Asklemmy

So grandpa had a computer problem. Turns out he installed one of the early locker trojans. He: "It's all my own fault." Family: "no grandpa, that were some ugly hackers". So i removed the virus and checked the computer. Turns out it was his fault. He tried to watch "russian removed porn" and installed the virus in that process. He was like 85 and needed help washing himself. So IDK what his intentions were... The worst part: I had to keep a straight face and confirm the "hackers" therory. That secret will die with me. And now you.

I sat down on my first day at a new job as senior admin. My boss hadn't even arrived yet and I had no access. Someone walks up and asks "Hey, a bunch of our files are garbled, can you take a look?"

Fourth infection in a year. That was the start of my worst job ever.

I've got an I LOVE YOU virus once on a Panasonic X700 fliphone. And, since it was an already old phone by that time, no one had the right tools to fix it anymore.

That phone was just like a Nokia, btw. Exact same Symbian OS, just with different media files and branding. (or at least, it looked like, so much so it hurt my young brain at the time)

There were photos of F1 cars on it by default. And a mini golf game that was awesome.

I was so sad when that phone got bricked. I don't even tell you guys how I got that virus since it's so embarrassing 😅

Also I almost got a ransomware on a freshly installed PC. I was lucky enough to notice something was wrong and I was able to stop it. Though, lots of folders have been infected (files have been created - the message that should have been displayed inside the virus's windows I assume) and some files did get encrypted - but not deleted...

Downloaded a sketchy copy of some hard to find software some years ago. Once I tried to run it, I immediately noticed that the fans started spinning fast and everything was much slower. A quick ctrl + shift + esc and I saw that CPU usage was over 90% - Checking the detailed processes, I found the executable I tried to run and force-stopped it. It almost immediately restarted itself. Obviously, it already set up some other process to check for that process, so I started killing other processes with unfamiliar names until said process stopped restarting.

All good thus far, I went to check %appdata% and of course, there was a sketchy executable there that ran the keepalive process. Deleted it, searched all over for similarly named executables, everything seemed clear. Turned off the internet, rebooted the PC. Turned the internet back on and everything was still fine. I did notice later that I suffered some damage in the form of some files getting encrypted, which was why the CPU usage shot up in the first place - it was one of those ransomware type that, once finished, would no doubt sell the encryption password for a bitcoin deposit.

My other experience with malware was on Android. It's amazing the lengths some FUCKING HARDWARE VENDORS will go in order to install adware on everything, right, Xiaomi, Samsung? Seriously, being forced to see an ad when you just want to use the fucking calculator? Fuck that shit.

Nothing major, just lots and lots of browser toolbars in the XP era and contact with some trojans (especially on torrents) that were thankfully caught by the antiviruses available back then.

Your PC is now Stoned.

This thing is from 1987 and I still have it on some of my old floppies.

Wanted to duplicate my items in D2 (I was young). Instead the file I was instructed to try made me drop all of my items. Jokes on them though, my gear was trash at the time.

Don't remember how it happened but when I was a kid I got this virus on my laptop that would randomly open hundreds of Firefox tabs with this picture of Jeff the killer, with screaming audio at maximum volume and flashing black and white so fast it def would have killed an epileptic. Probably the most scared I'd ever been at that point. It also turned on my webcam light every time it happened, so somewhere on some filthy shut ins hard drive is a video of me at 12 years old throwing my laptop

That one time back, from so long ago, when I was less techy than 2024 me, when everytime I opened my old Android phone, the browser would open up a Thai porn site. I went to the applications list on that old phone, and found an empty app with no icon and uninstalled it, and it stopped happening.

Pop ups in early to mid '00s

Got something installed in the earlier days of the web that would hijack the screen. I was able to identify the process in the task manager and delete it before it could replicate again

I don't know if this applies directly, but in my early days of hosting a server for fun, I installed a telnet server because my phone didn't have SSH at the time. I forgot to close it when i was done and someone got in and installed a password sniffer. This was a Slackware box, IIRC. My only indication that there was a problem was that the "." & ".." directories didn't appear from an "ls -Alf". I pulled the network cable and booted to a boot image and discovered that many key system utilities were replaced with imposters that would mask that there was an intruder. The '"ps", "ls" and other utils were symlinked to the "..." dir in /usr/local/lib.

I didn't trust anything on that server and nuked it. Now, anything that's internet facing is built from ansible and the config is stored in a repo and the repo is backed up on a drive that's physically disconnected except when backing up. I've messed up the initrd from time to time and it's usuall easier for me to reimage than try to fix it.

Had a fun experience in the back then times that my father's computer became infected with one of those nineties style "funny guy" viruses. You know the ones, the ones that seem less interested in stealing money and doing damage and more interested in just fucking with you.

Of note:

• if you tried to open Mozilla Firefox it'd autokill it and pop a message saying "use IE or else"
• if you tried loading up Orkut (look, we were Brazilians in the early aughts. We all used Orkut) it'd kill your browser saying orkut was banned from that PC
• it'd occasionally pop up messages with rude text seemingly at random

God, I remember how when I was like 8 years old I infected the home computer with a super annoying Adware.

I have no idea how it got in, if I was just hanging out on the Cartoon Network site playing games, but it happened, it was horrible. Every time I turned on the computer it played a video of a woman talking in a strange language and advertising something I don't remember what it was. I think in the end they had to format the hard drive, that's how insidious that shit was.

Another vaguely related event is when I supposedly messed up my mother's first laptop by downloading music from Ares. I say "supposedly" because I doubt it was because of that, but because I was taking a bath while I was handling it. My mother loves to talk about it every time she hears the phrase "Computer Virus".

Worst experience. Fairly new at a dotcom and moving from the satellite office to the big-time (same building as these loosers who were trying to do DVDs by mail, LOL ;-) and getting the shown around and introduced to various department heads.

Met the VP of IT and Sr. Systems admin, joked that it looked like they lived there… found out they had been battling a nasty virus all weekend that had infected most of our desktops and was evading our standard AV package, it was taking several runs of a special cleaner or just a wipe/reinstall.

Got introduced to lots of other folks, learned many more things, almost entirely forgot about the virus. A few hours later I’m waiting for my boss to finish a “quick” meeting I wasn’t invited to and getting bored. But I want to seem like a responsible employee (and I was caught up with /. from earlier in the day) so I decided to log in and check my email.

And the inbox boings start. Don’t even have a functioning desktop yet and I can literally hear the virus spreading across the office. I’d manage to pick an old desktop in the IT area that hadn’t been cleaned yet. Fortunately a lot of computers were still off from the cleanup effort, so my fuckup was limited to a 6-7 systems, but that was still hours of additional work for the small IT team after they had already given up their weekend.

It’s definitely not the worst virus I’ve ever had to deal with with. But it was definitely the most visible/shameful virus related fuckup I’ve ever been responsible for.

Only virus I ever got was pespaces back in the 95 days it was a hard mess to clean up mainly because it infected every single exe file and broke a lot of them.

Kinda remember cleaning it up from a dos floppy then once clean basically reinstalling every broken program one at a time.

In hindsight I should have just done a fresh install but I was new to computers.

I don't think I've had any particularly bad ones. In fact I don't remember having any since my age was in the single digits tbh. The only time I remember having malware was once when I tried to install iTunes on Windows for some reason, and I got infected with some kind of malware from trying to download this. I don't remember what exactly it did—I think it was just adware that interacted with your browser, nothing too crazy. I think I may have done a fresh install or factory reset to get rid of it. I was really young at the time and I don't recall getting malware since. I've definitely never (consciously) experienced malware on Linux, yet. (I say consciously cause for all I know maybe someone's bugged me with a keylogger I've not detected idk. Hope not!)

Was installing Windows XP and forgot to unplug the computer from the internet. It got a virus during install.

I've never been able to confirm if it's true or not but around 2014/2015, I had a malicious Firefox extension that apparently originated from Google Chrome. What it did was basically put ads on all webpages, including blank pages and it was really hard to remove because it would just keep reinstalling itself until I uninstalled Chrome and then found and deleted the folder that contained the origin of the malware.

I wasn't able to do much research on my own, mostly because I didn't really know how to, but everyone online (possibly including Mozilla themselves) who was infected by the malware believed that Chrome downloaded the malicious Firefox extension. The main reason people believed it was because not only did the malware only seem to infect users who had both Chrome and Firefox installed but the origin of the malware would keep reinstalling itself until you removed either Chrome or Firefox and stuck with just one browser.

Was reading about the latest malvertising exploit on bleepingcomputer when lo and behold, said malvertising ad hit and tried to take over my PC.

That was the last time I used the internet without an adblocker.

I do have to admire the irony of a malvertising ad hitting bleepingcomputer on the article about said ad.

Just had it. Haven't seen an ad in ages, but there's some issues with YouTube, so I am watching my course on their shitty website. It literally showed me an ad of a man peeing.

Dang, I have no clue how I would explain the future to my kid self.

0KB? Anyone?

Explanation:

Zero kb deletes all files in your home directory, replacing each and every one of them with a shortcut of size "0 kb"

I regularly infect other peoples Laptops, and my own VMs as well, with a very common Spyware/Adware/Trojan. It comes in two different versions, the newer one being much more aggressive than the older one. It's a 'premium' product costing up to $250 officially. The only way to really get rid of it is a full disk clean, otherwise it hides itself into separate, hidden partitions. It IS very annoying to install, considering it's very slow, buggy and needs a terminal to circumvent the online account (even more tracking, technically, but I don't want to create an account myself). And it even crashes all the time, takes ages to update and is a magnet for other viruses. I myself of course don't have it, i use Linux after all. But most people seem to like Windows, for some reason, so I have to install it for them.

Some time around 2010 or so I found a FREE DOWNLOAD for some software I wanted on Youtube. Normally I wouldn't fall for such a thing, but the video had a huge amount of likes and a basically no dislikes so I thought it was legit (I wasn't well-acquainted with the concept of view bots). Ended up with some nasty malware, had to reinstall. Don't run executables off youtube, kids.

Also there was a point before that I got ultra-paranoid about my computer having a virus, and I would Google processes in task manager and got super scared and installed some fake rogue antivirus from a 'company' called Uniblue. A lot of their 'marketing' was pretending they were part of Microsoft, and I thought it was super legit. It wasn't. Turns out being paranoid about computer security when you are completely computer illiterate is a perfect way to get malware.