All posts need to have the same title: me_irl it is allowed to use an emoji instead of the underscore _
"Actionable insights" is the opposite of these corpo buzzwords.
It's a phrase I use to shut down clients when they ask for something that doesn't have value. Also know as interesting but not actionable. I prioritize my time on finding actionable insights. Data that can drive decisions.
Customer success management
Ok but hear me out.
We acquired 20 new logos this month!
Where's unlock?
Check out Wierd Al's Mission Statement for a primer
George Carlin also has a bit of just corporate jargon stapled together to make a short little speech.
Sweet
My least favourite was my company motto of "Personal, Simple, Brilliant." It was supposed to be an ethos that ran through the whole company. It was actually just what management expected front line workers to be towards customers, regardless of whether the business leaders were making decisions to screw over the customer and the front line staff or not.
The amount of times I asked for support only to be shot down and laughed at when I told them "Well, that doesn't sound very personal, simple or brilliant to me." when speaking of their management culture.
I'm fucking mad that I hear many of these every day and ENGLISH IS NOT MY FUCKING MOTHERTONGUE YOU FUCKING FUCKS
Ping me
Same, but to be honest.. attempts to migrate some words to your own language can also get very awkward.
For some unknown reason the phrase "thought leader" drives me crazy.
How do you feel about “Leading thought leader”? 🤮
what are “new verticals”? do i even want to know?
Verticals are industries. I.e, "services" or "wholesale" are verticals.
They are opportunities for increasing shareholder value through innovative and disruptive market-leading practices.
I mean not necessarily, they could just be ways to expand profit centers by increasing pipeline opportunities through net new MQLs
🤢🤮
Agile and synergize aligned itself into this chat.
look at this guy being proactive
It's interoperable, baby. It's how we get to "done" by energising ourselves, being more agile, adapting to new models, and advocating on behalf of--
Okay, I can't do anymore I'm repulsed.
I hate you for writing that. I hate that those words are present in my daily work life. Fuck corporate language.
Let’s table that for a second and circle back to it. Help me understand why you hate me for writing that. What can I do to help? Consider that our goal is to maximise our efficiency by staying in our lanes, escalating where required, and providing all necessary language to our partners for transparency’s sake.
LOL I’m really sorry to do that to you bud but it’s fun to laugh at the way we have to talk in corporate world
No worries, it's all in good fun :)
The one I hate most: "Art of the Possible".
Alternative title how you know you need to find another place to work
To be fair, Game Changer was a great strain. Very creative, me an a bud enjoyed some an launched into DND world building for an hour an a half
I cannot tell you how many bosses Ive had/ heard say they are going to have a moment of "radical kindness" and then proceed to just RIP into their employees until they cry.
Corporate double speak is wack.
This sounds quite specific for something you had to experience multiple times. Hope the people are ok and you found something better to work for.
Grit. I worked at a massive tech company that found this one and it was fucking everywhere. I don't mind the basic concept of it, but it was just in every conversation for like 2+ years.
I'm in full swing of a job search and I painfully relate to this image
No way, this is a great reference chart. All the actionables have been curated into one place.
This shit makes me want to start a cult in the woods so I can live completely isolated from corporate culture bullshit