Asklemmy

Job: Software Dev

Internal stakeholder or C-Suite: presents nebulous idea for workflow/product/feature with no actual end goal

“We have a CRITICAL need for this product. It will REVOLUTIONIZE everything we do here. The stakes could not be higher. THIS MUST BE COMPLETED ASAP”

My boss: Okay. We will move heaven and Earth to get this done for you.

Me: Works 60 hours a week for two months to ensure the new product is successful

Also me: checking usage statistics six months later…last used by me during go live testing

I hate my life.

Job: Supervisor

Customer pays with a $50 or $100 bill and the till requires that I check it

Customer: "It's good, I just printed it this morning."

Some days I just had to pretend I didn't hear them.

Pro tip: if you have a "go to" joke you always say in a given situation, guaranteed the person you're saying it to has already heard it several times this week. Just don't.

And before anyone responds with "they're just trying to improve your day" they're not. If I don't find the joke funny they get offended, that means they aren't doing it for me, they're doing it to show off how great and funny they are.

Pro tip: don't tell someone a joke if you're going to be offended if they don't laugh.

Job: Cook

Person: Manager

"No one wants to work anymore"

No one ever wanted to work motherfucker. That's why we're fucking paid to be here. If you weren't paying us we wouldn't fucking be here. But you pay us the bare fucking minimum and expect us to work like we're paid immense luxury wages.

Take a sandy brick and insert it as a suppository.

"You didn't teach us this."

I'm currently a medical student in my clinical rotations....

Me: "So it looks like we're due for our (blank) month/year vaccinations. Have those been done already or do we need them today?"

Parent: "Oh, we're not vaccinating."

Me: screaming internally

When I used to work in a supermarket, I hated the stupid customers. This is a classic example. One of the soft drink companies fairly regularly gave away 50% free.

Therefore, for the same price, the bottle would be 3 litres in size rather than 2.

The amount of people who didn't like that.

"Excuse me, where's the 2 litre bottle?" "Oh, it's the same price miss, you get an extra litre for free." "But I don't want 3 litres, I only want two!" Sigh!