Asklemmy

I don't know if you have a techical mindset, but think of this formally.

Let's say we have individuals A, B, C, and D, where you are A. Maybe you can learn things about B, C, and D, but what you're really interested in is the pairwise behavior: (A,B), (A,C), (A,D). Because B may behave differently with A than they may with C.

But B may also behave differently if D is present. So the behavior of B in the setting (A,B) is going to be different than in the setting (A, B, D). Imagine that D is the workplace manager, and you can see why.

However, professional and personal context will also play a role. Think of professional contexts a = in a work meeting, b = at work but in the cafeteria for lunch, c = in the parking lot on the way home. Think of personal contexts x = a loved one is terminally ill at home, y = their neighbors initiated a lawsuit against them, z = their sibling just had a child. In each individual's case, they will react differently to those personal and professional contexts.

Finally, all of this is "noisy", meaning each individual is working with limited information, and likely to misunderstand why a given person is acting the way they are. So imagine the setting (B, D) where B knows that D is going through a messy divorce. Compare it to (B, D) where B thinks that D is just annoying. Clearly this will change the behavior of B, and therefore of the interaction.

All of this may seem overwhelming, but in fact it's fascinating. @[email protected] recommended "just follow basic social norms" and that's great advice. Cultivate a baseline way to act professionally, accept that you may never really know why someone acts the way they do, and take a detached but interested approach to the complexities of human interaction.

So those people being cold and not talking to you?

That's how you came off to the people at your last job. Probably why they complained.

Then instead of focusing on the people who responded to you positively, you're using the people who acted like you as an excuse to go back to your previous behavior.

I think that your attitude to the situation might be stemming from some misanthropy from some past trauma or something, idk. This is something you might want to talk to a therapist about or at least think over and objectively assess yourself.

What type of socialization do you want? Do you actually want to talk to people and have positive experiences at the risk of negative ones, or would you want to be left alone and not take that risk, but instead take on the risk of people disliking you?

Personally, I'd suggest just talk to the people who are nice to you and get to know them and leave be the ones who want to be left alone.

From what I'm reading, it seems more like you're on the spectrum more than simply being introverted.

And what you believe to be introverted is more likely shyness and insecurity. Introverted is an overused word that has lost its original meaning. An introvert is someone who finds comfort and energy in doing isolated things. An introvert doesn't explicitly have issues with socializing with people one-on-one or in small groups. You may in fact be both but you have not described introversion here.

I have a friend like you I've known for about ten years. At first, and pretty much until recently, he was very robotic and acted as if he were carrying out instructions he read about being a normal human. After enough time of faking it though, he's more natural in his interactions - though still awkward.

So, my advice is to try acting like a normal person while slowly exceeding the restrictions your insecurity permits. Don't expect others to willfully engage with you right away - they too may suffer from what holds you back. I would venture to guess, given how social interaction has changed in the last twenty years, most people are more similar to you than not.

Seems like you're on the right path so far by introducing yourself. Don't be a dick. Don't be pushy or clingy. Relationships and trust take time to build. Give it room to breathe.

Try to find new hobbies that promote in-person out-in-the-open social interaction and build your confidence around others you share common interests with. This will help build your confidence around others like your coworkers.

Also, know yourself and your place. There might be something about you that people generally aren't comfortable with. Being too anxious to form relationships could be one. Maybe you need to work on your hygiene or maybe word got out that you stole someone's lunch or maybe someone heard you taking a massive dump one day or maybe they found out about your political or religious positions or they resent you for being hired for some reason. It might be something other than you being shy and insecure.

You might want to read book and book, the latter being seminal in soft skills.

As an omnivert I can tell you just accept that some people won't like you. Sometimes that can be a lot of people. Just remain calm and don't take it personal, that's important for your self respect but also because other people will treat you much better.

Leave the problems where they are. Some people like to take their frustrations out on a by them perceived to be lower status member of a group, and there's various ways of dealing with that. A good start is to simply ignore it. The truth is that a lot of people kick down instead of look up, and you are free to judge them for that. If you are sure what you did was right, then stand by it.

There's so much more I can say but you'll want to start there in my opinion.

not even asking them to do anything for me because last time I did, one of them said she would take a batch of documents to a nearby department but then outright ignored it and I had to do it myself.

From what little we have to go on this seems to be the culprit. While workplaces may seem like a microcosm of polite society there are 'rules'. One of which is 'do your own work'. If someone offers to do something because it just happens to be convenient for them that is one thing. Appearing friendly in an attempt to manipulate others to take on your responsibilities may not be your intention but it is what 90% of people are wary of at work. Be friendly, but do not ask for help until you are good friends and play the tit-for-tat game shrewdly.

Hello fellow introvert. I too have struggled with these dynamics in the past.

Im introverted and have always enjoyed my solitude. Some people have complained that I don’t talk much, which is true, I don’t need to talk to feel good.

but jesus christ, others outright avoid even eye contact with me like the plague, even though I kept greeting them for at least 2 more days.

Sounds like you've met people similar to you. How would you prefer others handle you? I'm guessing it's "ditch the small chat, and get to the point". I'd say, treat these people like that. Focus all your conversations with them purely on the shared work and leave them alone otherwise.

I confess neither do I know how to react when people are friendly when I’m talking to a coworker they like but the moment this coworker leaves, they turn to a mute.

It's likely that they have an established working relationship with the other person but not you and so they freeze up in a 1:1 scenario. Just continue to engage with them in group settings until you establish rapport.

It’s also a bit funny: 2 coworkers that the first day had small but normal conversations with me now look elsewhere when they see me… and I give them back the same treatment. Childish and petty? extremely, but I ask you: what should I do?

You don't have to do much. Continue to be friendly with them and if they don't reciprocate just engage with them on the work alone. If you need something from them, ditch the small talk, explain the problem clearly and explain what you need from them.

I think you're trying to take a one size fits all approach here. You need to adapt to each individual. For those who want to be friendly and chatty, hit them up and engage with them. Find them to be boring? You pretend to care, ask them a few follow-up questions (people love to talk about their interests) and then glance at your watch and say "ugh, I'm really sorry to interrupt, I've got to //".

IMO, you shouldn't feel like you need to do anything outside of your comfort level; just follow basic social norms - if someone says hello, you say hello back and that's all that's expected. If you genuinely care what someone did on the weekend, ask. If you don't care, don't ask. I'm very friendly with people in my office, but not at all with others in my building. I don't know them and don't care too, unless/until we have to work together on something. Those people get a head nod if we pass in the hall, but I often carry a paper or folder with me so i can pretend to read it to avoid looking at people as we pass.