[Outdated, please look at pinned post] Casual Conversation

If I interpret what I see as a hint in the wrong way, and actually act on that misinterpretation, it could almost trivially lead to my arrest, conviction, and likely incarceration. And any sort of record - even if I was exonerated - could do significant to severe damage to my life-long economic potential.

So I just don’t fucking deal with hints. The math just does not make that a viable option in any logical or rational way.

If you, as a woman, can’t come out and converse like a functional adult, imma just gonna ignore you wholesale like the immature, games-playing child you are.

Sucks to be someone who only communicates in hints, I guess.

I think the definition of a hint is communication that’s difficult to clearly receive.

I hate the idea of hints. Because A. You then have to make the person your interested in make their own way towards you, and B. Then they have to notice it and then take a risk. I think it's FAR better, to give your crush an opening, serve them a line on a silver platter.

For example:
My wife was interested in me and she opened with:
"Am I too close?" To which I could've replied "nah you're good" or "yes, a bit" without any fuss. but, since I was also interested, I replied.
"Oh nonsense, if anything you're not close enough" which, can easily be dismissed as me being silly, but nope, she's interested. So she responds
'OH really? So how close can I get?"

Like, set up a romantic line. If there's a romantic line to be had. If they're interested, they'll take it.

I've never had a man not pick up on my interest. I have been called brutally honest though, so maybe I'm a bit more direct than most. I have had the reverse problem where they think normal politeness is an invitation.

Like in Pictionary or Apples to Apples?

I don't think anyone picks up on subtle hints unless they're constantly looking for them. And most people aren't looking for them.

Three things: one woman's "hint" is another woman's platonic behavior and "hints" are meant to be subtle so that they provide plausible deniability if there is no interest returned.

Dont blame us for not "getting" hints when part of the point is to be able to easily brush them off as not being signs of romantic interest. If you are interested in a dude, use your words.

And lastly, us not asking a woman out in response to her hints doesn't necessarily mean we didn't get the hints. It may just mean we aren't interested in that particular person and dont want to make it awkward.

I'm a bisexual trans woman. I've dated men and women while presenting as male, and as presenting as female. In my experience the whole "not picking up on hints/not leaving strong enough hints to be picked up on" thing is not a gendered issue.

Honestly I really don't think men and women are as different as they appear.

There are multiple layers to this hornet's nest of a topic. But from a personal perspective, I know I was (still am?) terrible at reading such interest from women. Luckily, I'm happily married, so I don't need to worry about it now.

In the past I've literally had to have women launch themselves at me or graphically proposition me before I was aware that they were really into me. And even then it was often a surprise. And there were a few times I asked out girls who I knew and seemed to have done chemistry with, and they recoiled in alarm. And I'm a fairly average neuro-typical guy. So yeah, I think some of us definitely have trouble reading the interest of women in those one-on-one situations.

Quite a few of my make friends have run into similar experiences. While a few others assumed any woman who spoke to them must be into them. Which is, of course, the other side of the same 'unable to read women' coin.

But adding to all that, there are all the tricky social obstacles to navigate. Things like:

• a minority of women wanting to be chased off they said no to an approach (depending on who was approaching them, of course); or
• worries about making women feel threatened or distressed by offering an unwanted advance;
• or how it's sometimes difficult to differentiate between a purely platonic friendship, or a pure romantic friendship, or one that the woman wants to transition from the former to the latter;
• or just realizing a woman is into you but feigning ignorance because you (the guy) isn't into her and doesn't want to exploit her for sex or ruin a social group dynamic.

So yeah, it's a fucking (pun intended) mess.

Anecdotally, I had two female coworkers that acted the same way around me, kinda flirty but in a more friendly way, I felt, rather than trying to hint at anything. One said "EWW" out loud when someone suggested we date, and the other told me way after the fact that she was super in to me and I should have made a move.

The women I've actually dated made an effort to make sure our feelings were not only known, but reciprocated before laying down the "rizz" too much. I have no problem lightly flirting with someone that has no desire for a relationship, its fun, but that can't be the only sign you're in to someone when it isn't even REALLY a sign for a lot of people.

As a gay man and outsider on this issue, it seems mildly sexist. It's the kind of thing that fits in with the content at over at r/AreTheStraightsOk.

The assumption that women are giving hints all the time rather than just trying to get through their day seems wrong.

And the idea that men need to get better at figuring those hints out rather than leaving them alone also seems wrong.

But whenever I hear the issues which men and women who date each other face I am often baffled.

I was always terrible at picking up on hints, but even when I did get the hint I was generally either not interested in pursuing something, too cowardly to pursue it, or I had a preference to go about things a bit slower.

Sometimes women can be attractive and hint a lot, but once you've burned yourself once or twice you realize it's better to take things slow than to risk getting involved with someone more crazy than you can handle.

Amongst people I am closer to and actually like I am absolutely oblivious at times, but I would much rather err on the side of friendship.

I would say I’m reasonable at picking up hints, usually takes me about 4-10 years though.

Seems like a way to foist off the responsibility for shitty communication on the supernaturally-supposed-to-be-recipient, in my opinion.

Well I know I am. I don't like subtlety. Too easy to mistake from friendliness. Be direct and honest or go home.

when we met, my bf never picked up any of my hints, and i gave him many. i mean we met online, had a lot in common, and got along really well right away. i mean he was exactly my type and i was very clear about that as we got to know each other lol. but i only hint at interest until i'm sure, and then i get direct, so i eventually asked him out. he seemed pretty embarrassed for not picking up on the hints afterward, especially the more direct ones, but i just thought he was pretty adorable for it. i've never really thought all men are necessarily bad at taking hints in particular i mean i have never put much thought into whether a particular gender is worse at picking up on hints but i'm a woman and i've dated and had situationships with men, women, enbies and more and and in hindsight i'd say i've been bad at picking up on hints and everyone's been bad at picking up on my hints so probably everyone's bad at it lol

I've been married for 10 years and have two kids. I'm still not sure if my wife likes me. I haven't picked up any hints. I must've missed them all.

My sentiment is that men are in this horrible place where consent is king, and explicit communication is necessary, but too many women still want to play hard to get, or do these tiktok challenges to trick men into giving them a reason to be angry.

Women give hints? :p

Women are bad at picking up men's hints.

Humans are just bad at picking up flirting because everyone's idea of the thing is different.