It's great that you acknowledge that beans on a pizza is in fact not normal

Look at Gordon Ramsey over here, bet he serves it on a plate and everything

Lab analysis inconclusive. But either way they're great.

Low quality turkey (animal) meat, mashed up and mixed with rusk, water, other low quality "meats" (offal, ears, pig trotters, bumholes etc) and an array of flavourings and sweeteners and reconstituted into a helical shape and coated with breadcrumbs and oven baked.

Basically the same as any other easily affordable breaded, reconstituted meat product, except it's in a helix instead of a sausage or burger pattie shape.

I've never had one, but they're probably delicious.

Hold on Uncle Rodger... He tried to get them banned, therefore logic dictates that they're actually pretty good!