this post was submitted on 04 Sep 2023
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Relationship Advice

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Update: My gf (f23) found an old video of me (m22) with an ex and wont talk to me now. (lemmy.dbzer0.com)
submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
7 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

https://lemmy.dbzer0.com/post/3297580

Well idk how to feel rn. I wrote her a handwritten letter and gave her 24 hours to either come over and have a follow up conversation or I'll assume we're over. (Had no intention of a break up)

Rn I'm in bed and she's asleep next to me. We had a good conversation, we both apologised. I'm considering aaking my ex to delete the videos with me off the internet. No my gf didnt ask this of me and I didnt offee either, I might just do this myself, (I like my online privacy and dont have any social media account outside of this anyways).

I did a tonne of reassuring which I think did well. In person and in the letter. Promises were made on both ends.

Now for the bad part and I cannot believe Im putting this online, we just had the most disturbing sex ever. It would be normal in any other circumstance but for the fact that it was almost entirely what the video wth my ex was. This would still not be weird perhaps if there weren't things we had never done before together.

So its new stuff and exactly what was in the video. This was creepy, was it not?? Maybe she thinks it's things I like is my current assumption but idk. It's been a while and my thoughts are rather scattered atm.

  • What was the point of this?
  • Do I bring this up?
  • How do I bring this up?
  • What do I even complain about here?
  • Is she actually fine now or is there still an issue?

Ps. Thank you for everyones takes on the first post. For anyone saying we're to immature to be in a relationship, we might be immature but we wanna grow together and see where this takes us. Hopefully this is a forever kinda thing.

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[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

She's probably comparing herself to your ex. And perhaps unsure if what she saw is what you want and doesn't know why your relationship is different.

Reassure her. Tell her you love her and there is a reason why you're with her and not your ex. Try and find a way to deal with her feelings together. There is no way for her to 'unsee' that video. But you need to find a way to handle this.

I'd say that video isn't bad per se. It's no secret people had sex with their ex partners. And not every partner needs to look and behave like the partner before. It's just unfortunate she had to watch it. And it's different for both of you. For you it's happened in the past and the video is just a reminder. Your brain processed this a long time ago and sent it to long-term memory. For her it's new information and something that 'happened' just now. At least that's probably how a brain handles new images. She still needs to process it. And in the context of your current relationship.

Be kind to her. She's 0% at fault. Talk and listen. See what's bothering her and what you can do about that. Make sure to also communicate your feelings. For example if she's unsure and having doubts about what each of you likes during sex.

Think about what you want out of that relationship.

And don't give ultimatums when dealing with adults. But that's only my personal opinion.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Congtats man! Its probably going to be weird for a bit, but you two got past the worst bit.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

Thank you! Hope it all goes smoothly henceforth.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 year ago

tldr: you say it’s getting better but it will probably get worse. Too many 🚩s to me. Cut her loose

🚩” So my gf stalked my ex somehow … She finally told me she found my ex’s yt channel and watched every single thing on there.”

So your current relationship went out of her way to deep dive into your past relationships? For what reason? Were you bragging about her? If not, this is some weird trust issues that your current “partner” has.

🚩” Now for the terrible part, smth i truly did not remember was that me and my ex had made a more personal video which was still saved somewhere on my laptop. I absolutely did not know of this and if I did I woulda gotten rid of it. Now my gf has access to my laptop (with my approval ofc) and she somehow stumbled upon it, I caught her curled up in my bed absolutely bawling her eyes out with the video playing on my desk. I have never felt this disgusting.”

A person digging into your personal items (especially a computer, phone) is unnecessary invasion of privacy. The erosion of trust has existed long before you and your current relationship met.

Your “approval” is only a formality. My bet is that if you didn’t “approve” then she would find a way to get past it.

🚩 “Now for the bad part and I cannot believe Im putting this online, we just had the most disturbing sex ever. It would be normal in any other circumstance but for the fact that it was almost entirely what the video wth my ex was. ”

In her mind, she will never live up to your ex despite you vocalizing the opposite.

Advice: cut her loose. This type of shit never goes away with time. The fact that she is emulating the adult video with your ex means she is competing with her. Despite what you tell her, in her mind she will never be enough. That jealousy never truly goes away. It may eventually turn into resentment or worse.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Ps. Thank you for everyones takes on the first post. For anyone saying we're to immature to be in a relationship

Literally no one said this. You said this before there were any comments at all. There were no takes when you wrote this.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I think his reference the original post.

[–] [email protected] -1 points 1 year ago

It is, thank you for letting me know.