Ask her what she thinks mansplaining is and listen intently to the answer.
this post was submitted on 11 Jun 2024
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One of the biggest and best lessons I've learned is that it's OK for other people to be wrong. There's few situations in personal life where it's necessary to correct or educate others - they'll figure it out eventually.
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I mean, it's a trap and I know that. I still would.
I'm that guy.
I have a term also: Fem-terrogating
Are you new here? Where do you work? What do you do for work? Does that pay well? Are you married? Ad infinitum...
I simply answer that I don't want to man-splain things.
Man-splaining isn't any man explaining anything, it specifically refers to man's tendency to assume women have very little knowledge and condescension while explaining. You can answer questions???
I do like fem-terrogation though
I think fem-terrogation is used to elicit specific info and the subject man may often not gather what is really being sought and why.
If the desired info is given, great.
If the wide-eyed probing questioning leads to bloviation on a pet subject and away from the sought data needed for mating informational purposes, then a splenetic term is applied to the subject.
Thus it is likely that ND men are often categorized thusly, as well as trying the patience of innocent questioners who are merely trying to ascertain bank balances, salary, promotion potential, and other relevant info needed to determine if she is suddenly interested in his pet subjects.
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For most things where the person you're talking to should know better than you, e.g. marginalized groups, field experts, professionals, etc. I might go with something like "Sorry, I don't quite get it. Can you look up a definition to help me understand better?"
I was taught a long time ago a simple idea ... Men hear a problem and try to solve it...”i don't know x" ok let me teach you" or "I can't get this thing to work" ok let me try if I can.
Women on initial compliant some times just want to know that you know they are struggling. Instead of "let me teach you” you could say "I'm sure you will understand" or "I know it's difficult but you got this".
Yes it varies by person some men prefer the latter and some women prefer the former. As with most things it's up to you to know your partner and what they want...
I'm a problem solver by trade and in recreation (IT, games, etc), but I also complain sometimes without desiring a fix. Sometimes I know a way to solve it but am just complaining that it even needs to be solved, and sometimes I either want to share just because it's interesting, or because it's funny.
Sometimes I'm just venting, and an actual fix won't help my mood while venting. Like I will take the advice and apply it later, but for thus moment, I need to get my feelings out. I'm a cis* male.
*(it's been suggested I'm actually nonbinary or something similar due to my mild interest in gender fluidity, but I personally don't identify that way, nor do I get bothered if referred to that way or by any gender).
This is very true and an essential life skill of anyone who is in a long term relationship.
Wait for them to directly ask for your help. Until then, be an empathetic and active listener.
You'll get some serious points this way.
Asking questions is fine, for the most part (a part of active listening), just be sure they're questions, not commands. Eg. (Primary complaint): " Mary was being a bitch today", bad reply "you should avoid her when she's being a bitch", same idea, but a better reply "did you try to avoid her to stay away from her bitchiness?" In the former example, you're giving her a solution. In the latter, you're asking if she tried that as a solution. The key difference is that in the former reply, it gives the assumption that she didn't think of that, in the latter, you assume she tried and you want to know how that went, or why it wasn't tried.
The former, implying that they couldn't, didn't, or wouldn't think of that solution, also further implies that they're lacking the critical thinking to consider that solution. Which, from what I have gathered, is the root cause of displeasure from men's "suggestions".
Your mileage may vary depending on where your wife/gf lands on the crazy/hot graph (mainly on the crazy axis).
I don't recall where I heard this advice but someone once told me that when he's in this situation he asks his SO "do you want solutions or to vent?" Probably doesn't work for everyone but I liked the idea
I'm pretty sure I've given this advice at some point on Reddit before.
Personally I know my SO well enough to know when it's just venting. I don't usually need to ask anymore.
Sometimes that works other times it gets so much worse
Presume they want to vent.
Someone who wants to vent gets mad if you try to explain.
Someone who wants and explanation won't get mad if you talk to them if they want to vent.
Take the safe bet everytime.
yea, it could definitely sound passive-aggressive
Yup some idea. I think I heard it on Reddit but you put it succinctly.
Anyone else reading this keep in mind this changes with partners and situations and maybe by day...without specific examples with lot of details it's hard to tell. If you don't know, ask kindly.
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