benefit from nonbinary identity in the meantime to give yourself the space to explore any and all options. I landed on identifying as nonbinary but broadly transfemme - you can figure out the more specific parts of your identity later, just figure out what you want to explore in the present and you'll get there with some time!
I had a lot of doubts to begin with. Part of what helped me was learning that it's not useful to think of words like trans as prescriptive, but as descriptive. I started only thinking in terms of benefits and making myself comfortable.
I want to wear different clothes and otherwise present myself differently because I've always wanted to? Then I'll do that.
I tried HRT and I liked the mental and physical effects? Then I'll continue with HRT.
I have no connection to my name and prefer a female coded name? Then I'll use a new female coded name.
Etc. etc.
Trans is just a word and the more important part is making yourself happy.
Edit: The word trans is useful because it describes a bunch of the stuff I'm doing, and it makes me happy when I see things that are trans supportive. I think it's also worth remembering that gender is a spectrum and that being transgender is defined as not identifying with the gender you were assigned at birth/not being cis, and therefore includes a lot of identities and ways of expressing yourself.
No one else gets to go inside your head and tell you how you feel, so it's only up to you to decide whether or not you are trans. Honestly you can do a bunch of gender non-conforming things and even do all sorts of transitiony things and stuff associated with being trans and then just decide to "not be trans" if you feel like it, even if others might describe you as such. What do they know anyways? Most people haven't really put their gender identity under the looking glass or even so much as read about the subject.
Yes, I do tend to think of the trans label as a diagnostic category that if I'm in it, I should do certain things, so it is prescriptive and that grounds my choices around transitioning. Before transition I couldn't motivate myself around things like my comfort or desires, that felt too selfish, especially for something that admittedly blows up my life and creates so many problems (I have lost several family members as a result of transitioning, for example).
It was only by realizing I was essentially living with a condition and not medicated that I was being irresponsible, and that was being a burden on others because I was living this way.
That said, whether I think of trans as prescriptive or descriptive, the doubt feelings have a foothold because it can equally target uncertainty about what I experience as what I want or find comforting - I can wonder if I am delusional about my own assessment of the mental and physical effects of HRT. This is especially the case when I started HRT and realized I had been really not mentally well for most of my life and not realized it. I had depression, suicidal ideation, intense anxiety, and a whole host of other issues that seemed to magically disappear when I started HRT, and the fact that I had never thought I had those things before really unseated my confidence in self-perception.
Anyway, yes - at the end of the day it's undeniable and not ambiguous that I'm a trans woman, I feel very happy on estrogen and as a woman, etc. - the doubts are truly disconnected from reality, or maybe a better way of putting it is that the doubts are an attempt to rationalize detransitioning because it's risky and scary being a trans woman where I live, and there is a part of me that is clearly concerned about survival as a trans person. (Of course, detransitioning at this point is even more likely to threaten my survival, just in a different way.)
Yes, I do tend to think of the trans label as a diagnostic category that if I'm in it, I should do certain things,
That's because of generations of transphobic gatekeeping shoving that down our throats. They hide the people who don't fit the acceptable narratives, and deny them care and invalidate them.
That is absolutely not what being trans is about.
Being trans is about taking the steps to live your life on your own terms. If you don't know what your own terms are, then its giving yourself permission to explore and find out, because even that is living your life on your own terms.
It was only by realizing I was essentially living with a condition and not medicated that I was being irresponsible, and that was being a burden on others because I was living this way.
The reality of living with dysphoria is real, but it's important that you don't equate dysphoria and trans identity. One can be trans without dysphoria, and whilst there is a relationship between the two, they are distinct, and one doesn't automatically flow from the other.
You don't need to know all the answers. You don't need a diagnosis. You don't need a permanent and forever label that you are 100% certain of, because honestly, none of those things will give you what you want. If you're chasing them, it's because you are trying to validate who you are to yourself and to others. And that self doubt is a real thing, that so many of us struggle with. But we don't solve it by finding labels and saying "See, I've got proof", because the self doubt doesn't care about that, and will still sneak through the cracks.
We disempower self doubt by living our lives on our own terms, and over time, the truth of our lived experience starts to undo the lifetime of self doubt we've been taught. Of course, it's much harder than a single sentence makes it sound, but just be careful not to fall in to the trap of chasing labels and identity as the answer to the doubts you have, because they're not. The labels help you understand more about yourself and the people around you, but they're tools, not answers
Regarding trans-medicalism, I do tend to view my own transness through a clinical lens, and this lends itself to a lot of superficial overlap with trans-medicalists. However, I don't see a need to equate dysphoria with trans identity nor to gatekeep others in their identity. Politically it is advantageous to have a big tent and to cooperate with one another, and that's the spirit with which I see trans identity, i.e. there isn't a single way of being trans and the thing that brings us all together is our mutual oppression under the hegemonic gender ideology. (For this reason, I think trans people should see intersex individuals as belonging to our political identity and as having a shared struggle, since they are similarly oppressed.)
I certainly would have been denied trans care under the old Benjamin rules, for example because I have attraction to women. I consider trans-medicalism as harmful and likely to lead to trans people being pushed back into the closet and refused services they probably need. I have seen this recently with the talk about the incel "transmaxxing" manifesto, which sounds basically like a way for incels who are trans to rationalize transitioning; truscum seem to view this transmaxxing manifesto as confirmation that men are stealing precious gender affirming care from more deserving and valid trans women, while I tend to think it's more likely that anyone who thinks estrogen makes you happy should probably be permitted access to estrogen and is probably just having a hard time admitting they're a woman.
There is a lot of wisdom in your comment. I think a big problem I am running into is a weak sense of self and a lack of self-esteem. Because it feels like I just try to fit whatever identity is expected of me, it becomes a crisis when I try to declare an identity outside of that, because I don't really have a strong sense of any identity outside of what is expected of me. This makes me heavily conformist in my thinking and behavior, and I think I'll be happy if I'm just another woman.
Sometimes I get worried that I am going through my transition too quickly, that if I were non-binary, I wouldn't catch those subtleties. Being attracted to women complicates this as well, as a lot of the way we think about femininity gets wrapped up in sexual dynamics - I notice among cis lesbians the incorporation of masculine elements (sometimes it even seems some sapphic women have more masculine features outside of their gender expression!). I don't feel like a butch, but being a sapphic femme can be confusing when you're born in a male body, I feel different from straight women in subtle ways that can lead to "am I non-binary" kind of thinking.
I'm also getting older, and there is a part of me that feels like a lot of my self-doubting has nothing to do with the actual question or exploration of my identity. Instead, it has to do with the fears I have about transitioning. I'm ten months into taking HRT and there has never been a moment where I thought being a man is preferable, nor where I thought a non-binary identity seemed affirming. I don't like being gender-ambiguous or being able to be perceived as either gender, it's clear that I think being a woman is the best, and so I use that as my North star.
Anyway, I need to work on self-construction and affirmation more, because I think you're right that it would probably help with my doubt issue.
Thank you as always for your wisdom. ❤️
For what it's worth, I'm a late transitioning trans woman that speed ran my transition and has a semi antagonistic relationship with femininity.
Nearly 8 years in, I still wonder if I'd identify on the binary if I'd have been born a generation or two later than I was. I still don't really understand my sexuality and romantic attractions.
All I can tell you though is that even without all of the answers, I'm more me than I've ever been :)
When that happens, I think of aging. I notice that I would dread aging as a man but I am fine with aging to be an old lady.
I do feel like ageing will somehow rob me of my gender, since being a woman feels so tied up in being pretty and having a man's body puts so much pressure on doing everything you can to lean into being pretty so you won't be confused for a man. Being old will texture my skin and make it harder to appear as a woman, but maybe it won't be such a big deal.
Either way, another one that struck me was that I thought I had body dysmorphia and just hated being fat, but what I realized one day is that actually I hated the male pattern fat distribution on my body, and I wouldn't mind feminine fat distribution even if it made me not skinny, etc. Recognizing there was a gendered lens to my body hatred was a shock to me.
hey the fat distrubution thing is relateable to me too. I think getting old while on hrt would be good enough to not "get robbed off my gender"
yes, especially at your age - most of the androgenization of my body happened when I was in my 20s, so preventing that would be massive!! It can be harder for us trans-laters, but I still think most of us recognize it's worth it. Honestly, I couldn't even give myself the hope of being a woman in the world, my transition goals were / are oriented around things like mental health. If I ever manage to integrate into cis-normative society and live passing as a woman it's beyond what I am willing to let myself dream or hope for.
As long as it eases dysphoria it would be worth it I think. Also I saw a lot of timelines online of people who transitioned when they were older. A lot of them passed and the others were atill really pretty even though didn't 100% pass. So I would say neither of our cganches are bad.
I decided to not worry about labels and instead figure out what I want. Who cares whether I'm Really Trans™ if I get to have a feminine body -- and that's something (if I'm honest) I've wanted so much since... well, as long as I can remember. Do I feel like a woman? Eh, who knows. I certainly never felt much like a man. Or a human, come to that.
And sure, some days I don't want to look at my dysphoria-inducing face practicing makeup, or listen to my dysphoria-inducing voice doing training, and that's fine. Put on some androgynous clothes, cuddle up with Blåhaj and Trust the Process while I watch a film or something. More often than not I end up wanting to do something girly anyway after a while.
And some days, when I get the tuck just right, and my hair isn't too bad, and I've got on some nice tight jeans and a cute sweater, I think: "do I want to be a trans woman?". And the answer is hell, yeah.
The doubts seem to be able to shift from "am I trans" to "is this affirming" really easily. Even when I can feel it is affirming, the non-affirming aspects of being trans, the literal dysphoria that confirms I am trans, can make me feel confused about whether I am delusional about what I am feeling, about what I find affirming, etc.
I think a lot of the doubting comes from fear about being trans, about the commitment and long-term and permanent changes to my body, and so on. In a world without transphobia I might feel some doubts or uncertainty, and that could be difficult (I'm the kind of person that can't get a tattoo because it's "Permanent"), but I think I would have a lot less obsessive doubting, a lot of this is just coming from some kind of survival drive or something, lol.
And yeah, I feel the ups and downs. Androgynous clothes never help me, but some kinds of self-care like shaving can be a bit brutal, having to look at my face in the mirror, etc.
I’m the kind of person that can’t get a tattoo because it’s “Permanent”
I had this too! I think it came from an internalized idea of "I must accept the body I was born with." Gave me a massive crisis when my girlfriend at the time got her ears pierced... I was so close to figuring it all out 20 years ago!
Now I've allowed myself to change my body, that's all just vanished. Still don't fancy a tattoo though :P
I had a lot of doubts before coming out and getting on HRT. Now I know I am a woman, sure I still have days I don't feel pretty and dysphoria gets me down, some days I don't feel like a woman and I just feel like me.. But before HRT I never felt like me, I had nice distractions time to time, but I never felt comfortable in my own skin and now I have that most of the time. <3
Some days you don't "feel like a woman", but on days when you "feel like a woman" what is that like for you?
I find there is almost a psycho-social aspect to "feeling like a woman" - that getting dressed up, wearing makeup, and then being in society as a woman results in something remarkable where I begin to see myself as a woman more.
I have habituated seeing myself as a man in this same psycho-social way, and in my dreams I sometimes revert to a "man" this way, and sometimes in my dreams I am a "man living as a woman" in that particular trans way (where my body is neither fully male nor female, and I try to live as a woman but feel insecure in that position).
All that said, I felt like being a man was more truly a deception somehow. For whatever insecurities I have as a woman, being a woman doesn't make me feel like I'm putting on a fake character or show for people the way that I felt when I tried to live and pass as a man (the fact that I felt like I had to "pass" as a man when I was assigned male at birth is maybe a sign here).
I agree that I feel much more comfortable in my skin, but sometimes it feels like maybe some dissociation thaws and I suddenly become much more sensitive to my male body - like all the positive effects from transitioning overshoot and I suddenly expect myself to be a cis woman in a cis woman's body, and reminders that this isn't true then are even more disturbing than it felt when I felt fully like a monster but felt so far away from being "me" in my body.
I discussed this with my partner, this was a huge comment to unpack. And we agree that maybe you aren't quite feeling doubts, but instead insecurity/imposter syndrome. And that is something I mean when I say I feel not like a woman some days, and in others that I don't feel as pretty as I'd like. We have some extra baggage having come from a testosterone heavy past and we experience the same insecurities a cis person would experience with that added.
That said in the social aspect I receive a lot of affirmation, and I honestly don't even try to pass. I struggle but honestly I have to recognize that most of my battles are between me and my mirror, colored by thoughts of my pre-transition self.
I just remember that I'm biohacking my body with hormones, and remember that's rad as fuck, and that I'm rad as fuck, and anybody who thinks otherwise is most defiantly not rad as fuck.
lol, I don't have that kind of confidence or self-esteem. Where you see rad biohacking, I see fragility and disease - a problem with my body that makes me reliant on industrial inputs I cannot produce myself, which keep me desperate and dependent (esp. on my employer, my only feasible path to health insurance).
I cracked my egg about 1 month ago. I'm about to start HRT in less than 2 months (MTF). I'm 26.
I sometimes do have moments of doubts but they quickly vanish when I look at myself in the mirror wearing my fem clothes, or when I do makeup. Something incredible is how I feel like jolts of pure happiness when people call me by my new name.
I remember the day I told myself I am trans and going to do HRT. There was a storm and I was outside yelling, crying and dancing. I didn't care about the rain, nothing mattered around me for a moment, just me being incredibly happy, maybe for the first time in my life. Just the realisation itself is a strong sign for me.
First of all, congrats - I wish I had transitioned when I was 26!
I do feel happiness when called my name (esp. by strangers or people who didn't know me pre-transition), and I feel happy wearing women's clothes (I felt this way before my egg cracked too, which is weird because I have internalized wearing women's clothes as a part of my "cis male" identity and experience).
I think "doubt" becomes a bit of an amorphous term, at some point I think it's clear that what I'm experiencing is essentially an emotion, a sense of insecurity, fear, and uncertainty about transitioning rather than a reasonable intuition that I'm not trans or that I am wrong. Ironically I seem to "doubt" the most when I am dysphoric and feeling the symptoms that prove I am trans most strongly, when I can look at those symptoms and reason through that this is what makes me trans.
I detransitioned for almost a year because of my own self-doubt and confusion. When it really came down to it, separated from everything else, I absolutely hated everything about being a man. I hated my body, I hated the way I felt, I hated the way people talked to me. It felt like living a fake life meant for someone else. Like abandoning everything I actually cared about because something else was easier.
That was 8 years ago and I don't doubt myself much anymore. But when I do I try to break it down. Everyone in my life knows me as a woman. That fact never bothers me. I'm very affirmed in the feminization of my body and feel confident when I embrace it. I don't like being called a man, or having he/him pronouns used on me. I dream of being a mother. I see myself aging as a woman.
None of those things really has to do with "being trans". It all has to do with me, with how I feel, with what I like and what I want and what I want to be. Those things inform what I should do to have a happy life. Being a woman has allowed me to be happy. So I do those things and embraced my own identity as a woman. It's not a matter of empirical standards or some form of self evaluation. It's a product of doing what you truly want to, of letting yourself be the you who is happy.
Cis guy here. I don't question my sex/gender etc. If you're not entirely sure, I would reckon that, at the very least you're somewhere in between. All that being said, glory to you, and your identity :)
I used to think I was a cis guy :-) I guess many trans women have thought that. I didn't really question my sex or gender that much either, if anything I actively avoided doing that. I knew I was a bit non-conforming in my gender, I wasn't the manliest man, so I felt insecure in my masculinity and tried to compensate in various ways.
And when I first transitioned, the intense doubts at first made me think I was non-binary (in-between), but what helped me realize that was unlikely is that there was nothing about masculinity that felt affirming or good to me, and nothing about femininity that feels off or wrong to me. I truly wish I had been born a cis woman, and I have long felt that being a woman is the best thing you can be (even when I thought I was a cis man).
Yup, those are thoughts that don't occur to me, not that there is anything wrong with them, either way of course. I too wish you were born in your body of choice. I however support your transition into the person you wish to be, kind stranger. I desperately hope you live in an area where bigotry isn't prevalent, and you can be safe with who you are. I genuinely wish you the best, and may you live an long and happy life.
Sorry, I don't mean to talk about my self-conception as a cis guy as a way to cast doubt of your own identity, I only bring it up because I would have previously said the same and I haven't been able to rely on something like not questioning or not experiencing common trans things as a guide as to whether I'm cis or trans. It took me many years and the conditions in my life had to support that process of realization, and honestly even if I had the right information if it had come at the wrong time I would have found ways to rationalize not transitioning or considering myself trans in the first place. Looking back it feels like I've been trying to "come-out" as trans my whole life, and every time it has been shut down (sometimes with violence).
Unfortunately I don't live in a safe place, and I honestly should probably move, but it is difficult to do. I have been denied access to gender affirming care where I live, and I live in a place with some of the most restrictive anti-trans laws in the country. That said, I am used to it, and while other trans people are afraid to even catch connecting flights where I live, this place feels normal to me and I try to live a normal life as best I can.
That said, I appreciate your well-wishes, I wish a long and happy life for you as well! ❤️
Don't know how to quote, but I didn't take anything you said as a way to cast doubt on my identity fwiw! I'm hope the elections go well so that you can continue to be relatively safe. So far it seems pretty good up here in the great white north. If SHTF I welcome all my 2SLGBTQIA+ homies up here!
Ah, glad you didn't take it that way, just wanted to be clear.
Thanks for the well wishes! If you're in Canada, I think the current treaties prevent me from seeking asylum there without first seeking asylum in other states like California. However, if the federal elections go poorly, maybe there will be a case for granting that asylum. Still, things will have to be pretty bad before I act, so it is likely to be too late by the time I need to flee. If I had money, I would have said the writing is on the wall and left already.
Stay safe friend.